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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To finally feel safe in bed

36 replies

CleverQuacks · 06/01/2022 19:37

trigger warning - mention of sexual abuse

I have had two proper long term relationships. Both were sexually abusive with lots of coercion and physical threat if I didn’t comply sexually. This also included both men doing sexual things to me whilst I slept despite the fact I told them many times I didn’t like it.

I am now single. I have four children. We have a four bed house and until recently I had the biggest room with a double bed. Over the last couple of months we have been doing up the house and I decided to change bedrooms around. It made more sense for my daughter to have the bigger room because she spends more time in her room (typical teenager) and I just use my room for sleep.

Anyway to cut a long story short, last night I slept in my new room. The box room with a single bed. For the first time in many years I felt safe as I realised I never have to share a bed with a man again. I never have to have sex again. I can sleep without being touched or hurt. It felt like such a weight off my shoulders.

It probably sounds silly cos I could have stayed in a double bed and still never slept with anyone again but there was something great about knowing that now I am in a single bed, sleeping with another man is not possible.

So I guess my AIBU is, is it silly to think I will never have sex again? And be happy about it? I am early 30s so still have a lot of life ahead of me.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2022 21:18

You do you, sweetheart. There is nothing better than feeling safe and secure when you snuggle down at night.

As far as feeling that you are happy to never have sex again, that's absolutely fine too. But allow yourself the freedom to change your mind IF life takes you in that direction.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 06/01/2022 21:19

Oh how lovely op!!
But l think you should push the boat out and treat yourself to a nice fluffy hot water bottle or an electric blanket!!
Enjoy your safe space xx

AlDanvers · 06/01/2022 21:20

Of course yanbu.

I am so glad you feel safe. It brought a tear to my eye, reading your op. Exh was sexually abusive and often would do things to me while I slept. For years I barley slept. I would always get up early as, if I woke up at the same time as him or tried to sleep in, he would force it. If he didn't get it the whole day would be awful.

When me and the kids first moved here, I loved being in my room and in bed. I slept so much. I still can't sleep past 5am. But being able to just sleep without fear is so lovely.

I do actually, now share my bed with another man. Who has never ever made me feel unsafe at all. He gets into bed strokes my hair, kisses my head and goes to sleep.

But, I dont think you are unreasonable to never want that again. It may change, like it did for me. It may not. Neither is wrong. You should just do what you feel is best for.

Flowers
Laney39 · 06/01/2022 21:36

I remember moving to a new house and giving my son the double room and me getting a single bed in the box room and being so happy that I was alone and safe in my new home, amazing feeling. 4 years later I was married, never expected it but still remember that cozy safe feeling. Enjoy it xx

oopsyoudiditagain · 06/01/2022 21:48

YANBU.
At all.

And nothing wrong with wanting to stay single.

I’m sorry what you have been through.
All the best to you and to your kids.

CrazylazyJane · 06/01/2022 22:04

Well done for surviving and getting through all that has happened to you.

It's totally not silly, at all. I also always find sleeping in a single bed, in a box room really cosy and calming Grin

I'm really glad that you feel safe. This is such a lovely post.

BbqFanatic · 06/01/2022 22:35

Very happy for you. Wish you all the happiness and comfort

Fredshred · 06/01/2022 23:22

It sounds as if although the room is small it is cosy and safe and a haven, so it is massive beyond compare. Who knows whether you will ever want to have an intimate relationship or share a bed, even just to sleep, with someone again. Your kids will grow up, your life will change, but there is no rush to see. You should definitely enjoy the calm, peace and safety and sense of pride that this room gives you right now. May you have many great night’s sleep.

SantasBairyHollocks · 06/01/2022 23:24
Flowers
DramaAlpaca · 06/01/2022 23:25

May you always feel safe in your comfy new bed Flowers

superplumb · 07/01/2022 21:55

You are not being unreasonable. I'm glad you feel safe.enjoy your freedom your house and family. If YOU choose to go down the sex road itll be your choice and yours only. Dont rush and just heal x

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