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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to actively encourage my DSis to move out from our home.

25 replies

nyteflyte · 06/01/2022 12:38

DSis moved in with us during the pandemic, when she changed jobs and moved to this area. Even though we have somewhat different personalities, I mostly get on well with her. She does not work from home thankfully, but can have irregular hours at busy times.

I'm thinking about actively encouraging her to move out. She can afford it (well paid), and it is really getting to a stage where it is annoying me being around every evening, and most weekends.

I guess I feel bad about it because we do have lots of space.

I could ask her straight up to leave? But I'm concerned about upsetting her and extended family.

If anyone has experience/advice on getting a close relative to "move out" please let me know!!

OP posts:

SpookyScarySkeletons · 06/01/2022 12:40

Start with gently suggesting she looks for somewhere of her own now things are getting back to normal (whatever that is!!).

If that doesn't work be less gentle.

Can you get your parents on board?

mynameismaybe · 06/01/2022 12:43

How about in the first instance suggest she pay you for living at your place, or raise the cost if she already does so? She may come to the conclusion on her own that she may be as well living independently.

Raising the conversation about finances could be a decent place to first raise the topic and see if you are both on the same page about the future plans.

LetsGoDoDoDo · 06/01/2022 12:44

Could you simply ask her what her next steps are now that she's settled into her new role? Make her a cuppa and just ask her. She's an adult with her well paid job so I would imagine that she'd already begun planning her future. Unless there's more to this?

MargieMo · 06/01/2022 12:51

There are two things that come to mind here:

Ask her about her plans. Is this job a temp role? Does she plan to move on in a few weeks or months? If she likes the role and plans to stay there long term, then it is very different from her staying a few months.

Think about the reasons why you don't want her there. Your post is not clear on that. Maybe there are some specifics that she could change?

If it was shorter term, and I had the space, I'd certainly help out a relative unless there were very specific reasons.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/01/2022 12:54

What did you agree when she moved in? Whose idea was it?

Both irrelevant if you’re unhappy with the status quo. I adore my sister, she’s one of my best friends. But we wouldn’t want to live together. That’s okay.

Tell her you’ve enjoyed her company but need her to make alternative plans within a month.

Circlesandtriangles · 06/01/2022 12:57

I think it's best not to pussyfoot around and be clear - you've loved having her there and are so glad she's settled in so well, but would like to have your space back by . I don't think it's horrible to ask or expect your home back.

Bimblybomeyelash · 06/01/2022 13:00

Well I’m a right move addict, so
I’d find something suitable and forward it to her with a breezy “saw this and thought of you”. Surely she doesn’t want to live with you forever?

girlmom21 · 06/01/2022 13:03

Get her gone! Ask her what her plan is and when she's expecting to have her own place.

Elieza · 06/01/2022 13:08

Does she have a probationary period in her job?

If so I’d wait until that’s past. That would be my queue to ‘help’ her to move too: ‘Congrats on being a permanent member of staff now, great news, I imagine you’ll be wanting to move out as you can’t stay here forever and you’ll want your own place, so I’ll help you find somewhere if you want’ kind of thing

I’d prob even pay her deposit if she needed it for a rental.

Not sur how long you need to be in a job before you can get a mortgage but perhaps others can advise. I know you have more protection if you’ve been employed for two years or more so perhaps that’s relevant to mortgage providers, plus the deposit size.

Original poster

nyteflyte · 06/01/2022 14:24

Thanks for the input, it's helpful and you've given me some good ideas. I've decided I really want to do something about it.

She originally asked to stay with us, and I agree because I knew was super convenient for her (location). We never asked any contribution with respect to rent, utilities, etc. And it is not any issue in reality.

She is a contractor, but I know from the past she was worked in places from a few weeks right through to several years! You are right I do need to ask her about her plans.

In reality, the biggest issue for me is basically privacy in my own home and space. Our DD is away at Uni, so it's mostly just DH and me for the past 2 years. It's silly things like if I wanted to exercise in the living room, or sit down with DH and bottle of wine, or have an impromptu shag (HRT works wonders!) ... or do all three

OP posts:

Houseplantmad · 06/01/2022 14:33

As others have said, you need to have a chat and set a realistic deadline.

I had a similar situation with a family member who came for three weeks and I asked them to move out after three months as I was so fed up and there were no signs of them moving. They'd offered to contribute £ on arrival and I said no, thinking it was short term, but then they ate me out of house and home and had 40 minute showers twice a day!

I should have had the chat much earlier and there was a lot of resentment on my side when they did move out. Don't let it get to that stage.

toomuchlaundry · 06/01/2022 14:38

How long has she been with you?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/01/2022 14:41

Oh yes definelty start the conversation. Even just in a "new year, new plans, fresh starts" capacity firstly.

I would be really frustrated at waiting years for my dc to move out, only to have someone else move in.

AlabamaSong · 06/01/2022 15:33

I've been on the other side such a situation as a summer student working in the US a few years ago. I stayed with DSis and her BF for the time there, realistically I likely would not have been able to afford something myself as I was on only above min wage in coffee shop and cleaning job, with some occasional cash payments.

I was aware of intruding on their space and personal time, I used to stay out a good bit, got lots of sightseeing done, got into running and swimming at a good level too! Paper thin building walls meant I was terrified of using my vibrator

AlabamaSong · 06/01/2022 15:34

I guess my point is that your DSis may feel uncomfortable too, and there might be a good reason why she is still staying with you. You really do need to discuss with her and tell her your feelings.

GeorgeIsMyBeatle · 07/01/2022 16:45

It seems like this is the first time you've had without kids in the house for a long time? And instead now you have you DSis :)

It's great to help out family, but since your DSis is working and can afford a place to stay herself, then you need to explain your needs, and ask her to arrange accommodation elsewhere

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2022 16:49

@nyteflyte

Thanks for the input, it's helpful and you've given me some good ideas. I've decided I really want to do something about it.

She is a contractor, but I know from the past she was worked in places from a few weeks right through to several years! You are right I do need to ask her about her plans.

She doesn't contribute??

Is your DH okay with that?

Original poster

nyteflyte · 07/01/2022 17:02

Thanks again for the input, will speak with DSis on Monday evening when she is back here.

DH's thinking on the topic is that we're just convenient in terms of parking space, and garage storage, etc.

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 07/01/2022 17:05

How long has lived rent free with you? She must be saving an absolute fortune!

1FootInTheRave · 07/01/2022 17:09

She doesn't pay? Wtf

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2022 17:13

She should contribute! Blimey.

And if she doesn’t she should be making enough to take herself off out every weekend elsewhere.

Where is her usual permanent home, or doesn’t she have one?

Original poster

nyteflyte · 07/01/2022 17:28

She's been here almost 10 months!! She has her own home, but it's 4-5 hours drive away.

She often does stay out 1 or 2 days a week at a local hotel when she is "meeting" someone. She also travels away for few days too, but that is always short notice so I only know a day or 2 in advance.

She can easily afford a place of her own, I just need to make my position clear, which I have not done at all.

OP posts:

Elieza · 07/01/2022 17:35

She has her own home already, well that puts a different spin on things.

Get her told.

TwoBrownSugars · 07/01/2022 17:38

With respect to payment, it's not really about the amount of money, but the fact it might make her realize that it's not free living at home!

At least your DSis has the sense to keep her personal life away from your home. In my first flat, in the area of a well known concert venue, my DSis would often stay over with a friend. That was fine, until they sometimes brought back people with them. Drunk, noisy couch sex and sometimes a mess (I won't supply details), but it's a warning that some family members really do take things forgranted!! I stopped that quickly!!

Cantfindausernamethatsnottaken · 07/01/2022 19:34

In a way,its good she doesnt pay rent etc as she would feel more entitled to be there.Tell her soon you need your space back,just be honest.

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