More than friends

[startruck84]

Posting here for traffic.

So over Xmas I discovered my husband has been inappropriately messaging his friend.

Everything from chit chat to sexually explicit messages. Morning/goodnight messages everyday.

This culminated on Xmas Eve with him messaging her and say that they are more than friends.

I was aware that they were close and similar (same hobbies and clubs etc)
They haven't been around each other alone so I know it's not been physical.

Is this an EA or just a phase. He has no history of this and is generally really well thought about with friends etc

It's an EA I'm afraid. He's basically spelled that out.
You need to talk to him, calmly if you can.
I'm sorry OP. I had this when I was married and we never really got over it, but you need to establish the facts, is it just an infatuation, is it reciprocated etc etc.

Whether it is a phase or not, it is definitely an EA and completly inapproriate! Sexually explicit messages to another woman are not what someone in a relationship/marriage sends to someone other than their partner/wife.

Have you confronted him about it?

@scooterbear
I found messages going back to 2020 at least. He changed his phone then so can't see anything on there before that.

It definitely seems to be returned from her too.
She seems to tease him a lot too.

@IsDaveThere I haven't as we are currently WFH and still have the kids at home

Ok-we'll it seems a bit nailed on then. That's a long time.
You need to talk to him.

@scooterbear
They have exchanged certain photos (he's never done that with me)
Have spoke about intimate things in our marriage.
Went as far as to say he couldn't be trusted alone with her.

He has never been the type to say these types of things and is very private. Even amongst family.

I don't know how to speak to him about it. He is very intelligent and could talk it away I think

I would love to know how he can talk that away to be honest, he might as well be having a full blown affair from what you say.

How can you be sure that they have not been around each other alone and nothing physical has gone on? Even if it hasn't, it is probably only a matter of time.

Sorry you have are going through this but you really need to speak to him about it, now.

I'd be surprised if it's only an emotional affair to be honest.

If it's gone on for more than a year it's definitely not a phase. I'm sorry.

@startruck84
He is very intelligent and could talk it away I think

Well you’ve got him red handed so he’s perhaps not all that intelligent.

What do you want?
Do you want to walk away?
Do you want him to stop and work towards getting back what you had before.
Do you want to turn a blind eye?
All are valid options but all come with loss or risk of loss and not fulfilled happiness.

I would advise you to rock the boat. Find a relationship counsellor, make an appointment. Insist he attends with you. Don't take any flim flam or excuses. He does this, he talks about it honestly or its over. Even if he offers to stop messaging you need to work through this and him admit and you both figure out why he needed that/wanted that from someone else. It's still a chance you split (it might empower you to call it a day). But better than leaving it festering.

@IsDaveThere
As far as I'm aware they have never been alone together in private.

Some of the things he's said I would never of expected from him if I'm honest.

They have been friends for over a decade (our entire relationship) even invited to our wedding.
She is 20 years younger than him (in her late 30s)

Looking back now I can see things weren't normal. 2019 he bitched at me all day on Xmas eve to go see her and her family.

I have found things out about him and his past that I didn't even know that he's told her.

I don't know what I what to do tbh. He is the main breadwinner. I have health conditions which limit what I can do especially with the children

@girlmom21
I can only go back to 2020 but those messages look like there was something before. As they were sexually inappropriate at that point.

Messages all day. Good morning and night. Kisses on all of them etc

Op, even if you were to split (just as a nuclear option) he would still have to look after his children he can’t just disappear. He owes you a bloody explanation. Does he keep his phone private? How long have you known? I’m so sorry this must be devastating.

@LittleMG he does a lot of the childcare.

Usually keeps it in his pocket and on silent.

Found out just before Xmas.

It's knocked me sideways tbh. I've mentioned her before but he's brushed it off as nothing. I've tried to limit contact with her over the last year so this wasn't expected.

I have no problem with female friends but the messages are crazy.

The very least he owes you is honesty and to explain himself. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, I’m so sorry I marvel at your self control I think I would have kicked his arse all round the house by now. But you are right to keep control and plan what you are going to do. Really hope
You are ok and have some friends or family to open up to xxx

@LittleMG
I knew something was up when we bumped into her Xmas shopping. The way he looked at her.

I have a few friends around. Hoping to meet my bf this week

Yes dive tones you just need to see them together and you just know. That's what happened with my situation.
Reach out for real life support-you will nee me it now more than ever and you will find people are incredibly kind.

I’d try to screengrab and send yourself pictures of the messages (then obviously delete the photos and outward messages to yourself), or use your phone to video yourself scrolling through them. Then he can’t delete them or lie that you d misunderstood the wording etc etc.

If it’s been going on this long with someone he’s known for years then it is not a moment of madness. Do you think he’s waiting for her to say the word and encourage him that they can be together?

What you do may depend on what situation you’ll be in financially if you kick him out. It might be better to work out a way for you to manage first. It’s too easy to just say ‘I know about x, now get the fuck out’ but the reality with children is much harder. Hope you’re ok.