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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to spend less time in his home country?

25 replies

yesterdaysbread · 06/01/2022 01:19

Sorry it’s so long.

I’m overseas visiting my husbands family and friends for Christmas/new year. We don’t get to see them that often so we have come for 4 weeks. Our son is 5 months old and it is the first time my husbands extended family and all his friends here will meet the baby (parents and siblings visited us for 4 weeks when he was born)

The culture in his family is to stay with the family you are visiting, so when his mum or dad comes to visit they stay with us and we divide time between their houses here (they are divorced).

They are all very nice and - mostly - welcoming but I find that this amount of time in other peoples homes is challenging as I never feel completely relaxed. I feel the pressure to always be upbeat and sociable , and this is even more so the case around Christmas with lots of visitors some of whom I don’t know (I am a sociable person but I also do enjoy time to myself)

A big factor in this is I don’t speak my husbands native language. Last time we came I got quite upset as multiple people expressed surprise/disappointment/contempt that I don’t speak the language fluently yet. I can speak a bit and have had some classes but frankly I just can’t make it a priority at the moment as I’ve been working full time and now with our baby full time and most of his family speak at least a bit of English so we are able to get by.

However, many of his friends do not speak good English, or if they do they much prefer to speak their language which of course is fair enough. But communication is mostly awkward. A couple of them are very nice to me and make a big effort in English and include me in conversation but most dont. This time we’ve got the baby so I’ve been mostly playing with our son on the floor whilst my husband and friends chat but I feel like a nanny and not a wife!

Tonight he has left me to put our son to bed at his mums house and has gone to see friends. This has happened 3/4 times so far with some occasions of his friends visiting the parents house so I can be included after our son is asleep. Most of the time I’m fine with it as I get some time to be by myself but for some reason tonight I’m feeling very homesick and lonely and just wish I could be relaxing in my own home. I think it is also the fact that I’m doing most of the taking care of our son while he’s off out that makes me a bit resentful. Before he left he checked it was ok to go and I told him I felt lonely but that he should still go.

How can I improve this situation for next time? Learning the language will come over time but I doubt I’ll be fluent before we next visit.

i know it would be unreasonable to tell him not to see his friends and stay with me and baby. But WIBU to only come for 2 weeks or so next time?

OP posts:
tectonicplates · 06/01/2022 01:36

You've stayed with the in-laws for FOUR WEEKS?!?

Definitely make it two weeks next time. And having learned some of my DH's language in the past, there is only so much you can learn from a once-a-week evening class. They are being unreasonable to be disappointed in you.

tectonicplates · 06/01/2022 01:40

By the way, are you bringing up your baby to be bilingual? It's usually the done thing for one parent to speak one language and the other parent to speak the other language to the child, so it's important that your baby hears you speak in English even while you're staying in your DH's country.

Original poster
yesterdaysbread · 06/01/2022 01:47

@tectonicplates thanks for your replies. Yes we are raising him to be bilingual, thanks for reminding me that it’s important he hears English! Grin and this fact will also help me learn my husbands language more I hope as I am more exposed to it at home. Glad to hear that you think 2 weeks would be OK! I suggested 3 this time but it’s really the only time he gets to come so we came for 4. However this also means that all our holidays are spent visiting his family and friends in the same places. This time we are finally spending 3 days in a tourist resort as a belated honeymoon but it’s the first time in 4 years we will have had a proper ‘holiday’

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 06/01/2022 01:54

Next time you visit, why don't you and your DC come for two weeks and your DH can stay on for an extra week or so to see his friends?

Or he can visit on his own for a couple of weeks at another time. My DH doesn't come with me on all my trips back to the UK and I've taken the children to see my Dad/SM many times without him (they're older, of course). Four weeks is a long time!

Original poster
yesterdaysbread · 06/01/2022 01:58

@Cameleongirl that’s what I suggested too, but he said he would miss our son too much if we left early. I think next time I will be firm on it and he can make the choice whether he stays on or not. 4 weeks is long indeed, glad you agree and INBU!

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 06/01/2022 02:03

A week or two of separation is nothing in the grand scheme of things, he'll be fine...and tbh, we all appreciate each other more when we've had a little time apart, I'm always delighted to see them when I've been to the UK alone.

Although mine are teenagers so I sometimes need a break (as does DH) Grin

Shamoo · 06/01/2022 02:08

I am currently with my in-laws on the other side of the world for eight weeks. Same situation as it’s the first time they are all meeting our DD and we are staying at their house. It’s intense! I am a bit lonely, isolated etc. and it’s definitely not easy. I don’t have the same language barriers as you, which must make it even harder, so I do understand how you feel.

However, my view is that I made a choice in marrying somebody who comes from another country. Part of that, and having children with them, is knowing that you will have to spend large chunks of time overseas with their family. I don’t love it, but I consider it part of the package I chose to take when I married my DP.

We do however try and go away separately for a few days to break it up, have days out alone etc. So maybe you can try and build in some coping techniques to help break it all up and give you some breathing space? It might also help you become more familiar with the country and the language if you can experience more of it.

Hope you are feeling ok. X

backtolifebacktoreality · 06/01/2022 02:10

You will probably find that your child ends up translating for you in future!

Original poster
yesterdaysbread · 06/01/2022 02:19

@Shamoo 8 weeks…you are a saint! 😂 you’re right, it’s all part of the deal and I am happy to do it, I do believe it enriches my life hugely. I think we do need more of the days out, time just for us to break it up as you say. I feel mostly like I’m just following him around as there are safety concerns here which means it’s not wise for me to be on my own in public which I struggle with a lot as I’m to ally dependent whilst here

OP posts:
Original poster
yesterdaysbread · 06/01/2022 02:20

@backtolifebacktoreality I’m sure he will Grin

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 06/01/2022 02:29

On at least one of your 3 resort days you need to leave him with bub one evening and wander out for a solo glass of wine at the bar.

Shamoo · 06/01/2022 02:37

@yesterdaysbread ah yes that makes it much harder if you can’t really go out on your own!!

Original poster
yesterdaysbread · 06/01/2022 03:46

@timeisnotaline thank you for the permission Grin I think that’s a great idea

OP posts:
Brigante9 · 06/01/2022 07:07

Blimey, I need my space so I’d rent something so I could escape at the end of the day. 4 weeks would kill me, hell, 4 days! Could you suggest that for next time and reduce the length of time? 4 weeks is far too long to stay with someone.

LankylegsFromOz · 06/01/2022 07:23

Another wife of an expat here (20 years together) and yes this is all part of the deal when you marry a person who was born elsewhere and when you live in your own country. I understand how you feel but you kinda have to suck it up I'm afraid. The last time I was back in my DH country, I spent alot of time at home with our baby while he was out with his friends. It pissed me off as these are my friends too! But I couldn't begrudge him this time when he has sacrificed so much to live over the other side of the world with me.

But, your question about whether you could go for 2 weeks while he goes for 4? I think that would definitely be doable, if it's possible. You'd probably find your DH would be fine with it as he could do his own thing at home for a couple of weeks without having to worry about you. I would do it with my DH, but the travel is too far.

SallyWD · 06/01/2022 07:32

I'm in the same situation as you with in-laws overseas. My in-laws are lovely and welcoming and treat me as their own daughter. I'm very comfortable with them but I just don't like to stay at anyone else's house for 4 weeks. I need my own space. To be honest OP, I did just suck it up for the first few years. Now the children are older I have good excuses to stay less time. Firstly, the children are much easier now and I don't need to be with them 24/7 so my DH and in-laws can look after them without me. Secondly, I now have a job so I say I can't take so much time off work (the truth is I can work from home - or their home, but my in-laws don't need to know this!). So what happens now is we all go to the in-laws House together. I stay 2 weeks and DH and the children stay an extra week or a little longer. I absolutely LOVE the time I get to myself at home whilst DH and the kids are still away.

Tal45 · 06/01/2022 07:33

My suggestion would be that (if you don't already) that you as a family take your son on some family days out, just the three of you, in his country. This is how I 'managed' staying with in-laws abroad (although I would never have stayed 4weeks!). Go visit when the weather is good, take your son to the beach or the mountains or to parks, hopefully it will feel less like a chore and more like a holiday then.

PS I never saw it as my job to go and stay with in laws just because my DH's family weren't British. There was no 'deal'. DH chose to marry someone British, his mother was not nice and so I avoided staying with them as much as possible. Dh was welcome to stay or take our child and visit but it wasn't my responsibility to keep them happy when they couldn't be nice to me.

Classicblunder · 06/01/2022 07:36

I think 2 weeks would be absolutely reasonable and fine.

I do think though that it's a bit poor that you haven't learned the language by now - it would be a priority for me. Could you book an intensive course before your next trip? Obviously your DH should support that by picking up childcare so you can do it

BerryPieandCustard · 06/01/2022 07:36

I also have in laws in another country so I feel your pain! It is hard and I can speak his language but it is the not being relaxed at home and always needing to be social, coupled with the fact that where my husband is from there is very little to do, and when you do something it always has to include at least a half dozen different family members!

My husband goes for a month so that his last 2 weeks cover the Easter holidays, me and my daughter then join him for 10 days or so at that point usually stopping off in another country for a few days on the way back to England to have ourselves a little holiday.
Thankfully he actively avoids going in the summer holidays at is is so hot and electric (and therefore air con) is not guaranteed 24/7. He will occasionally visit in October or November for 2 weeks solo.

As my daughter has gotten older and started school it helps as you’re then restricted a bit with school holidays.

Caterinasballerinas · 06/01/2022 07:57

I was going to say that this sort of arrangement won’t be forever because school holidays and your annual leave entitlement will come into play in future to add some level of restriction to your ability to stay as long.

DebIr · 06/01/2022 08:06

It is tough and I’ve had the language issues too. No one speaks any English when we stay with my husband’s family so I have learnt quite alot, did classes etc.
I know it’s a way off but once my children were older, my husband used to go out earlier with them and I’d join. He took oldest at 3 while I stayed home with youngest for example.
We have broken up our visits, few days by coast with or without family too. And my husband goes back on his own at least once a year.
You have my sympathy and while we’ve made it work to some extent I count the days to coming home after 25 years every time!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/01/2022 08:41

I am in the same boat. My advice would be not to worry about cooking across as rude or you will drive yourself mad. So when you're sitting in a room full of people all talking in another language, just read a book or look at your phone (unless you're having a meal or something). Trying to appear polite and nod along look at who's talking, smile and laugh to seem sociable is just exhausting when you don't know what's going on.
Also surely you wont be on mat leave next time and can't go for that long or it would be all your hooliday gone
I prefer my husbands family visiting us in smaller doses eg one or two of them at a time to spread it out and there are more ways to escape. Or inviting them on holiday with us somewhere else.
I'm not sure your husband is being that understanding to you though...if his friends understand english he should be talking in English when you're there to include you. He should also be translating the main gist of the conversation for you when they are speaking in his language so you're not sat there looking bemused. And not going out leaving you alone where you don't know anyone when you've said you're lonely.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/01/2022 08:42

*cooking = coming

CookPassBabtridge · 06/01/2022 12:10

Ugh your post has made me feel all itchy, I really feel for you. I like my inlaws but even a week is too much, for me AND their son! Grin It's hard to not be able to relax for such a long period, and now you have a baby too.. who keeps you busy but it's hard looking after a baby without your home comforts.
4 weeks is insanity to me.. and that's in normal circs whete you can speak the language and go out and about.

RedHelenB · 06/01/2022 13:46

@Shamoo

I am currently with my in-laws on the other side of the world for eight weeks. Same situation as it’s the first time they are all meeting our DD and we are staying at their house. It’s intense! I am a bit lonely, isolated etc. and it’s definitely not easy. I don’t have the same language barriers as you, which must make it even harder, so I do understand how you feel.

However, my view is that I made a choice in marrying somebody who comes from another country. Part of that, and having children with them, is knowing that you will have to spend large chunks of time overseas with their family. I don’t love it, but I consider it part of the package I chose to take when I married my DP.

We do however try and go away separately for a few days to break it up, have days out alone etc. So maybe you can try and build in some coping techniques to help break it all up and give you some breathing space? It might also help you become more familiar with the country and the language if you can experience more of it.

Hope you are feeling ok. X

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