To be desperate for some space from 13 month old?

[Whitepillows]

Spent all day keeping her fed, entertained and happy: art class followed by walk to the park and some soft play, then home for a nap. Finally got a chance to sit down / get some stuff done. Naps for 2 hours, then made lunch, fed her, off to swimming, back for tea, playing, bath and bed.

It’s a nice day. By bath time she’s hanging off me. I move to turn on a tap and she cries, put her in the bath and she’s standing up arms out wanting me to hold her even though she’s wet.

She sleeps for 4 hours tops (that’s an amazing stretch, mostly it’s more like 2/3 hours) then she wakes up and has to come in our bed but she doesn’t settle, spends hours writhing around, grabs my hair, my ears, my face, makes constant noises, waves her arms around hitting me in the face.

DH has taken her away for a bit as I was just getting desperate.

But it feels like a 24 hour shift with hardly any breaks. I remember feeling like this when she was a newborn but now it should have surely settled. I just want a bit of time at night to sleep and to not have her in my face all night as well as all day. Then I feel shit that I’m rejecting her

I find my youngest keeps going through stages of this. My husband has spent the last 6 weeks sleeping in bed with her so I cam get a break. He tries to settle her and she only comes in to me if he can't get her to settle. I still feel suffocated but at least I'm getting a little space

So in one day she's been to art class, to the park, to soft play, and swimming? That's a awful lot of activities in one day for a 1 year old... it sounds like she could be over-tired and / or over-stimulated. I know you'd think that if she was over-tired, surely she would sleep more? But that's not always how it is, if their brains are over-stimulated it can be hard for them to switch off. How would she be if you just did only one of those activities a day, and the rest of the time she spent chilling at home playing with her favourite toys?

That’s a lot to cram in. Is tomorrow the same? No wonder you’re knackered. Maybe have a lazy day tomorrow and bum around at home?

Fairly untypical as we are on holiday at the moment but tbh day to day activities don’t really seem to make any difference to night time sleep. She actually did a 4 hour stretch 7 till 11 which is almost unheard of, mostly she wakes after 3 hours tops.

But to be honest she’d get very restless if she was at home for 22 out of 24 hours.

DH has taken her away for a bit as I was just getting desperate

He should be going half of it when home. For 'a bit' when you're 'desperate ' just isn't enough clearly

Doing half*

That's way too much activity in one day for anyone surely? Can't you both relax at home?! Mine spend a lot of time playing and watching TV. They watch me do stuff in the kitchen. I avoid doing two activities in one day as mine like playing with their toys etc.....

If I had her at home all day she’d be bored and restless.

To be honest I think if I’d posted that we’d sat around most of the day everyone would be telling me to get out with her. I’m not trying to sound snippy but they would. Besides, she spends most of her time at nursery and it doesn’t improve her sleep.

I think this age is actually very prime for separation anxiety. I think they’re really realising that mummy can leave (which means she might not come back) and when they’re tired this is exacerbated. Plus it’s a huge stage of development with words starting and beginning to walk as well, all of which seems to unsettle them a bit.
So firstly, it will pass.
I found with mine that they got more clingy the more that I tried to pull away so when I was with them I had to make the concerted effort to be always pulling them close for a cuddle, lightly scratching their back as we read together, just being super tactile. This often seemed to make them able to more happily run off and do their own thing for a bit as I guess they could tell they were being a bit pushed away if I was always stopping them. I, like you, also found myself very touched out but I actually found this better as it was on “my terms” and seemed to stop the hair twirling, face stroking, poking etc which would drive me round the bend.

@Notimeforaname

DH has taken her away for a bit as I was just getting desperate

He should be going half of it when home. For 'a bit' when you're 'desperate ' just isn't enough clearly

This.

Thanks @Ozgirl75

It feels like it’s lasted a lifetime. I just wish sleep would improve. I feel like if I got a better nights sleep it would be so much better!

Yes, things are better when everyone sleeps well.
I also Co-slept for part of the night with my tactile second son who always wanted to be close to me. But he would settle as soon as he was next to me, it sounds like yours actually isn’t settling well even with you. Would it be worth trying to get her to sleep by herself? My oldest son needed a few nights of settling and then leaving him ( not to cry, I don’t do CC) and he actually slept really well. My younger one though, this never worked for, he just got worked up (I remember him at 15months as we went on holiday and he would screamcry “NO NIGHTNIGHT” at me if I dared to leave the room)

I also do shamefully remember saying to my husband at about 3am once “can you please take this fucking baby as I am about to scream if I get touched one more time”
Felt very bad about it but I think it needed to get DH on board about how hard I was finding it.

I’m desperate for her to sleep by herself but she just won’t. It’s awful. From about 10pm onwards she goes ballistic if you put her in her cot. Sleeps fine in it when going down for the night and for naps in the day. I don’t know what to do!

It sounds hard, you have my sympathy.
We did this thing which was popular 11 years ago when I had my first which is where you put them down drowsy, then go in after 2 minutes (timed) and just quietly pat them in the dark, lay them down if necessary but with minimal interaction, just saying “shhhh shhh, time for sleep” and then leave. Then each time you add on 30 seconds and do the same thing.
A lot from my mothers group found this worked very well, including me. You do have to be a little tough but you’re not leaving them for ages, they know you’re coming back but also know that they have to sleep.

The problem is we don’t really get drowsy. She’s no trouble going down and falls asleep within minutes of you putting her in her cot at around 7. But then she wakes crying a couple of hours later and she won’t go back down.

I’ve tried staying with her to reassure her and it doesn’t work, pick up put down doesn’t work either. Sometimes she gives in through sheer exhaustion some two / three hours later but then she wakes an hour later anyway, so doesn’t seem worth it. I can’t work it out at all since as I say she’s fine going in it and for day time nap.

It sounds like she’s treating that night sleep like a nap so she’s refreshed after the couple of hours.
I’m not an expert at all but the only thing that worked with any parenting stuff for my two was having a consistent approach. So I would stick to something for at least a week, if it didn’t work then, fine, it could be jettisoned but it may be that she’s a bit confused by sometimes being picked up, sometimes coming into your bed, sometimes not. So I would just try picking your “favourite” sleep option, or the one that has had the most success so far (even if it’s very little, but better than nothing) and committing to it for a week - and then don’t cave! Don’t bring her into bed if you don’t want to (and I like Co sleeping but only because it worked for us), and see how it goes.
You’ve got this - you can be strong and also you know that you’ll be a kind and patient mum and she’ll be a happy child if you’ve both had good sleep.

You need to get your husband on board too and tell him that you may need naps and rests in the day and some time out from your daughter as well but you’re determined to get this sleep stuff sorted.

I don’t think I can when I’m this exhausted @Ozgirl75. I have tried and been consistent but it doesn’t work and I am just waiting and hoping it will get better one day. That’s all I can do, I think.

I know what you mean - it feels like a horrible catch 22 doesn’t it?
You’ll get there - and she will too, I promise it doesn’t last. Good luck