Husband and I were watching a program and one of the contestants started talking about how they bottle up their emotions and feel they can’t talk to anybody about their feelings.
DH turned to me and said he felt the same and feels he can’t talk to me. I asked him why he felt he couldn’t talk to me and he said it’s because I make everything about myself and don’t even realise I’m doing it. I asked him for an example and he said there were too many. When I tried to defend myself, he said I was just proving his point. I tried being quiet but he told me he was too “wound up to talk”.
The last time he said this to me was New Year’s. (See this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4443159-Is-he-being-controlling-Am-I-right-to-keep-screenshots). I told him I feel this is unfair as before asking him if he wanted to do anything for New Year’s, I purposely didn’t tell him about the invite to a friend’s party as I didn’t want him thinking I would rather spend the night celebrating New Year’s with friends rather than him. (I asked him if he wanted to celebrate or do something nice and he said no. Then I asked if I could go out) Yet I still felt chastised for going out. He told me he felt lonely, etc.
DH has spent a lot of money on business ventures and domains, only to ditch it half way through (I’m also guilty of not seeing things through sometimes but I acknowledge it). I lent him over a grand to do a Personal Trainer course and he never finished it/lost interest half way through. He wanted me to give up Universal Credit and work more hours over the weekend or evenings so that he could earn extra money (without deductions) and rent a studio. However the extra money he would potentially earn wouldn’t go into household bills, etc., it would go towards his business and I would still pay all the utilities (whist working unsociable hours because we can’t afford childcare).
Within weeks, he had a new idea for a business so I bought him a Costa, we talked it through and I tried to give him lots of encouragement. New year, new start and all that.
Yet nothing feels good enough.
I try to lighten the load for him as often as possible because I know he suffers from anxiety. I don’t ask him to do anything in the home when he gets back from work (I think it’s only fair when one partner is out at work all day) and bar put ds to bed after I’ve bathed and changed him. I take out the bins, do the garden, tidy up … Yet it’s not enough.
Either I have OCD with cleaning or the house is a sh**hole (according to him). I take Mirtazapine and it causes tiredness so I used to go to bed at 9/9.30 and he told me he felt lonely because I went to bed so early. If I go out with friends, I’m leaving him out of the loop. Yet he doesn’t like most my friends and doesn’t want to go out with his. Even when I try to be attentive and listen to him, it’s not enough.
I told him it wasn’t working and it’s a toxic environment to raise our son. We argue every few days and perhaps we should part out separate ways? He agreed then later came downstairs and started sobbing saying he couldn’t bear to leave ds and not see his face every morning. It happened with his ex (his stepdaughter he was very attached to) and he can’t bear the thought of it happening again and us leaving, etc.
I told him we’d work it out and have a fresh start. I feel so weak-minded. I couldn’t stand seeing him cry like that for our son.