Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Lost my friends after miscarriage

19 replies

Lilaa · 05/01/2022 21:30

I had a MC in Christmas Day. I was 12 weeks and had just told my friends/ family etc.

Then I had to tell them the bad news. I had a few sympathetic messages and then nothing. We used to message/ chat every day.

My best friend and I used to message every day without fail and now she doesn't contact me anymore. I thought maybe they just didn't know what to say, which is understandable. However, I messaged her today and the reply was very stilted and formal.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Yummypumpkin · 05/01/2022 21:33

Christmas was less than two weeks ago.

So all that has happened with your friend is that she is giving you some space to grieve.

If that isn't what you want, you could message her without blame or demand and say,

Really miss us chatting every day. How are you?

Her reply was likely formal as she doesn't know how to be with you. You might need to show her its ok to make jokes, or talk about trivial things.

Sorry for your loss.

I am confident this problem with your friend will be resolved.

tobedtoMN · 05/01/2022 21:34

Sorry for your loss. MC is so so painful and yes people dont know what to say. Your partner will be the only one who feels as you do.
MC is surprisingly common. I think the reason it doesn't get talked about more is that many / most women go on to have healthy babies. Certainly the pain of mine lasted until the birth of my next child.
Take care.

Original poster

Lilaa · 05/01/2022 21:35

Thanks, yes you are probably right. I just feel like I've lost who I was and everything I had before. Sounds silly, I know.

OP posts:

Shiningpath · 05/01/2022 21:35

I expect she’s just giving you a bit of space. Good idea from a PP to let her know you’re ready to speak more regularly again.

CurbsideProphet · 05/01/2022 21:44

Absolutely not silly at all to feel this way💐
So sorry this has happened 💐
Does she have children?
I found that my friend who doesn't want children was most supportive after my 2 miscarriages and continues to be during my IVF. Friends who have children didn't know what to say and I don't really hear from them.

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2022 21:46

Op, I’m sorry this has happened to you, hut it’s only been 11 days since Xmas, not even two weeks, she’s likely giving you space.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/01/2022 21:51

I would also think she is not sure of what to say and worried about saying the wrong thing and upsetting you. Like if she normally sends you jokey messages she might think you think its inappropriate or if she wants to moan about something then she might worry you think she is trivialising what you've been though etc. It shouldn't have to be you that makes the first move but you need your friend, so I'd be honest with her and say 'what's up, you sound weird, I need your normal chat to try and cheer me up'

KMfirsttimemum · 05/01/2022 22:11

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby girl last year and my friendships definitely changed. People didn’t know what to say to me and didn’t know how to react. Think the best thing to do is talk openly about it to her so you both feel comfortable and you can be truthful about how you feel. You need your friends as it’s such a a hard time

TurquoiseBaubles · 05/01/2022 22:19

Is it possible your best friend is pregnant? Or does she have a small baby? In which case she will be afraid to talk to you, afraid not to talk to you and worried about making things worse.

I too am sorry for your loss . It's very raw now, and I'm sure your whole world has fallen apart. Believe it or not, it will get easier with time - I'm not saying you will get over it, but you will learn to live with it, and you will find that you rebuild new relationships with old friends as you and they can open up more.

YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 05/01/2022 22:30

Sorry to hear about the MC, it's a very difficult time. I fairly recently had one too and my friends were similar in terms of not contacting/giving space after the initially being told conversations.
What I find strange is that 3 months on its something I still think about everyday but no one "checks in" just to see how I am. I'm including my mum and sisters in that as well as close female friends. Ive put it down to it being an awkward situation for others any they don't know what you (the person whose suffered the MC) want, as in to talk/ignore so it's easier just to say nothing at all. It's also very raw for you at this stage so maybe give yourself a little space and time to consider how you feel as well before speaking to them about the no contact/stifled responses.

gobbledygoook · 05/01/2022 22:34

My friend had the same experience OP before Christmas - I'm sorry to hear about yours OP.

When she first told me, I sent her a message and some flowers. I gave her space for a few days and let her initiate contact. Tbh she actually said to me she appreciated my normal chatting as everyone else was just tip toeing around her. This is definitely totally individual and dependant on the person, and I wouldn't use this experience with other friends but this was how she felt.

I'm sorry you're not finding her how she used to be, it's a bit awkward from her side potentially not knowing how you need her to act. Perhaps she needs a bit of steering from your end on how "normal" you need conversation to be? I'd be worried about upsetting you in her shoes.

Hope you manage to reconnect and get the support from your friends x

SunAndSea37 · 05/01/2022 23:56

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I’ve had two losses and it can be so isolating. I have a counsellor to talk to now as well as I’ve found it really tough. But let your friend know you’re in that space as she probably doesn’t know what you need.

@YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna yes I’ve had the same. On top of that my mum has incurable cancer and I can only guess I’ve fallen into a space so awkward to talk about no one knows what to say at all. Sorry for your loss too. I get very annoyed that it’s more acceptable to talk about losing a pet than acknowledge what I/we have gone through.

nalabae · 06/01/2022 01:16

Not a nice feeling but as others have said some people don’t know what to say it’s a horrible situation I’m very sorry

Ceramide · 06/01/2022 08:09

I think your friend might be pregnant or trying for a baby.

londonrach · 06/01/2022 08:18

Sorry for your loss but sounds like friend is either giving you spare or pregnant... honestly Xmas was only a couple of days ago wasn't it... people lose time so don't think too much into it. Xx

Gelpennen · 06/01/2022 08:42

@CurbsideProphet

Absolutely not silly at all to feel this way💐 So sorry this has happened 💐 Does she have children? I found that my friend who doesn't want children was most supportive after my 2 miscarriages and continues to be during my IVF. Friends who have children didn't know what to say and I don't really hear from them.

This was my experience as well, even after explaining how nice it was to have normal conversations with friends. I think the best thing you can do is try and be honest/reach out to your friend and say you’d like to chat.

Sorry for your loss OP

Candyss · 06/01/2022 08:57

not sure people suggesting OPs friend might be pregnant is remotely helpful, when I had my miscarriage the thought that my best friend could of been pregnant would of tipped me over the edge.

I think it is far more likely that your friends don't know what to say. I had the same - people didnt know what to do or say for the best. I had a very preterm birth this year, son was born just before 28 weeks and tbh, apart from one of my friends who looked after my daughter and practically helped me, the rest were and still are quite shit. not because they're bad people but because it's not something they know what to do with.

sorry for your loss OP. it gets better

CurbsideProphet · 06/01/2022 09:57

Yes I agree that it's not helpful to keep suggesting the friend is pregnant.

I don't know why it is so hard for some people to say to their friend "I'm so sorry this awful thing has happened to you. I'll keep checking in so you know I'm thinking of you, no obligation to reply until you're ready". Why would anyone need a prompt to say something similar?

Quadrilingual · 31/01/2022 21:48

Hi OP how are you feeling? I'm sorry for your loss. I agree with others that they are not sure how to talk about it with you and don't want to start the topic unless you do. I found the same when I told friends I had miscarried. In fact like someone else here said, my most supportive friends were the ones who have never had children and the ones who had children I've not heard from as much. Not sure if they are just busy or don't want to bring it up with me. Give yourself time to grieve and find someone you can talk to. Be kind to yourself xx

Flip