Please help me know im not crazy

[Gaslightedtodeath]

Hi

My h has gaslighted me for our entire relationship.
I knew it deep down but its so insidious and manipulative that I have lived on the edge of insanity because of it.
I shut down in the marriage a while ago and simply gave up talking to him about anything other than very necessary house or childcare stuff.

I was telling him about something in my day over dinner and he gas lit me about my own day when he wasn't even there. He kept saying its because I didn't explain it well and he genuinely didn't understand and that I have it wrong and he didn't say that and its me who said it but I know I'm not insane. The dc were upstairs and I feel totally awful but I lost it and as firmly and as loud as I could I told him I know what he is doing, I'm not crazy, I'm ok, I do not have to live like this. A huge argument happened and I'm gutted that the dc heard. I have ended up in tears and I have packed a bag. He will not leave so I need to for my own sanity and well-being. I asked him to leave earlier in the week and he just ignores me and carries on as normal even getting into bed with me and trying to kiss me.

In our entire relationship I have never been right even if its something I know well, he has countered every opinion I have ever expressed and he has told me plainly that every feeling I have ever had is wrong. He has been right about everything every day of our marriage. I'm utterly exhausted.

Even as I right this down im still questioning if I am infact right or if I am just crazy or seeing things that are not there. I cannot believe how this has chipped away at me.

I'm scared to spend a penny because if I do he makes me feel like crap. That's just another aspect of his abuse.

He tells me he can't see it and he does not mean to be this way. This is what he will say when I try leave. He will then say sorry. He will then get angry.

I'm so tired.
I am right arnt I.
I'm not crazy.
How can I convince myself this as I feel so unsure.

You are not crazy, but if you leave take the dc with you. How old are they? X

Never ever leave dc behind..

They are pre schoolers bless them

Who cares what he says?

You are within your rights to end this relationship and you know he plays mind games on you.

What are your housing options?

I was thinking of going to a hotel. I have no support network or anywhere to take the dc tonight.

My exh used to make every story I told him into my fault too!! It can be utterly exhausting and dispiriting

Unless you can take your dc then stay. Ring women's aid.

If you are not strong enough to go at the moment, and if you want complete proof that he is gaslighting you - invest in one of these tiny little voice recorders:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00OL1ADIS/ref=ppx_od_dt_b_asin_title_s00?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8

You shouldn't have to - but I have a feeling that you might not leave tonight - or if you do he will persuade you to come back.

Good luck - really feel for you.

Every bone in my body is wanting to get away from him but I can't leave my dc as you say. They are both awake anyway unable to settle.

You're not crazy. He's abusive, time to leave if he won't. As PP said, women's aid, solicitors etc get the ball rolling. This is not even remotely a happy marriage and you deserve to be happy.

Yeah another one saying don’t leave your children. Try to sleep tonight and formulate a plan tomorrow.

I don't doubt it for a minute, but the only way to be sure when you're in that situation is to leave. As long as you are there he will be convincing you that it's you, not him and that he can't understand what the problem is. You need to get you and the kids out of there.

You are not crazy. My ex was very similar and I questioned my sanity too. He even convinced me that I couldn't trust my own judgement due to being mentally unwell so I have to rely on his judgement.

I did not realise how much he weighed me down until I finally took that step and got rid of him.

Be prepared though, if he is anything like my ex. You know the cycle they go through of saying sorry, then playing the victim and sympathy card, then anger on repeat until you give in an accept blame?
I had never seen anything like it when my ex realised I was deadly serious. That cycle was not only rapid, but even more crazy than I ever thought possible.

It was then that I truly learned the meaning of the word unhinged.

The confusion of their tactics not working must send them into overdrive and they must short circuit in their brain or something.
For that reason alone I'd strongly advise that you do it when the kids aren't there, or when you are already out of the house.

Call women's aid. They can help. I was offered accommodation if I was leaving him, but thankfully it was my name on the tenancy.

Are you financially ok if you leave now? If so, make plans and avoid engaging with him beyond small talk until you have something in place and somewhere to go.
If not, get advice on how to get your situation sorted for you and your DC.
If you decide to stay (at least in the short term), go on the offensive. Instead of defending yourself when he tells you you’re wrong, start focusing on him and what he’s doing wrong. Think up some phrases and use them on repeat to shut down the behaviour, such as “you’re a gaslighter and you need help”, without going into any detail (you both know what’s going on, so don’t be goaded into explaining things, so that he can twist the story to his advantage). Once you’ve made your point, walk away and refuse to talk further. If he uses your DC to try to get you to adjust your behaviour (e.g. “Mummy is in a bad mood”, respond to him directly and say something like “don’t involve the children ‘darling’, we know that’s not healthy for them and we both love them and want what’s best, don’t we”). You can fight this behaviour with some prep work to allow you to keep calm, stand firm and make your point. All the while, you can be making plans to leave, which will hopefully
make you feel more in control and confident you can do this without him.

You can record on your phone. Just to get you through the next few days.

I know what you are going through. You need to leave but don't just run! Get some help. Put a plan together. Get documents in a safe place, get legal advice and definitely get a recording device. My ex was charm personified! When I called the police on him they were all for minimising the situation until I played what I had recorded on my phone. They made him leave for 24 hours. Get all the support you can.

I care deeply for my ex, I just couldn't live with him and our relationship is much better because he knows he can't control me anymore. Sending you strength. A dear friend used to say 'there is light at the end of the tunnel, you can't see it because it's just round the bend'. I always remind myself of this when troubled.

You are definitely NOT crazy. You are right to want to leave. Approach it like a project.
Do all that has been advised. 1 get help, seek out a friend who is willing to help and contect a helpline. 2 start recording the conversations and collecting proof of his behaviour. 3 start collecting important papers, make copies where needed or stash away originals and give those to your friend for safe keeping out of the house. Make sure you also get birth certificates of you and your children. Arrange access to all accounts , create a new account if you have to only under your own name. Make sure you have proof of address and make sure you have everything to start over on your own. Start building a support network of family and friends. Arrange for a place to stay, ideally with friends or family in the beginning. And then just take your kids and leave.

Thank you everyone. I'm going to sleep now as im not feeling too good with all this. I have read all your replies and have taken the good advice. Thank you again.

My dad has done this to my mum all her life. She wouldn't leave because of us when we were kids. Then she couldn't leave as she'd lost herself. Please don't stay if he's doing this to you.

Good luck, OP - you can do it!