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Original poster

Ex-husband not providing a bedroom for teenage son

29 replies

Margs01 · 05/01/2022 17:52

Hello Mums,

Looking for some advice here. My ex-husband is looking for a property to rent that potentially has no bedroom for our teenage son. We are unfortunately not able to communicate very well, so the only information I receive on this is from our son and I am careful not to involve him where possible. My view is that our son needs a bedroom and that his father should provide him with one. I have no idea what my ex-husband's income/financial situation is as he refused to be be financially transparent in relation to a settlement, but my feeling is he can afford it, but doesn't want to spend the money. The bigger picture is that ex-husband is waiting on funds which should be forthcoming this year, so the situation could be somewhat temporary. However, my feeling is ex-husband will continue to rent and if he feels he can 'get away' with not providing our son with his own bedroom he won't. I don't know what the legal requirements are for providing a separate bedroom for a minor are as yet, but will look into this. Our son spends 50% of his time with each of us, in the form of alternate weeks. Just wanted to see if anyone else has encountered a similar situation? Best wishes,

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 05/01/2022 17:54

Maybe the living area could be used as a sleeping area

WhatScratch · 05/01/2022 17:56

’Our son spends 50% of his time with each of us, in the form of alternate weeks’

He’s a teenaged boy. He needs a bedroom.

Hankunamatata · 05/01/2022 17:56

Lots parents have 1 beds and use sitting room as bedroom. How old is teenage son?

Bigassbeebuzzbuzz · 05/01/2022 18:00

I think the council on provides more than 1 bedroom unless you can prove he stays there often enough so legally I wouldnt say there was anything in that.
How does your son feel about not having a room? Will it make him spend less time with his dad?
Either way I do think the child in this situation should have the bedroom

TippledPink · 05/01/2022 18:02

He should have a bedroom if he is staying alternate weeks. Otherwise it looks like your arrangement will be changing. Nothing to look into legally, it is up to him.

TabithaTittlemouse · 05/01/2022 18:12

We went through this. Ds now only goes one night a month because he hates not having a bed.

SpaceshiptoMars · 05/01/2022 18:16

I don't know what the legal requirements are for providing a separate bedroom for a minor are as yet, but will look into this.

Thousands of families in the UK are in temporary accommodation, sharing just the one room. So my guess is the law is not on your side. Poverty is poverty. Accommodation is in short supply.

Mrstamborineman · 05/01/2022 18:17

Maybe exh will sleep in living room

Butchyrestingface · 05/01/2022 18:18

Do you think it's his father's way of trying to reduce overnight contact with his son, OP?

The lad surely won't be in any hurry to spend alternate weeks at daddy's if he doesn't have a bedroom to call his own. Sad

Whaleandsnail6 · 05/01/2022 18:20

I think the only way this is acceptable is if your ex gives his son the bedroom and your ex uses the living room to sleep in, especially since your son is there so often.

It's not ideal but unfortunately many families are in this predicament of not having enough bedrooms and having to use livingrooms as sleeping space. I do think it should be the adult that sacrifices the room though so that, where able teenagers can have their space.

emilynotinparis · 05/01/2022 18:22

I'm sure the ex partner is doing this to spite anyone. He probably can't afford it. Maybe he'll be sleeping in living room on sofa bed while son has the bedroom.

Akire · 05/01/2022 18:23

EOW would be pain to manage on sofa, every week no way. Where does he manage put all his stuff? if he does want contact 50/50 he needs arrange proper space. Or at least give up his room and he can sleep on the sofa. Plenty of parents do make do with that. presuming he doesn’t pay maintenance so why not use that extra money to get 2 bed? They often are not that more expensive than a one bed certainly not double.

Kite22 · 05/01/2022 18:23

Obviously we are only hearing this from your side.

Obviously, it would be lovely if all teens could have their own bedroom. However, this does not always happen due to financial circumstances. I don't think a parent who is a loving parent should be deprived of time with their child because, for a limited period of their life, they can't provide them with their own bedroom.

emilynotinparis · 05/01/2022 18:24

@emilynotinparis

I'm sure the ex partner is doing this to spite anyone. He probably can't afford it. Maybe he'll be sleeping in living room on sofa bed while son has the bedroom.

Is NOT doing this to spite anyone!

MintJulia · 05/01/2022 18:26

As a teenager, if your ds isn't comfortable with the sleeping arrangements, he is old enough to take his own decision not to stay over night and tell his df why.

What does DS think?

TheVanguardSix · 05/01/2022 18:33

I think very few parents set out to do this on purpose, OP. Finances take such an enormous blow in divorce. And it sounds like your ex is struggling. I was in his position and was absolutely hounded by my ex for not having a two bedroom flat. I was working two jobs and struggling to make ends meet. It all worked out better as time went on, but the first few years as a single mum in a one bedder were so, so, so tough.

Poverty is poverty. You can't draw blood from a stone. I very much doubt he's doing this to reduce overnight stays. There's the odd weirdo who does crap like that, but I'd like to think most parents really miss their kids and want to see them as much as poss. Divorce and poverty are good bedfellows in many cases. And I think you're reading way too much into this. Your ex is skint. And there are uncomfortable consequences that come with that. Hopefully, he'll do the reasonable thing and give your lad the bedroom. That's what I did.

Original poster
Margs01 · 05/01/2022 18:36

Thanks so much to everyone so far. Agree I don't think there's spite involved here. It's complex. I certainly want our son to continue to see his father as much as possible. Ex-husband doesn't pay me any maintenance currently - 100% of his income is his bar day to day costs of food etc. when our son is with him. I wouldn't imagine there's a legal position on this either. My son is keen to spend as much time with his father as possible, which I support. It's more of a lack of conscience with the ex-husband I think and putting his own needs above his sons. He's been paying his share to rent a 3-bed house with a girlfriend until now, but that arrangement has come to an end so I'm finding it challenging to understand why he won't find a 2-bed, even if it was one Zone further out of London, which makes a difference in price. It's really difficult to be firm on this when I don't fully know his financial position.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/01/2022 18:40

Well you can’t really tell him what to do, but I agree with you. A teenage child does need their own room (as does a younger child), especially if it’s 50:50.

Does exh plan to sleep in the living room and give Ds his room maybe?

TheVanguardSix · 05/01/2022 18:40

I have no idea what my ex-husband's income/financial situation is as he refused to be be financially transparent in relation to a settlement

Really? Didn't you exchange form Es?
Anyway, I don't wish to give you a hard time, but I think the situation is pretty transparent! He's broke. I very much doubt he's squirreling away undisclosed assets. I hope your son doesn't stop seeing his dad just because he's in a post-divorce shithole. Be careful, OP. If dad and son have a good relationship, don't let a shitty little flat be the reason it could be damaged. Walls go up and walls come down in life. I guess what I'm saying is, I hope your DS has a good relationship with his dad and that the lack of space won't impact that relationship. It really shouldn't. I've been in his shoes. I'd be heartbroken if my DS at that time stopped spending time with me. I couldn't have done better than I was doing at that time. I did eventually end up buying a 4 bedroom house! So, give your ex a chance. Life has a way of changing.

19lottie82 · 05/01/2022 18:48

If that’s all your ex can afford, then that’s all he can afford.
But yes, crap for your son, and totally understandable if he doesn’t want to stay there.

SpaceshiptoMars · 05/01/2022 19:00

The bedroom could perhaps be divided with a room divider, or you could suggest a sleep pod for your son. These are used for autistic kids, but a tent would do a similar job for a teenager:

www.amazon.co.uk/Snuggy-Pod-Bed-Canopy-Lightweight/dp/B08P2D2CQD?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Have you considered the possibility that the last girlfriend earned more money than your ex? Some fellas trade on their good looks!

WonderfulYou · 05/01/2022 19:36

Teens should have their own bedroom or share with siblings, however you say it’s only temporary so I wouldn’t worry.

It sounds like he has to move asap so doesn’t have time to be picky.

ChristmasPlanning · 05/01/2022 21:26

Is your son comfortable asking his Dad?