2nd child? If you were on the fence did you regret it?

[Sidhdbej]

I know no one can make this decision for me but the only answer I ever get from DH is "we will do what you decide" which is nice but also unhelpful and I don't have anyone else to discuss it with.

DS is just 5 and I personally don't want a much bigger age gap than 6 or 7 years so it's sort of a now or never desicion.

We are financially comfortable but don't have a lot of "fun money" at the end of the month after bills and the thought of 4 years of nursery fees is worrying (I do think we would get some help and we could afford it but it would be very tight each month). I love DS and I worry about him having to make sacrifices so we can afford the early years.

I hated being pregnant, I had severe morning sickness for the whole 40 weeks and was miserable.

I am on a limited time contract for my job which ends in mid 2023, extension depends on a project extension and I dont know when will find that out.

We have a 3 bed house but the 3rd room is tiny and I keep wondering where we would put all the babies things

I also worry about things going wrong or not to plan, job loss, death, illness, how I would cope if the baby had a severe disability and how it would impact DS etc.

However my family is small, my brother will probably never have children and my husbands brother lives 300 miles away and I keep thinking of poor DS being all alone.

I think most importantly when I think of the future (10, 20 years) the thought of not having another child makes me feel very sad.

I suffer from anxiety and I cant decide whether my apprehensions are valid or if its my anxiety trying to plan for every scenario.

My heart says do it and we will overcome any obstacles and my head says there is too much at stake.

If you were on the fence about another child do you regret your decision (whichever way you decided)

YABU = I regretted my desicion
YANBU = I don't regret my desicion

Follow your heart.

No way would I have a baby with someone so incredibly passive about it - “we’ll do whatever you decide”?? It’s having a baby, a decades long commitment to the welfare of a new person - I think conceiving my children was about the biggest decision I ever made. It’s not on a par with “what shall we have for dinner” or “what colour shall we paint the living room”!!

I adore DS but I think DD would have been happier as an only and I think I might have enjoyed just having 1 child too

We've had a bit of a time of it. We conceived quickly the second time around and then had a Tfmr at 22 weeks as baby was very poorly. Which obviously was awful to go through and now to live with.
After we lost him we did go on to have dd (who is now 15 months) and it's been hard work. Really much harder than I'd ever imagined.
I'm so glad we have her and I'm happy that our family will be bigger than if we'd just had the one child but equally, ds would have been happy as an only and it would have been less stress.
Obviously writing that down sounds awful but just to share a realistic example of how it can go. We never expected this to be our journey.

The biggest thing here is your child is 5 so will be 6/7 when you have the baby. This is quitr a gap. In some respects it makes things a lot easier because you are not looking after two little ones, but it can also be harder because both of your children will have completely different needs and wants due to their age differences, your eldest may love having a sibling, but they may also really dislike it because they've had you to themselves their whole life. Does your child ask for a sibling?
I think it needs to come down to how much you want this second child yourself? And go with your gut feeling. I have two children and I love it, but they are closer in age because I wanted them to grow up together experiencing similar stages at the same time

My dh said the same when i wanted a 2nd, in the end said was up to me so we did, no definitely don't regret but I know some that do.

Havent voted as I regretted it at first (non sleeper, non eater, fiercely stubborn baby) who triggered a health condition and meant I was off work for 6 months and worried I'd lose my job.

However once they reached 2 it became much better and I dont feel like that any more. Life is definitely more hectic. But they bring me so much joy and laughter (still stubborn though!) and on the whole they are good company for their sibling which made some parts of lockdown easier (but others such as home schooling harder)

However there are no guarantees siblings will get on well so I'd do it for you if you want to, not for them

As an adult and an only child I have always wished for a siblings, especially now. I had a perfect childhood and young adulthood. I was happy to care for my parents in their later years and accepting that any inheritance was used in care home fees, and happy to visit every day as there was no one else to visit them. However, now my parents are dead I have no biological relatives at all (obviously no siblings, nieces, nephews - I was unable to have children so have adopted). I feel a complete genetic freak having no one on the planet that shares my genes, and find it so very difficult. I do realise that probably no-one else feels this way and maybe your post was my opportunity to put into words what I have held inside. I also know of course siblings may not get on, I know nieces and nephews are not guaranteed even if you have siblings, I know you can create your own family (I have with adopting children and now fostering too) but the being alone genetically thing is something that does haunt me.

Have a look at the one child families board, lots of helpful advice there. I dithered for years and eventually we decided to go for it. There is a 6 1/2 year gap between my two. I have documented my journey on thw one child boards. I did regret it at first. I had awful pnd. It was very tough for the first few months and I very much regretwd it. I wouldn't have it any other way now. We all settled and found our groove. We are happy. But we would have been happy as a family of 3 too. I never felt that my family was incomplete or that something was missing in the way you hear some people talk. We were very happy as a 3. My advice would be to make a decision and make peace with it. Whether you go for it or not. Decide, make peace and move on. My biggest regret is all the angst. All the time I wasted dithering. Precious years I'll never get back. Whatever you do, don't just drift. Make a conscious decision and then make peace with it.

I have a 12 year gap between my two. My DS would absolutely have been happy to have remained being a 3; he’s told me as much. My DD is only 11 weeks old, so early days.

I have missed being a 3, too. We were happy as a 3. But there was always a painful sense of someone being missing, and we never gave up hope of a sibling as my DS turned 4,5,6… all the way to 12. We had three losses on the way, two are in the same grave.

Do I regret it? Perhaps too early to say. I have felt regret, but as I say, it’s early days.

Not at all. Even though my second is a handful we wouldn't be without them.

No!

Even though I should have divorced exh way before thar, and the eventual divorce was much harder with two children to think about than one (housing wise and logistically), plus I’d be fairly unhindered career wise but now if I’d stopped at my first…. Plus two are of course more expensive than one…

All that and no, I could never regret lovely DS ♥️

I personally don't know anyone who regretted making the decision to have another child. But I do know 2 very close friends who regretted not having one/another. Both had the same concerns you now have -money, space etc. But they also know they would have managed these things if they had to. One mentions her regrets occasionally (they have no children) and the other who has one dd15, quite often. Both are in their mid 40's and feel it's too late now. My friend with the dd is at present dealing with the recent death of her dm. She has 2 siblings and they are supporting each other emotionally through this very sad time. I think this has brought it home to her that when she and her dh die, their dd will be on her own dealing with it (hopefully with the support of a dp and family of her own) but with no siblings to help make decisions etc. But not just this, she has often mentioned times when she has felt sorry for her dd. Times like Christmas Eve and the excitement of running down to see if Santa had been, the exciting build up before holidays etc etc. She feels guilty that her dd never had a sibling to share that excitement with growing up.

This part is irrelevant (hopefully!) to you but her dd found lockdown very difficult (we're in Ireland). During the lockdown, she had no one except her parents around. Her cousin has an autoimmune disease so they couldn't even be together. Although my 3 annoyed the hell out of each other (and me!) at times during lockdown, they also played lots of board games etc etc together. Anyway, as I said, hopefully that wouldn't be relevant in your case!

With regards to people saying the age difference would be quite large. As they got older, that wouldnt really matter. I have a wonderful relationship with my sister who is 6 years older than me. And an advantage when they're younger is that you'd only have 1 set of nappies to think about! And it's very common for a 3,4 or 5 year old to be put out when a new sibling comes along but you can usually convince a 6 or 7 year old that it will be a wonderful addition to the family without them feeling left out.

My husband was the same when we were thinking about having dc number 3. It was infuriating in a way but what he meant was, he was very happy with the 2 we had, but if I really wanted another one, he'd be happy with that too. I wanted a yes or no from him at the time so the decision wouldn't be all mine. But he would have been still happy if I had turned around and said I didn't want a 3rd. Now obviously he's delighted we did have another! Anyway, good luck with your decision.

Thank you everyone who has replied some really helpful opinions, I know in my heart it's what I want I just find it hard to trust my own judgement at times.

I have 3 dc. All with ASD but able to attend mainstream school. Life is exhausting, one child in particular can be very trying, but I'm glad I had them all. I have anxiety as well but I know that if we had stuck at one I would have gone to my grave still thinking 'what if'. Knowing that made my choice easier and regret free.

Follow your heart! You may always regret it otherwise

Not me but a good friend almost had an abortion as she was so on the fence about a second pregnancy. She doesn’t regret it one bit, and in fact her second experience was so much more positive than her first for many reasons. That was part of the reasons she held back.

I had decided I only wanted 1 baby after a horrible pregnancy (hg & spd) followed by an emcs and difficult recovery. My first born was a very difficult baby and I really really struggled the first few years with all the issues parenthood brought. I swore I would never put myself through it again!

DC was 4yo when I accidentally fell pregnant at the worst possible time in my life. Our house was too small, my job was very unstable, I had some health issues that were of concern but we decided to keep the pregnancy purely because I didn't have the strength to terminate.

I can honestly say I do not regret my decision one bit. DC2 is the best thing to happen to our family. My pregnancy was completely different the second time and I breezed through it feeling wonderful! Easy labour and recovery. DC2 was such an easy baby and a great sleeper from day 1 and seeing the bond both DC have just melts my heart! I found parenting so much easier the second time because I knew what I was doing and I was a lot more relaxed and confident.

We are a bit overcrowded with both DC sharing a bedroom but they absolutely love it. Every morning when go to wake them, they are asleep in the same bed hugging eachother. We will be upgrading to a bigger house in the next few years but they have told me they want to keep sharing a bedroom.

Definitely trust your own judgement. If you decide to go for it, you will manage. You have a good age gap so it will be a lot easier than 2 young babies. Good luck.

I regretted it the first 6 months after birth as number 2 also suffered from horrific colic. After that, I started to enjoy being a mum again. By the time he was one, I was so massively grateful I'd listen to my oh and stopped the pill.

I definitely didn't regret my second, however I always wanted 2 children.

My daughter ended up having lifelong medical problems, which we are dealing with ok, but at times it's quite overwhelming.

I would say that if you are on the fence, to consider how you would feel if the 2nd child ends up with a health condition or something else, as there are no guarantees of good health. Especially if you or your husband are a bit reluctant on having a second child anyway, it could change how you feel and perhaps decide one is enough.

Do you find yourself doing a headcount and feeling like you’re missing someone? As bonkers as it sounds, this is how I felt at times. Haven’t had that feeling since my second child arrived. I cringe somewhat at the “now our family is complete” phrase, but there’s a sort of peace that comes with knowing when you’re “done”, if that makes sense. It’s been a wild ride with two, many ups and downs and a divorce thrown in, but we are a little unit. I’d change many things, but not the existence of these two little humans. And I say this as someone who never “wanted” to be a Mum. Yet here I am, and I’d be bloody lost without them (definitely more well-rested and with more disposable income, but lost nonetheless 😂).
Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best. ♥️