Healthy boundaries at work

[SillySausage25]

Advice needed please.

I work in a small office for a large company. I work with 8 others, 4 do different jobs and 4 of us do the same role. I work full time and the other 3 work part-time/job share. My boss also sits in the same small office. I have worked there for 4 years and generally like my job and get good feedback from my boss about my work.

My boss is very relaxed and has created a workplace environment that is very easy going. Sometimes a little too easy going and he likes us to manage ourselves.

So that's the background, this is my dialema....
A few weeks ago he told us all in the room that a job was coming our way from the top boss. I asked him who he was asking to take the job and he said "all of you, it's a group effort". A few weeks went by and the top boss emailed 4 of us asking for the job to be actioned ASAP. I had a couple of urgent priorities so asked my colleagues if anyone had capacity to look at the job and as soon as I had finished my urgent jobs, I would chip in. They all said "No" they couldn't do it. This is not the first time this has happened and my boss is aware of this. In fact, the whole office is aware that I generally have to pick things up as my colleagues are always too busy!. In the end, another person in the office said she would do it as she wanted something different to do as she was bored. Problem solved. I must add that the task is not something me and my colleagues normally do.

Fast forward a few weeks and I approached my boss about some training that I needed to do and I asked if I could do it the next day. The office was full when he asked me "how come you can do some training tomorrow when you couldn't do the job the boss asked you to do the other day? How come you have time as I was under the impression you were busy?. What's changed?".

I was a bit shocked and I said "I didn't realise it was just a job for me to complete" I then tried to explain that on the day it needed actioning (which was last minute) I had 2 urgent jobs to complete so I asked if my colleagues could help, they said no and then someone volunteered. I got myself in a tizzy as he was being very difficult. He kept saying over and over that I agreed to do the job and how come I am now that free of work that I can do training. I advised that priorities change sometimes hour to hour. He went on and on in front of all my colleagues. In the end of trying to defend myself, I gave up and said that If he needs to talk to me about issues with my work, that he do this out of the office and that I was not willing to be humiliated any further.

I sat all day almost in tears and not one colleague asked if I was okay, which I clearly was not. After some hours he asked to speak to me privately and he apologised. He said that the woman who had volunteered to do the job had complained to him that the whole office was chatting whilst she was trying to get the job done! I was not one of those who was sat there chatting as I was trying to get my priority jobs done quickly so I could help her. Of course, I tried to explain this. He may have apologised but he back tracked throughout this meeting and again it went on and on and I was made to feel very belittled and bullied and wondering what the hell I had done wrong and what he was hoping to achieve from it all. I actually wondered if I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

So I went home and got upset and then got a lengthy text from one colleague who witnessed it all in the office. It basically said that the boss was at fault and she was so shocked. She kept repeating that I must have been embarrassed and that I did such a good job trying to act normal afterwards. She really wanted to say something but it wasn't her business so she kept her nose out etc etc ( it was her business as 1. She was there when our boss said that it was a group task which included her and 2. It's actually a job that she normally does!). Her message went on to moan about this person and that person. Well, I was so upset that I replied back " I don't want to discuss it with you suffice to say that I am upset that no one in the office voiced their feelings nor asked me if I was okay". She replied "OKx"

Fast forward to now and I still feel so hurt and confused. I am trying not to feel this way but I just do. I have been back in work today after the Christmas holidays and I have been polite and professional but I just cannot bring myself to be anything more with anyone in the office. It's difficult as the office culture my boss has created is one without boundaries. Colleagues share everything in the office, even very personal information and it's so chatty. I have just realised that I need some boundaries and that I need to distance myself from the others in the office but not let it effect me professionally. I have received a message from another colleague today saying that I have been quiet today and am okay! I have ignored the message as again, I don't want it.

What are your thoughts? Am I doing the right thing. How can I shake this feeling.

😊

It sounds like you lead in some areas (asking who was to do the work and then actively addressing it with colleagues) - possibly your boss expected you to take more of a lead with it despite saying it was team based.

Definitely think you got the shit end of the stick though.

I wouldn't spoil friendships for example the second person who text you I would reply with something generic and vague like "all well, hope you're good too" ... but I would step back from volunteering myself first esp if you're all on the same level and team.

Your boss is a pathetic, lazy user who is probably crap at his own job.

He relies on you carrying him.

Your colleagues are probably rubbish too.
He's pissed off that you personally didn't do it and he couldn't take credit for your good work.
He had to make do with whatever rubbish he was given by the volunteer.

Get a new job or only do your hours and your own work.
Don't carry the part timers or your boss

Tough one - sounds like a horrible situation.

I don’t think overall that you should hold grudges against your colleagues for not speaking up. It can be very hard to do so and challenge a more senior person, and I don’t think it means they don’t care about you or think it was wrong, just that they didn’t feel brave or empowered to challenge him. I would reply nicely to the person who messaged you today, and try hard to revert to your normal relationship with the wider team.

With your boss, you have two options really: 1. Raise it with him again and say it is really affecting you, or 2. Say nothing more and get on with it. But either way I do think you can learn a valuable lesson which is despite him appearing to have created a very relaxed environment in your team, he can be a dick. Therefore you need to always clarify instructions with him (and perhaps record them), for example. I have a similar thing with a senior member at work at the moment and it’s pissed me off (although not the same public humiliation) and I am going to learn the lessons!

What your colleagues messages show you is that people see he was at fault, not you. So no need for you to be embarrassed.

Hope you can put it behind you soon.

Did you help the volunteer with the work once your own priority work was completed?
Had the piece of work the volunteer undertook, been completed by the time you asked for the training time?

The answer to your boss when he was badgering you is that there are 4 people on the team. He is apparently saying it's ok for the other 3 to be too busy but you're expected to take on more work even though at the time of the request you didn't have capacity. Why is he treating you differently to the rest of the team? You're happy to review priorities as needed but again you shouldn't be singled out, it should be the priorities of the 4 of you.

Keep a private blog (ie so it’s date stamped and shows it’s not retrospectively changed) of important issues like this. If relationship with boss deteriorates you have something to show to HR. Keep on being professional and friendly with rest of team- it was boss’s fault not theirs. Keep your head down and make sure you don’t join too much chatting or over sharing going forward as your boss sounds like the kind of dick who will suddenly and randomly use stuff against you. Keep sense of proportion and remember that these are colleagues not mates, so don’t be too disappointed in them for not standing up for you.

That’s a shit situation OP

It’s a bit of a cliche but it’s one with staying power because there’s a lot of truth to it - Time will help knock the rough edges off how you’re feeling if you let it. That doesn’t mean you should necessarily let it, but if you want things to basically go back to how they were, give it some time and you will, almost certainly fall back into how it was before. Maybe with a tiny bit of reservation but substantially the same.

However, you might not want to let it. You can, of course, look for another job. The idea of a fresh start might be appealing and 4 years is a good clip in one place. But you could also look to change things where you are. Sounds like your boss is generally good at inculcating a productive work culture and the more “fun” bits of being in charge but not actually much good at managing performance or developing effective systems? And from what you write it sounds like you might, informally, be doing a fair bit of the logistical management and filling the gaps when others fail to step up? And that’s why he looked to you even though he’d given the job to “the team”.

If this is the case then have you considered asking your boss to formalize it? Request a private meeting, tell him you don’t appreciate the way he spoke to you before Christmas. That it was unprofessional and unfair. That although you frequently take the lead to help manage work flow, it’s not in your job description and you have no authority to rebalance workloads when there is a time crunch on multiple deadlines as there was on that day. That if he wants that from you he needs to give you team lead status and authority over who does what. If he doesn’t want to do it himself and he doesn’t want anyone else managing it then he should not be criticising you after the fact when you have been working more diligently if not more so than others on the team. Or something along those lines.

To me, it sounds as if your boss warned you all that a priority job was coming in from a more senior manager, and that it would be a group task for all four of you.

However, when the priority job arrived, for completion asap, three of you said that you couldn't do it and only one person volunteered to do it.

Despite volunteering, it seems she did this resentfully and felt that the rest of you weren't as busy as you made out and were chatting. Did you all rush to help her? If so, I would be cross with her for putting in a complaint tbh.

Your boss should have addressed this with you all individually and privately though of course, not singled you out in the office.

However, they have apologised so I am not sure what else you are looking for. If you have been happy there it should be possible to draw a line under it and move on I think.

Thanks everyone for taking time to reply. I have found your responses really useful and will definitely be taking the advice.

Just to clarify a few points from the comments...
I am employed to do the same job as my 3 colleagues and I am not in a position of leadership. However, there has been an ongoing problem in that my colleagues dont work as a team so in this situation for example, my colleagues just ignored the request hoping someone else would pick it up. This is not a new thing.
I used to pick all the jobs up but realised some time ago that it can't work like that, so I changed. However, when they start ignoring things, I feel like I have to sort it out. I could and have been to my boss in the past about such incidents but he doesn't do anything so I feel like I have to try and sort it myself. In the meeting, after he apologised, he said "you didn't do anything wrong when you asked your colleagues if they were able to help" so not sure what his point was really!
He didn't delegate the job in the 1st place because that's what he does. He doesn't really manage anyone so when there is a problem that you can't sort, there is no point going to him as he doesn't know how to manage people or situations.

I know taking it out on my colleagues is not helping I just think that that maybe it's a build up of other things. I feel that if I am not dealing with things, I am to blame. A bit of a scapegoat really.

I did finish my urgent work as soon as I could and I offered to help but she said she had almost finished the job anyway. No one else offered.

I just feel like I need to assert myself but as soon as I do that, my boss gets pissed 😤

@SpangledShambles

Keep a private blog (ie so it’s date stamped and shows it’s not retrospectively changed) of important issues like this. If relationship with boss deteriorates you have something to show to HR. Keep on being professional and friendly with rest of team- it was boss’s fault not theirs. Keep your head down and make sure you don’t join too much chatting or over sharing going forward as your boss sounds like the kind of dick who will suddenly and randomly use stuff against you. Keep sense of proportion and remember that these are colleagues not mates, so don’t be too disappointed in them for not standing up for you.

Where could you keep something like this ie that time stamps?

Yes @SpangledShambles I would like to know this too as I think keeping a few notes might be helpful.

Was it a task that trumped all others? You mention what you were working on was a priority - but if the boss said this particular task needed you all on it, and it completing ASAP, then I would have assumed everyone focuses on that first. It becomes the priority and trumps everything else.

Not taking away from how you were spoken to, because it wasn't professional, and should have been done in private, however I can see why the comments were made. I also don't blame the colleague for voicing her annoyance if you were all tasked, but only one done the work, regardless of whether you offered at the end of your work.

Similar for the colleague who checked to see if you were OK. People may keep their head down, for not wanting to 'get involved'.

@neron no it wasn't really that much of a priority job. It was to do an A4 sized newsletter. My 2 priorities were to get vouchers out to parents for Christmas (I work for a school) and I wanted to get them out before we broke up which was 2 days later.

T
Our manager warned us that the job was coming but didn't say when it was going to land and it happened to be a good few weeks after. Priorities change minute by minute on a school.

I agree that of course the job needed doing as it was coming from the top boss and if no one had volunteered I would have gone to my boss to explain and let him make the decision who should do it based on individual priorities. However, someone volunteered willingly, then felt fir to complain about people talking (not me!) Then I got it in the neck for no reason at all.

The women that complained to the boss even told him that she did not want him to speak to us about it and that she just wanted to "get it off her chest". So why did my boss feel the need to bring it to me as well as betray her confidence. I am sure she didn't want the whole office to know she had complained to the boss about her colleagues?

Just to add that although the boss said it was a job for us all, a "group effort" that was just so he didn't have to make a decision. Since when does a short newsletter take a group of people to complete it. It was just easier for him to say that and not have to deal with the grumbles he would have got by assigning it to an individual!

With your update, it does seem like an odd request, for 4 people to put together a newsletter. I assumed from your OP, it was a larger, more important project.

That said, I don't think it's a case of your colleague willingly volunteering. Your boss said it was to be done ASAP by you all, except everyone said they were too busy. Someone had to do in that case, did they even know you were willing to go to the boss for them to 'choose' someone? They may have felt they had no choice to do it, because it was looking like no-one else was going to bother.

Yes perhaps it was a group instruction, but it wasn't going to work out well whichever way the instruction came about I guess

@Neron thanks for your input. I do appreciate it. I feel better about it now. I think I have just learnt a valuable lesson. I realise that it's silly to assume that work colleagues have your back and that my easy going boss is actually a tosser that couldn't manage to put his pants on the right way round. I will make sure my ass is covered in future

I've never worked in a school, but I did spend 16 years in the city in huge international firms. There I learned to cover myself, because no one else was going to.

I hope this doesn't permanently cloud your feelings about working there.

Agree with flossieskeeper.

He is a terrible terrible manager.

Well the boss needs to start allocating work. I would be pointing this out loudly

It's taken me 3 years to realise this. It started with him avoiding speaking to a colleague about her behaviour in the office and her blatantly shirking her responsibilities. People left because if it and he still allows it to continue. He told a colleague that was in tears because of it, that there was no point talking to her because she never changes and she will walk out and get her husband involved!! Colleagues are allowed to work inefficiently and he never asks why? Are they struggling? Are they just lazy? Instead he pretends its not happening. It seems fantastic that he let's people in the office do what they want, take lunch breaks when they want despite this leaving no one to answer the phone but after a while it starts to cause issues in the office. People are talking about one another - why is she allowed to come in late, take longer for lunch etc etc and I don't know whether he realises that this divides people and causes animosity? I have also felt this as I am a consciensious worker with a good work ethic. I have learned to switch off as my mental health was taking a knock and I had to learn to let it go and switch off to it.

The job is so convenient for me and suits my family so I am not ready to look for another job at least until my daughter is older. Isn't it terrible that bad bosses can get away with it. Why isn't he being held to account by his boss?
I am lucky in that my husband manages people at a high level and he is good at it and respected by his staff. He can't believe it when I tell him about my boss and he agrees with you all. That he is a poor manager of people.

He is a shit manager , you can’t influence his behaviour but you can cover your arse.

@Thevoiceofreason2021 this is so true and what I will be doing from now on. What do you think is the best way to do this?

About the blog question- I did this before leaving my ex. I used WordPress - you can make each post private but it’s there as a record with date and time you wrote it.