Conflicts with parent as an adult. Should the other parent get involved?

[Whatwouldmichelledo]

I’m nearing 40 years old and have a very difficult relationship with one of my parents we’ll call parent A. They are a very cold, unloving, critical, manipulative person and whilst I love them, I do not like them. The other parent (parent B) is the exact opposite and is extremely warm, supportive, loving etc. and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. I see both parents regularly because I want parent B to see my children as I think they’re a great role model and I know parent B gets a lot of joy out of it. This means parent A also sees me and my children regularly as my parents live together. Parent A and I often get into arguments and I just cannot bite my tongue. I am holding in a lot of anger about my childhood which has come about since I’ve had my own children and reflected on my upbringing. These arguments are in no way related to parent B in any way but they get involved every single time. Initially to play peace maker, but I feel eventually siding with parent A because that is their spouse and I feel they’re trying to keep the peace. Parent B has said if discussions are had in front of them, they have every right to get involved. I feel differently, in that the discussions (arguments) are between Parent A and myself and Parent B is just present as they’re in the same room, and is getting involved. Parent A loves sitting back and watching me eventually end up arguing with parent B every single time. I do feel parent B is a bit of an enabler and they most definitely was an enabler in my childhood often telling me to just do as parent A says because ‘you know what they’re like’ etc. AIBU to expect Parent B to keep out of these issues?

Do these rows happen in front of the children?
I only now see my parents together when my husband is there due to similar behaviour from one of them. Could you do similar and break the two against one cycle?

You’re viewing Parent B through rose tinted glasses.

Parent B repeatedly chose, when you were a child, not to protect or prioritise you and your upbringing from a cold, unloving, critical, manipulative person.

Parent B continues now you’re an adult, to prioritise, defend, and actively choose parent A over you, their child.

It’s been this way for nearly 40 years, so YABU to expect anything to change now.

Time to wake up to the fact that you have two parents who are both shit parents, just in different ways.

How could the issues have nothing to do with parent B? They and parent A brought you up together. I think your anger might be more directed at A than you think. Honestly though you're in danger of recreating the things you're angry about if you're creating discord with A and B is trying to make peace between you. Isn't that just what happened throughout your childhood? How is following the same pattern going to help?

Sounds very much like my mum (parent a) and Dad. He has enabled her to ride roughshod over him and us and knows her behaviour is unacceptable but if we ever argue he sides with her. If they argue he then expects me to listen to him and give him sympathy which he doesn't get

I think you are going to have to work very hard at not engaging with parent A and their attempts to argue with you. Maybe get up and leave whenever parent 'a' starts? That also sends a very strong message to parent b.
Parent B is unlikely to change now.

My DP has relationships like this with his parents. His dad can do no wrong, whilst his mother is awful. However, his dad enabled her terrible behaviour and by all accounts provoked a lot when he was younger. Time to rethink your relationship with both parents I think, as pp said, parent b has actively chosen parent a your entire life.

Parent B is going to choose Parent A's side every time. You can enjoy their warmth and love but I don't think you can rely on them to have your back, and that will take time and sadness to adjust to before you can really accept that they are flawed and love you, but won't put you first.

Honestly it's not much for fun for your dad to sit there and listen to you and your mom bicker. Expecting him to sit there silently while ye go at it is unreasonable.
He sounds like he just wants a nice visit

Have you ever considered that your parents, by tacit agreement, may have chosen a dynamic whereby Parent A does all Parent B's arguing for them? Perhaps A enjoys seeing you argue with B only because B spent your childhood backing away from the difficult conversations and leaving all the bad cop stuff to A.

I'm going to take a wild guess A is your mum and B is your dad. In my experience, a lot of men let their wives do the dirty work emotionally so they can enjoy being Mr Nice Guy. Perhaps A hates it all too but is sick of letting B off the hook.

Just a thought.

Parent B is not a great parent and you are deluded.

They stood by and allowed to be treated as you were.

Step back from BOTH parents and take some space from all this aggravation.

Some counselling might be a good idea too.

@TooWicked

You’re viewing Parent B through rose tinted glasses.

Parent B repeatedly chose, when you were a child, not to protect or prioritise you and your upbringing from a cold, unloving, critical, manipulative person.

Parent B continues now you’re an adult, to prioritise, defend, and actively choose parent A over you, their child.

It’s been this way for nearly 40 years, so YABU to expect anything to change now.

Time to wake up to the fact that you have two parents who are both shit parents, just in different ways.

I have to agree. I think you have a very dysfunctional dynamic in the family and you need to take a step back and not engage. That doesn't (necessarily) mean no contact, but you perhaps need to explore some strategies to prepare yourself for visits.

I’d agree with @TooWicked and @BlubFestival - maybe take an opportunity to have some counselling around this. It’s easy for people like me on the outside to say this, but you’ve lived it for 40 yrs. if I was your OH or best friend I’d be suggesting you are low contact with both of them.