I keep swinging between thinking I'm being OTT and ridiculous and thinking actually if I don't listen to how I feel now I'll just drown in the toxicity.
I'm pushing 30 but still live at home with my parents. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which means I'm almost always exhausted and I have cognitive issues, so I just can't seem to understand things other people find straightforward.
My father, now in his 70's, is alcohol dependent. It's not that he's swigging back 20 cans a day or anything, but he watches the clock and as soon as it gets to 8pm he's at the gin and tonic, then wine with supper. He has reduced his intake massively over the last 5 years or so but the truth is he's hammered his liver so hard over the decades it just can't cope any more and by 2 doubles he's staggering, slurring, saying silly things and often getting belligerent. I just take my supper upstairs on a tray to get away from it all but it's not uncommon for it to result in needless arguments with my mum. He has in the past been violent towards her. Not frequently but enough that it's always there in the back of my mind. He does have an aggressive side to his nature generally. He was heavy handed with us as children, which he actually jokes about now, but even as an older teen and adult he's been violent towards me on occasion, one time even getting his hands round my neck and shaking me, which gave me whiplash for over a year. That was around 10 years back now but I'll never forget it.
Last Christmas, which was a shitshow generally, my mum disclosed to my sister and me about the times he's turned on her while drunk when they were on holiday alone together - once even trying to throw her downstairs! We sat him down and said it could never happen again, that he needed to seek professional help. He insisted that he would tackle his dependency alone. We drew up some rules such as no drinking at lunchtime and only one glass of G&T and one of wine in the evenings, plus 2 alcohol free days a week. We said the gin would have to be measured out properly and made it clear if he couldn't stick to this he would need to go to the doctors. He insisted he could control it.
Well, he hasn't. Even as far back as January or February last year he dispensed with the measuring, then went to 'washing out the bottle with tonic' when it was 'nearly empty' and topping up with that, then just topping up generally. My mum's on medication that pretty much wipes he out in the evenings so although she was noticing she didn't feel up to tackling him. He'd argue that he wouldn't be able to fully enjoy her cooking without a drink. Basically just slipped back into old habits. I've noticed but never had the nerve to confront him over it.
I was really keen to tackle him properly in the autumn with my mum and sister showing a united front, but he'd had an operation and was taking out the stress on my mum generally, just being snappy and hostile, and she said she didn't want us to rock the boat further. I did bring it up casually a couple of times during advent, stressing how important it was to me that we all have a nice calm relaxed family Christmas unlike last year.
Well you can probably imagine how it's been. He got fairly sloshed on Christmas Eve, wrote a note 'To Santa' and left out a glass of spirits, which he went ahead and drank first thing when we came down on Christmas morning. He drank every evening, not excessively, but for 5 or 6 days in a row when we'd agreed last year he wouldn't do that. On the 28th he was all set to get himself a gin and tonic but I reminded him that he should be having an alcohol free evening. He at first made out I was joking and then when I insisted he got sulky and huffy about it, but he didn't drink. He made up for that over the next few nights, especially New Years Eve when he kept topping up. I didn't say anything in front of my mum as I didn't want to cause a late night argument but as soon as she'd gone to bed he went back to the bottle, although already thoroughly pissed. I had to physically stop him and ended up getting shouty with him myself, reminding him of what he'd agreed last year and how he'd just carried on regardless. He put it back and 'went to bed' but came back down when he thought my sister and I had left the kitchen, clearly with the intention of going back to it.
I felt so utterly wiped out by it I couldn't even get out of bed all day on the 1st, but on the 2nd I rallied my mum and sister and we had another showdown. I said he had to go to the doctors, that he'd had all year to show us he could control himself and he clearly couldn't. He absolutely flatly refused. He apologised for New Years Eve and said he'd REALLY tackle it this year.
Well if any of you know any addicts you'll know that's nothing but bullshit. I feel so, so hurt by him. He can't help the addiction, that I have empathy for, but I despise him for the metaphorical middle finger he's giving us. Quite honestly I want nothing more to do with him. He's making it clear what his priorities are and it's not our family.
The worst thing though is that now my mum and my sister have fallen out with me. They think the lesser of evils is to just go along with it and pretend it's all going to be Ok. My sister's been lecturing me with a sad face about how 'We need to support him' and 'He is really trying!' (it's been 2 fucking days!!!!) while my mum is really sad because we have leftover Christmas presents and she wants us to sit around being jolly and cosy opening them as a family. The thought of being in the same house as him makes me feel sick, never mind the same room. I just loathe him for what he's done to us. My mum, sister and I all have anxiety issues that are definitely exacerbated by his behaviour, and he knows it. He just doesn't care enough to do a thing about it.
I'm so sad that my mum's taking it out on me. She's not speaking to me because I've 'ruined Christmas' by bringing it up and my sister's gone trailing back to her house feeling flattened and miserable because of all the upset (I've?) caused.
Please advise me Mumsnet. I don't even know if I'm being rational.
YABU - all families are complicated and have ups and downs. You should give your dad another chance to show he means it this time, slap on a smile and look forward to next Christmas as it could all be much more positive by then.
YANBU - addicts CAN'T change by themselves. It's not your fault for trying to tackle it and you should do whatever you can to remove yourself from this toxic situation.
Sorry for the mega long post! Any advise gratefully received.