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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re a small wedding?

27 replies

User2381 · 04/01/2022 15:12

My partner (M, 28) and I (F, 28) can't agree on a wedding. My partner's parents are married whereas my parents are not so as I've grown up marriage is not really important to me personally. My partner wants to get married and I've already agreed that I'd be willing to do this for him but we always get into arguments when we talk about weddings.

Neither of us have a big social circle so I would be quite happy with a small ceremony at the registry office with our siblings and parents/grandparents and then a small family meal afterwards. However my partner says if we didn't have a big wedding to which his whole extended family (which is quite big) were invited they'd be offended. We can't afford a big wedding as we have recently bought a house which requires a lot of work and modernisation. To add to that he doesn't see his extended family much, maybe once a year if they all gather at his grans house for Christmas, they don't socialise outwith this so I don't get the problem. I'm sure if he explained we had to keep the wedding small and intimate because of financial reasons they would have to understand.

I just can't see why we keep having this argument, for me it's the marriage that's important whereas it seems my partner is more concerned with the actual wedding!

Any thoughts? Has anyone experienced anything similar?

OP posts:
Trisolaris · 04/01/2022 15:18

How about the wedding and meal afterwards as you wanted and then compromise by throwing a party to celebrate with extended family and friends?

Doesn’t have to be expensive, hire a village hall, barn or a pub and have a buffet and drinks. Don’t ever mention the word wedding in the booking and it will be much cheaper! You can wear your dress again for them.

2TurtleDovesInARow · 04/01/2022 15:19

How does he propose you fund this party for all the people he rarely sees?

Have you discussed a compromise - e.g. intimate registration office ceremony and then a cheap do at a village hall/pub?

We had a small ceremony (8 of us!) then went for thai food. 5 years on and I don't regret it one bit!

buckingmad · 04/01/2022 15:23

So we had the most perfect small (25 guests) covid wedding last year. We had planned the big one mainly due to family pressure on my family’s side. Then I got pregnant and our priorities changed so we wanted to get married asap. A lot of my extended family were offended even though it was literally against the law at the time to invite them all. It showed me who was actually worth caring about.

So in a nutshell plan the day that you both want without contemplating other people. It’s your wedding.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2022 15:25

If you have a big wedding you'll probably regret all the money it cost you a few years down the line.

Invite the people that matter.

QforCucumber · 04/01/2022 15:28

Have you asked why he wants them there? Can he give a reason except for them being offended?

MatildaTheCat · 04/01/2022 15:30

I recently attended a very small wedding comprising of only very close family and friends. It was arranged at a months notice and yet was completely beautiful and tasteful.

It was so completely refreshing after the weddings of my generation: dozens of guests, some of whom you’d literally never met, a whole ton of faffing and detailing. Yes we had a great day but I really am all in favour of the small event now.

Tell him it’s the smart way to do things now and then have a great party perhaps in the summer.

mumda · 04/01/2022 15:50

I don't understand why people spend a fortune on a wedding when there are so many better things to spend it on.

If you can't compromise though you should perhaps not be getting married.

MerryChristmas21 · 04/01/2022 15:54

Ask him if being married to you is more/less important than a party for his extended family he never sees? His choice.

Winniemarysarah · 04/01/2022 15:55

@mumda

I don't understand why people spend a fortune on a wedding when there are so many better things to spend it on.

If you can't compromise though you should perhaps not be getting married.

I agree. From the sounds of things op you’re not particularly bothered about getting married at all. So I think it’s already a pretty huge compromise on your part that there’s going to be a wedding at all. I really wouldn’t be concerned with offending relatives that you barely see once a year. And it’s a bit alarming that your oh is placing the opinions of his distant relatives above yours
LethargicActress · 04/01/2022 15:59

Tell him you’re open to his idea, and he should make a list of all the people he’d like to invite, count them up, and then look at the prices of venues that will accommodate that many people so you can think about whether you can afford it.

Put the responsibility on him. I’m going to guess that if all the researching, organising and paying for a big wedding falls to him, it will start to look less appealing all by itself.

AlternativePerspective · 04/01/2022 16:02

I remember saying at the beginning of the pandemic that this would be the ideal time to have a wedding, small, cheap, and where you could disinvite the terminally offended with impunity. Grin

TBH this is a difficult one. There was literally an opposite post on here recently from an OP who was upset that her DH doesn’t really care how the wedding goes, just wants to be told where it is and he’ll show up, because the actual wedding isn’t important to him. An awful lot of posters criticised him and told her not to marry him.

For me I agree that the marriage is the important bit, and the rest is just a party. But if you both think differently from each other then you need to reach a compromise somewhere in the middle or perhaps think about whether this relationship is right for you.

billy1966 · 04/01/2022 16:03

@MerryChristmas21

Ask him if being married to you is more/less important than a party for his extended family he never sees? His choice.
This.

I would be very concerned at you marrying someone who is more concerned by people he sees once a year at most.

Is he very dogmatic generally?

Perhaps slow down.

Do the house up first.
Then plan a wedding.

If it doesn't work out, you can sell the house quickly for a profit.

Don't marry in haste.

RiversOfFish · 04/01/2022 16:04

We invited people because we wanted them there, not because they would have been offended to not be invited.

Those who weren't invited got over it. We kept it small because we were paying for it, I hadn't met half of Dh's extended family due to geography and it was already costing enough money. We had parents, siblings and some close friends. Spent more on the honeymoon than the wedding.

What is the worst that could happen if you don't invite his extended family? Would you really care? Tell him it is either a small wedding or no wedding. At the end of the day it is the start to a marriage. A wedding to us was just formalising our relationship.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 04/01/2022 16:04

Could you have biggish but cheap as a compromise? Buffet in a hall type thing perhaps?

LittleOwl153 · 04/01/2022 16:08

Set a budget. Something that is not going to cause you issues with the house - but is large enough for a decent do. Both see what you can achieve within that budget. See whee that discussion takes you.

Blossom64265 · 04/01/2022 16:08

Weddings can be very important for families. They are that time where extended families gather and reconnect. I don’t believe couples should endanger their finances to provide this though. The very first thing you need to sit down and discuss is budget. What can you realistically afford without incurring debt. Then you can talk numbers. There will be trade offs here. It might be you could swing the extended family for a cake and punch reception in the church hall. If having his family there is really important to him, then those compromises may be worth it.

I don’t think parents need to pay for weddings, but if this pressure is coming from his family and they want to use your wedding as an excuse to host a family reunion, then they can foot the bill.

Isonthecase · 04/01/2022 16:16

Does he know how much it costs to do a big wedding? Helps narrow down the list when you're thinking £100 a head...

maxelly · 04/01/2022 16:23

MN is hugely against large/expensive weddings so you're only going to get one answer here, but TBH I do sort of get where he's coming from in that in some cultures/families weddings are always an treasured opportunity for a large family and friends get together, so the MN classic of 'get married down the registry office in jeans with witnesses off the street' (which is of course perfectly fine if that's what you both want) definitely would be viewed as a bit odd. But the key difference to me is that these families either have a custom that parents/older generation front up the costs so it isn't left to the young couple who may be struggling to afford a house etc to foot a huge bill and/or the wedding may be large in terms of numbers but is kept relatively cheap by e.g. the venue being a community centre or a marquee if someone has a large enough garden, no alcohol, food is a buffet or guests bring a dish to share etc. If your partner's family isn't willing to contribute to the large wedding they (apparently) see as necessary, and he/they aren't up for a cheaper wedding then I don't really see what your option is here.

That being said, if you are genuinely perfectly happy to not get married and are confident you are financially secure etc without getting married, I would shrug your shoulders and leave the ball in his court to sort. Are you sure he really really wants to get married or does he just think that's what he should want? I ask because my DH will sometimes throw these kind of unreasonable objections to major life plans (e.g. only the expensive version of something 'will do' but we can't afford the expensive version ergo we'll do nothing), saying he wants the plan to happen and throwing responsibility for finding a solution onto me when really he's afraid of change and/or doesn't really want the thing in the first place... maybe rather than going in as hard as some PPs are saying (it's my kind of wedding or no wedding, do you want to marry me or wot') a gentler conversation about why he really feels this unaffordable mega wedding is the only way and does he really want to wait the 50 years or something it'll take you to save for it, does he want to sacrifice holidays and days out and such to put towards a wedding or does he want to explore cheaper options or a smaller wedding or just shelve the whole getting married plan entirely?

The other thing you can do if you do actually want to be married, on a practical note is just have a bare minimum legal ceremony with no family present at all (just witnesses), don't tell anyone and have a 'wedding' later down the line with the big party and some kind of commitment ceremony when it's more affordable. No-one needs to know that's not your 'real' wedding, I'm sure people will say it's dishonest but lots of people separate out the legal part from the ceremony/party part for religious or practical reasons and it then gives you a much more flexibility in who can conduct the ceremony, where it can be held etc...

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/01/2022 16:27

Can he start obtaining a few quotes- perhaps when he sees the costs on paper he will change his mind. I’m with you, I’ve seen people waste thousands on a day and the marriage be a struggle. I’d rather a cheap wedding and an amazing holiday honeymoon

Dixiechickonhols · 04/01/2022 16:28

Agree covid perfect excuse for small and simple. No one can be offended. Vague reference to maybe having a party at a later date if you must.
Other option is cheap - church or community hall etc and jacobs join buffet.

Holly60 · 04/01/2022 16:33

As a PP points out, I also sort of see where your DH is coming from. I have a large extended family, who I don’t see an awful lot but who I do love and feel a connection to. I also have amazing memories of family weddings and other parties where the whole family have gotten together and had a brilliant time. In our family we do definitely use weddings as an excuse to all get together, and it’s a way of touching base, and welcoming new members to the family.

I don’t see these family members an awful lot but it gives me a sense of belonging that I know that I could count on any one of them if I ever needed them, and I would hate to loose touch completely.

Having said that, I also see where you are coming from so I think compromise is going by to be the name of the game.

ButtonSister · 04/01/2022 16:35

A) most of the relatives will secretly be relieved they don't have to turn up for another wedding, avoiding expenditure and wasted time
B) even if they are offended that's a feeling for them to deal with, not you and your partner
So long as you don't play favourites (eg inviting all your siblings but none of his) that have no valid cause for complaint

Crazycrazylady · 04/01/2022 16:38

I think you should suggest that you do it your way first and then next year you can have a bigger do as long as he arranges it.
I think you'll find the bigger event might never happen if a man has to organize and pay for everything!

Totalwasteofpaper · 04/01/2022 21:23

Do it your way 25-35 people registry office and maybeeal etc and have a bbq/party at your house the next day with the extended family.

SockFluffInTheBath · 04/01/2022 21:29

You two sharing your vows does not mean a hundred not quite strangers are magically entitled to a free bar and dinner.

Our wedding was us, our parents and BIL in the register office then dinner in a nice pub, and a party in the garden for family and friends the next day. My dad was an arsehole, 90% of his family are arseholes, and he declared that they WOULD be coming to the wedding and we couldn’t stop them. I reminded him at that point that DH, BIL and FIL are all 6’5 built like brick outhouses and we wouldn’t need bouncers to keep him and his scroungey family out.