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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be mildly peeved?

24 replies

MistressoftheDarkSide · 04/01/2022 13:37

Actually possibly more than mildly?

My adult - late 20s - DS and his girlfriend live in our house as lodgers (have kicked independently then come back so not childhood home, and my DP only came on the scene when DS was an adult) but we run along and do family Christmas etc, and live as adult house sharers but with the family bond IYSWIM.

Anyway, they tend to keep themselves to themselves mostly, we all work various jobs / shifts and catch up in the kitchen etc so no pressure on either side to be in each others pockets.

However, DDILs birthday is coming up shortly so I just rang DS to see what the plan is, to be informed that they are going away to her parents two days before the birthday for a week - they are leaving on Friday. Which is not a problem at all, in fact she's hardly seen them over the pandemic due to parental vulnerability, and I'm really glad they are going, it'll do her the world of good.

My AIBU is that this was told to my DP who had the retention capacity of a fecking goldfish, which my DS well knows, and of course wasn't passed on to me, for which my DS has apologised. I may have been a bit snarky in my "good humoured" and surprised response, but it's not the first time this sort of thing has happened and for some reason it's just made me feel a bit sort of irrelevant....

Don't get me wrong, they are adults and I have no wish to control, influence or interfere in their lives, but as adults all living together, I think it only polite to inform when people will be away for an extended period, especially as they have animals which will become my responsibility- again not an issue but I like to factor things into my routine.

I probably am BU but for some reason I just feel I'm always the last to know.....

It's fine, I'll give my head a wobble. It's probably hormones anyway.

Meh.

OP posts:

LordEmsworth · 04/01/2022 13:40

They did inform "people" that they would be away, they told your DP.

But I wouldn't be assuming responsibility for animals without the courtesy of a request.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2022 13:42

You're blowing this way out of proportion.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2022 13:43

Whoa, I take that back. I just saw the animal part. Nope, not ok. They can make arrangements for their animals.

HabitsDieHard · 04/01/2022 13:45

I would also be peeved, especially if I was expected to take on pet care, that nobody bothered to mention it. Def not unreasonable

ChequerBoard · 04/01/2022 13:48

Unless there's some reason it's massively inconvenient for them to go away at this particular time, I couldn't be bothered with getting upset about it.

And if you are 'peeved' it should be with the DP who didn't pass on the information, not with the DS/DiL.

Waspsarearseholes · 04/01/2022 13:48

Are you annoyed with your son or your partner, who didn't bother to pass it on to you?

Original poster

MistressoftheDarkSide · 04/01/2022 13:51

I don't mind looking after the animals as they are part of the household, and yes, my DP was informed in passing and neglected to tell me, which is also rankling and will be mentioned later. My DS knows my DP is forgetful.

I guess I'm just feeling a bit sad really, I'm not a fussy person by any means, but like I say in our set up I think it's only polite I'm copied in not just left to find things out as an afterthought when it will affect my routine etc.

And I accept I'm hormonal and suffering from a sense of invisible middle aged woman syndrome in general, which is obviously my own problem..... pity I'm at work or I'd crack out the vodka and wallow

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 04/01/2022 13:58

I think you need to unpick who you're actually annoyed with.
Is it DP for being forgetful,
DS for telling DP, knowing he's forgetful,
DS for not telling you,
or yourself for being pissed off with life in general.

Original poster

MistressoftheDarkSide · 04/01/2022 13:58

I think I'm annoyed with my Ds and my DP tbh, and I think its partly the fact that I spend alot of time keeping people informed of stuff because useful / polite, but it's not reciprocated. Dare I say it feels like a "man thing" without getting flamed lol?

My DS was a bit upset when I didn't tell him his Step Grandmother had come out if hospital after a two week stay. I told him she had gone in, updated him regularly, suggested Grandad might appreciate a call etc etc, and he didn't really engage, so by the time she was discharged I just didn't mention it, then he was all oh it would have been nice to know, and I kind of wanted to say if you were that interested you could have spoken to Grandad.....

Sorry, just whinging here really.

OP posts:

Skeumorph · 04/01/2022 14:01

Oh dear! You have a lot of plans and no time to rearrange. Looks like your DP has agreed to a lot of animal care!

namechange30455 · 04/01/2022 14:01

Could you not have some kind of shared calendar (either electronic or paper on the wall in the kitchen) so that you can record things like this?

I think this is your DP's fault tbh - your DS probably assumed he would have told you. But if you get cross if the three other adults in the house don't communicate what the plans are then it probably makes sense to have some sort of system like a calendar that makes it easier for them to do so!

Original poster

MistressoftheDarkSide · 04/01/2022 14:04

Yes a bit pissed off with life in general, it's complicated - as most people's lives are - guess I'm just feeling a bit lonely and left out..... think I'm reverting to stroppy teenager
Definitely bloody hormones.
Had ovaries and tubes removed (post menopausal) about two weeks before Christmas and I can't have HRT due to cancer risk, my insomnia and night sweats are back off the scale and yeah, it is all becoming about the little things.....

So thanks for all the views, appreciate them all and know I'm being a bit U. Only a bit mind

OP posts:

Original poster

MistressoftheDarkSide · 04/01/2022 14:05

Calendar sounds like a good idea, but guaranteed I'd be the only one filling it in lol

OP posts:

5128gap · 04/01/2022 14:11

If its about the animals then I get why you'd be annoyed. But its not, it's about not being kept in the loop about what your DS is up to. You might frame it as adults living together as a house share, but its hard to shake the mother/son thing, and you feel as his mum you should be told what he's up to. Might not be reasonable, but its perfectly natural. I'd feel the same. Probably best not to complain to him about it though, as he's done nothing wrong really.

5128gap · 04/01/2022 14:18

Plus, remember you are living the dream for a lot of people with DDIL and DP, and all getting on well enough to house share. You must be lovely people to make this work. This is minor in the scheme of what you've got there.

Original poster

MistressoftheDarkSide · 04/01/2022 14:19

No DS hasn't done anything wrong really, so I'm not going to make an issue of it, nor will I berate DP ....... I'm really not handling being in my 50s terribly well

OP posts:

Original poster

MistressoftheDarkSide · 04/01/2022 14:21

Aww thanks @5128gap - yes, you're right, we are very lucky in so many ways- I shall hold that thought close and thank you you've actually helped alot x

OP posts:

MrsGarethSouthgate · 04/01/2022 14:21

Family WhatsApp group for communication of important messages 📢

GetOffTheTableMabel · 04/01/2022 14:53

@MistressoftheDarkSide

No DS hasn't done anything wrong really, so I'm not going to make an issue of it, nor will I berate DP ....... I'm really not handling being in my 50s terribly well

I think that’s right but I also think that YANBU to be a bit peeved. It’s not like you’re spitting feathers about this and, for you all to continue to live together harmoniously, I think it’s worth saying something like “I’m sorry if I seemed snarky earlier. I’m definitely feeling more sensitive than usual since my operation and it made me feel like a bit of an afterthought to be out of the loop”. I’m 51 and sometimes I feel so sensitive that it’s as though the top layer of skin is missing and I am on HRT. I find it helps to say when I am feeling out of sorts like this. It can’t be wrong for your family to be told what’s going on in your life - especially if you want them to tell you what’s going on in theirs.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 04/01/2022 15:40

I think it only polite to inform when people will be away for an extended period, especially as they have animals which will become my responsibility- again not an issue but I like to factor things into my routine.

YANBU, as YOU will be the one taking care of their pets, DS should have told YOU directly.

No harm in telling him this as he is massively taking you for granted.

Do they pay proper rent or just nominal?

NumberTheory · 04/01/2022 16:00

Yes, I see that your reaction might be a bit more than is warranted. And yes, I can see that your operation and the hormones might be making you more sensitive.

But also - you’ve recently had an operation and your son and DiL are ditching their animals to your care without any kind of check in that it’s okay with you and just a passing mention to your DP.

And your DP is blithely going about his life without letting information go in one ear and out the other without any consideration for the logistics and practicalities of running a complex household.

So I think it’s good that you don’t intend berating your DP and making an issue out of this one incident with your DS. But it sounds like this isn’t the first time you’ve found yourself out of the loop and I think that may be because none of them are really aware of the furious paddling you’re doing to make the household sail along like a graceful swan. You have a right to be more than mildly peeved at this. Rather than getting annoyed over a particular incident you probably need to take some time to write down all the things you’re doing that no one else is then call a family meeting to discuss it and then make yourself pull back from doing it all.

NumberTheory · 04/01/2022 16:02

about his life without letting information

ChateauMargaux · 04/01/2022 16:10

Your DS should have told you.... not your DP. YANBU!

billy1966 · 04/01/2022 16:18

@errnerrcallnernnernnern

YANBU, as YOU will be the one taking care of their pets, DS should have told YOU directly.

No harm in telling him this as he is massively taking you for granted.

Do they pay proper rent or just nominal?

This.

As a woman well into my 50's I think the feeling of being taken for granted can happen when you are considerate of those around you.

I too can feel a bit irritated at times at being taken for granted.

I find a period of not being arsed is most effective.

Your partner being an airhead is tedious.
Start being an airhead yourself regarding him.

Are you kitchen co ordinator in the family?
If so, step back.

I call it zero tolerance in this house.

My friends also adopt it.

Just not being as thoughful/accommodating/helpful.

Mirroring back their behaviour.

Works a treat and gives me a nice mini holiday.

Try it!

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