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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my baby doesn't like me because there's something wrong with me?

24 replies

amiwrong2021 · 04/01/2022 08:16

As above really

I have a 14 month old baby boy. He's always preferred his dad,m to me, always settled better for him, always took his milk and good from him more than me.

Was told it was a phase and that he would have times he prefers his mum but I am still waiting

I love him so much and it makes me ache when he screaming at night for his dad, I feel like there's something wrong with me, that I've done something wrong but I don't know what

We always wanted more than one child and I'm dreading this happening again, I am so happy with the bond my son and his dad have, its wonderful to see but I can't stop being jealous and upset that he seems to want nothing to do with me. It's making me not want to have another baby

I am back full time at work now and feel I've missed my chance and the bond will not grow

Aibu to think that it's too late to build a bond at this age?

OP posts:

DropYourSword · 04/01/2022 08:22

It’s absolutely not to late to build a bond - I think that’s something that continues to grow between parent and child for years.
I wonder if you have any problems with anxiety and whether your son is picking up on that. I think young children probably prefer to be around someone who exudes more confidence in an “I got this” kind of way, rather than someone who is a little more unsure of things. Kids absolutely rely on us for everything so need us to feel like we know what we’re doing (even if most of the time we’re bloody winging it!).
Is there any particular reason you think your son wouldn’t like you?

SilverPeacock · 04/01/2022 08:29

OP I'm sorry you are feeling like this. Being a new mum is very hard and it is quite common to feel that you are doing something 'wrong'. I am sure you are not. All your son needs is your love and care and this is what he is getting. But I think perhaps you should seek some real life support with how you are feeling as you sound as if it is getting on top of you.

yoyo1234 · 04/01/2022 08:30

Very similar aged DC here. I think sometimes they want what they cannot have. When DH leaves for work my youngest gets a set of keys and mask and tries to leave as well! I WFH after a good maternity leave and I think he is just after what he doesn't have at the time (eg if I am holding him he wants his Dad and sometimes vice versa).

SilverPeacock · 04/01/2022 08:31

Real life support like HV or GP if you feel able. Is you HV any good?

SmallElephant · 04/01/2022 08:38

When my DD was tiny, DH was working very long hours and hardly saw her. I was worried about them not forming a bond. Then when she was toddler she absolutely adored him and I felt quite excluded! Now she's 14yo and she has a great relationship with both of us. I feel so lucky as I think 14 can be a tricky age for girls but it's all good here (so far!). The bond grows and changes over a period of many years, you definitely haven't missed your chance.

Tal45 · 04/01/2022 08:42

My ds and I were close as anything when he was young. Now as a teenager I'm his 'smother' and it's all about his techy dad. It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong, you just can't take kids personally - they're fickle as anything!

Sosososotired · 04/01/2022 09:14

Relationships with children definitely change over time. I also don't think that the closeness that your ds and dh share is any reflection on you. We have always had the reverse in my house and it has been tough at times for my dh but he has a great relationship with both kids despite working long hours. Just continue being present emotionally and your bond with your son will develop.

lavidaesuncarnival · 04/01/2022 09:25

Oh OP, I think it's so common as mums that we always blame ourselves for anything. It absolutely will not be your fault at all - that's just the kind of thought pattern that I think as new mums we always fall into because we're being hard on ourselves
It is never too late to build a bond. Just spend as much time as possible with your son, play with him, try to not take his preference for his Dad personally... he'll change a lot through the toddler years anyway so maybe that will be more 'your' time with him.

TempName01 · 04/01/2022 09:45

My first DC was all for her dad for the first few years, she would even say she didn’t love me! But now she says she loves me all the time and i get lots of cuddles. Like PP have said it will change over time so please don’t be too down about it even though it can be really hurtful at the time.

Stompythedinosaur · 04/01/2022 09:56

I remember feeling like this when dd1 was a baby. With hindsight I think I might have had pnd. Is there any chance that might be the case for you? I just struggled through, but I wish now I had got some help.

In case it helps, my dd1 is 10 now and we have a wonderful relationship.

SarahAndQuack · 04/01/2022 09:57

Something I clung to when my DD was in this phase (it is a phase!) was an observation from a friend: babies often take you for granted. Is he crying out for his dad because he prefers his dad, or is it that he's aware you are always there and he takes for granted you always will be?

It's not flattering! But at 14 months they have no conception of that. They just know they feel secure and loved with you.

I will say, I spent some long periods feeling miserable when DD seemed to much prefer DP (which, interestingly, coincided with me being the main carer and DD wailing as DP left for work ... go figure ...). But now we've seen her switch her preferences so many times we don't worry about it so much, and I think this is really common. Talking to DP about how much it hurts was useful too - she was really surprised I felt hurt as she had been feeling really fed up DD always cried for her and had interpreted it as DD 'playing up' for her!

Original poster

amiwrong2021 · 04/01/2022 11:48

Thank you all so much for your kind words

I think it's just hard with everything seemingly saying 'baby feels safest with mum' and 'mummy's boys' and things like that baby prefers mum to do things for them not dad etc, it's hard not to think it's my fault when the whole world of motherhood seems to have it one way and I can't get that.

I did get prescribed medication after the birth as I was over whelmed then too so maybe I will speak with the GP again to see if this needs altering

Again thank you all so much for your kind words

OP posts:

User112 · 04/01/2022 11:53

I have 3 kids. DS1 was an only child for 7yrs until our twins came along. He always wanted daddy.

With our twins, DS2 prefers me/dad depending on his mood. DD always wants daddy.

Still can’t figure out why. Kids spend most time with me. I do all the work for them, yet daddy is the best. Perhaps because he does more fun stuff with them and I just do the “work” 🤦‍♀️

Bananarama21 · 04/01/2022 11:55

My ds2 was like this with his dad he was clingy with me but would cry for his dad. We made a point of dh taking him up to bed and reading him a story took a while but he soon settled and he now loves his dad to bits. He will get there

ChristmasWithBellsOn · 04/01/2022 11:56

Kids are fickle, is it possible that you're focusing on the times DS wants DH, rather than the times he wants you because you have a heightened awareness of the idea that he prefers DH to you?

I know there are days when DD is 'all about daddy' and as much as I know she loves me, it still smarts.

RiversOfFish · 04/01/2022 11:58

I am a sahm so had this fear with the children wanting me all the time. To ensure that they also spent time with Dh I was just unavailable so would be out of the room or out of the house.

Dh was hands on from day 1, changing and winding but as the main care giver I was the default one they ran to if hurt or if they needed picking up. However, as time went on they would turn more to Dh, run past me to get to him.

I think don't let on you are disappointed when they choose the other parent. Just be available if they want you. They do swing back and forth between parents.

I picked the children up from school every day and if Dh could make it he would come with me and it was like royalty had descended. But it was also lovely. Your child is very little, and I agree with sarah about you being the default one that they take for granted.

I have 2 sons, they are mid-late teens now and have a great relationship with both of us individually as well as a family.

dippyduck1 · 04/01/2022 12:46

There is nothing wrong with you! My daughter was the same, screamed the house down whenever DH left for work. She is 26 now and still very much a 'Daddy's girl' - they enjoy the same food, music etc. but we are really close as well.

Original poster

amiwrong2021 · 04/01/2022 13:10

Thank you again everyone.

I'm not sure who said it but I think you're right and I need to focus on time together rather than on the times he wants his daddy

He's not been sleeping very well at the moment so if he wakes up I can usually get him back to sleep but as soon as he sees his dad (he is still in our room in his cot) he just screams and shouts until he can be with him. I've taken to sending my partner down stairs to sleep on the sofa on some nights because I feel it's not fair for him to have to deal with the wake ups every night. He does sleep pretty well mostly but these phases of bad sleep are rough and I think it's only fair to try and give his dad a break sometimes

I'll keep plodding on and hopefully as he gets older and can communicate more things will change a bit

OP posts:

Namechange285 · 19/11/2022 18:32

Hello OP, just wondering how things are now? Did things change at all and how are you feeling? My DD is exactly the same and I'm feeling quite down about it today.

Original poster

amiwrong2021 · 22/11/2022 10:33

@Namechange285 things have changed so so much!! I spoke with my GP who recommended I start taking my anti-depressant / anti-anxiety medication which has helped me see that it was nothing I was doing wrong he's just a baby who wants to be close with his daddy.

Everyone told me he would start being a mummy's boy which did not happen but that is ok, he's happy, he does come for cuddles and kisses and now he's communicating more it's easier for everyone which has also helped me.

Still a daddy's boy through and through which I do appreciate when he decides he doesn't want to go to bed and dad has to deal with it not me 🤣

OP posts:

Namechange285 · 22/11/2022 10:40

Hi @amiwrong2021 Thanks so much for replying. So nice to hear that you're feeling much more positive and what you say definitely resonates with me. I know deep down that even though my DD is a Daddy's girl, she does love me and that it's just my own anxiety that's the problem. Thank you for the reassurance, it's nice to hear from someone else who has had the same experience

Original poster

amiwrong2021 · 22/11/2022 10:45

@Namechange285 my DP has been trying to get my son to say I love you to him for months and months and he said it to me first! I know he doesn't really understand what it means but it's nice I have that at least!

It's hard when people are telling you it's a phase and it'll change because I think that made me feel worse when it didn't change!! Your DD does love you, you'll see more and more as she grows as she shows this

My DS always snuggles his dad when tired and runs to him at pick up and wants him to put him to bed but I notice if he hurts himself or is upset or even just needs his nappy changed he always comes to me first. It's just little things like that and I cherish it everytime now!

All I can say is it will be ok, I can't tell you how but it will 🥰🥰

OP posts:

billy1966 · 22/11/2022 10:51

As my husband would come through the door my babies would start flailing like they were scalded.🙄

He took to coming in quietly through the front of the house to get changed to avoid them for 5 minutes!

My husband is the house softy and I am the fixer when the shit hits the fan🤷🏻‍♀️.

I can understand the upset but it sounds like you are a great mother with a very secure little boy.

Mind yourself and definitely check in with your GP.

Jetsil · 22/11/2022 11:00

OP it is a phase. My dd only wanted dh, pushed me away, wiped my kisses off her cheek and refused cuddles!!! When she hit about 3 or 4 it all changed and now she always wants kisses and cuddles haha

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