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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I deal with this??

18 replies

Tobeornottobe13 · 03/01/2022 23:33

Hi.. I am posting here for traffic.
I have put in a day of crying in bed, and at the minute the world feels like it has ended.
I am 34F. Met someone at work.. worked closely with him for a year. Last 4 months he works elsewhere but we have remained close friends.
We meet up and hang out a lot. Tell each other everything etc.
Anyway.. you can tell where this is going. Silly me started to fall for him, big style. We went out together on NYE, and as usual continued the party at home with more drinks. He then confessed he has feelings for another friend of his and has basically hinted at me dogging to see if she feels the same.
My heart is just on the floor. I should have known not to hope as I am quite overweight and know I wouldn't be his type due to this.
Any advice??

OP posts:
Original poster
Tobeornottobe13 · 03/01/2022 23:34

Sorry.. me digging not dogging

OP posts:
Original poster
Tobeornottobe13 · 03/01/2022 23:39

I feel so stupid for thinking that he was hanging around so much because maybe he felt the same. Also feel stupid for lying here feeling physical pain because what I knew deep down has turned out to be true.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tobeornottobe13 · 03/01/2022 23:39

Anyone out there?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 03/01/2022 23:42

Ah I'm sorry op. A bruised heart is never fun.

Try not to keep thinking about him. He wasn't the one for youFlowers Would you actively like to date ? Meet men?

DartmoorChef · 03/01/2022 23:42

Oh god I thought he had asked for a threesome with the dogging comment. Sorry...

Seriously though its a crap feeling but if he's a good enough bloke to stay friends with then maybe in time your feelings will pass.

I used to be madly in love with someone who was a mate. Nothing ever happened even though he knew how I felt , this was 15 years ago and we are still very close mates now. And I'm so glad nothing happened because he's a bloody nightmare in a relationship. I've known him to have 3 girlfriends in the last 10 years and he's a control freak who always has to be right . As a mate he's fantastic.

Throckmorton · 03/01/2022 23:42

If its any help he doesn't sound like much of a catch if he's hung around just to get you to match him with a friend, and if he can't actually just ask her out himself. Sorry he's put you through that

SituationCritical · 03/01/2022 23:43

Ah, that's an awful feeling, I'm really sorry. I think the best thing to do is take a break from this intense friendship. It's only going to make you miserable. I would hide his messages and unfollow on any social media Flowers

ArblemarzipanTFruitcake · 03/01/2022 23:48

You need to put him out of your mind.

Don't have any more contact with him than what's essential at work.

Every time - and I mean, every time you find yourself thinking about him, make yourself 'change the subject'.

It seems impossible now but at some point in the future you will look back and wonder what on earth it was you saw in him.

Original poster
Tobeornottobe13 · 03/01/2022 23:48

Thanks everyone. I don't want to lose his friendship I suppose, but I have met the other girl through him and the end result will be me having to watch this take off.
He hasn't hung round to get me to help his relationship with the other girl.. he talks to her every day too. He just, it seems sees us in different ways Sad

OP posts:
Kittykelly123 · 03/01/2022 23:49

You poor thing - it’s never nice being in that situation. If it makes you feel better we have all been there (liking someone who does not feel the same back) it is shitty but it is also part of life. Please try not to make it about you and your perceived shortcomings- it is not about you personally, it’s just about attraction. I have been very attracted to ugly men and also not been remotely attracted to very good looking ones. I was chased by a gorgeous man but felt no attraction to him - he was so nice too. I was dumped by a guy all my friends thought was extremely ugly - heartbroken by him. Attraction is a funny thing. So don’t feel bad about feeling bad - we all go through it and you will come out the other side. If you are bothered about your weight, sort it out for yourself and not because you think men will like it. You sound like a wonderful, caring woman so please be kind to yourself

Original poster
Tobeornottobe13 · 03/01/2022 23:49

Who knew emotions could cause physical pain

OP posts:
Purpleraspberry · 03/01/2022 23:52

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so low about what happened, that sounds really crap Flowers .

I would stay well out of it regarding this woman he is interested in, just say you'd prefer not to get involved as you feel awkward, and basically he should do his own digging or asking out. That takes care of that part, however obviously the worst part of it all is how you were falling for him and that must hurt a lot Flowers. You have had a huge emotional disappointment and it will take time to heal. Be good to yourself, do anything which makes you feel better when something crap happens. It won't heal it, but might help take ur mind off it. Keep yourself busy with distractions, and most important of all, put some distance between you and him, for the moment anyway. It will only hurt more being around him.

All the best! Hope you feel better about it soon.

Purpleraspberry · 03/01/2022 23:55

*I meant put distance where possible

DartmoorChef · 03/01/2022 23:55

See if he's got any single mates, you never know, every cloud has a silver lining etc..

Original poster
Tobeornottobe13 · 04/01/2022 00:06

I feel so pathetic because the thoughts of putting distance makes me miss him already. My heart is just broken

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 04/01/2022 00:11

Would you have a go at online dating? Or just socialising more with other friends?

You're clearly a very good friend.

And sound as though you would make a really lovely partner if that's what you'd like.

Not to be boring or cliche but there really are plenty more fish in the sea.Smile🐟

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/01/2022 00:29

I got friend zoned.... and I was glad in the end.

He turned out to be a complete player. Great mate to have a laugh and a drink with but wow, I would not be his girllfriend for all the money in the world.

Ironically, I reckon I could have him now if I wanted as he has played a bit too much and he would struggle to get laid in a brothel. But he knows I dont want him.

The hurt can be physical, I remember when my marriage ended and the pain shocked me as I had never hurt like that before.

But it passes my love, it really does. And your size is of no importance. A good man, a man who is the one that will be with you through all of the lifes ups and downs, who will truly love you, wont care what size you are! He will care about how your eyes crinkle when you smile, how you are beautiful even when you have a horrible snotty cold, how you pretend not to fart when you are in his house.....all the silly and lovely things.

I was a size 22 when I met my BF and he couldnt (cant) get enough of me! You sound so lovely, I have no doubt that you will soon find a man who truly deserves such a wonderful woman.

Purpleraspberry · 04/01/2022 00:51

@Tobeornottobe13

I feel so pathetic because the thoughts of putting distance makes me miss him already. My heart is just broken
It isn't pathetic, it is perfectly natural to feel this way.

You have to decide what is going to hurt the most in days to come: you seeing him all the time only as a friend, and have him talk about any relationship he has to you, or... even although the thought of distance hurts like hell, reduce contact with him even for a short while, and then decide if distance and time has eased your heartbreak at all.

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