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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up on this friendship?

20 replies

letitgogone · 03/01/2022 20:08

Been friends for 15 years and I thought we always would be. Sadly she has had a terrible time as her lovely dh was diagnosed with bowel cancer around 7 years ago. He had a lot of treatment and spent a lot of time in hospital over the years. During this time I looked after their 2 dc a lot whilst friend was busy with him, and I and also saw a lot of my friend and thought we were extremely close and would have done anything for her, her dh and dc.
Sadly her dh died a year ago. Since then I have barely seen her. I’ve tried to meet up loads and she is never available, always doing something else and offers no alternatives. I’ve called by her house unannounced quite a few times and felt awkward, I’ve rung many times for chat and felt awkward too. My friend never contacts me and tbh now I feel a bit stupid and that I probably need to back off as it’s obvious she doesn’t want our friendship anymore. But then I feel guilty for not doing more after everything she’s been through.

OP posts:

carlygirly · 03/01/2022 20:34

Yes, I think given all you've tried, you do let it go, but leave the door open. It sounds like you've been a great friend to her but it's run its course for the moment.

Potentially it's painful at the moment for her to associate you with a former chapter of her life. Maybe she's absorbing herself with things as part of the grieving process. It's very sad.

I have a vaguely similar situation and understand it's tough when there's no real closure.

FortunesFave · 03/01/2022 20:36

I think you should kindly tell her. She may be depressed....and unable to reciprocate friendship.

Just tell her "I've loved being your friend but notice you're not so keen anymore....last thing I want to do is give you more stress, so it's best if we part ways do you think?"

Leave it in her court then. She'll either agree, ignore or say "NO! I've been busy/upset/depressed"

MoreAloneTime · 03/01/2022 20:40

I think I agree with leaving the door open and waiting and seeing what happens. As far as you know is she socialising with anyone at the moment? Maybe she doesn't feel able to do much right now.

TheMooch · 03/01/2022 20:44

Just leave the door open for her. You may remind her of the most awful time of her life. A year is nothing in grief.

I'd let her know you are there for her, then step aside.

SituationCritical · 03/01/2022 20:44

I would imagine she is struggling. I have depression and anxiety and can barely cope with seeing anyone face to face. It's nothing to do with the person in question, it's about me not being able to cope. If my lovely next door neighbours are outside I can't stand to go out, even to put something in the bin or go to my car. I avoid social media and texts. I say I'm busy when I'm actually hiding. You've done your best

tootyfruitypickle · 03/01/2022 20:47

I agree don't take it personally and just give her space, be there when she wants to come back. I've done this to someone in the past and it was just that my head was a mess. She got upset and we lost our friendship sadly - but recently she got back in touch so we were able to talk about it and have some closure .

Sometimes you just need to leave friendships to breathe I think .

TheSparkling · 03/01/2022 20:51

Just tell her "I've loved being your friend but notice you're not so keen anymore....last thing I want to do is give you more stress, so it's best if we part ways do you think?"

Do NOT do this. I think at this stage it would be so difficult for her to make this decision and its not fair to ask her. Grief is wild and scary and changes you. I would advise you give her space and keep checking in but perhaps leave a few weeks or a month between messaging her. She may come back and want your friendship or she may really find it too hard because of the associations with her loss.

I know I have lost friendships since my DH died and some of them were because of the painful connections. I am three years in and only getting to a place where I can re visit these now.

Honeyroar · 03/01/2022 20:52

A year is nothing in the grief of losing her husband. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. Back right off for a few months and see what happens.

FortunesFave · 03/01/2022 20:53

@TheSparkling

Just tell her "I've loved being your friend but notice you're not so keen anymore....last thing I want to do is give you more stress, so it's best if we part ways do you think?"

I know I have lost friendships since my DH died and some of them were because of the painful connections. I am three years in and only getting to a place where I can re visit these now.

I've also been through terrible loss and everyone's different. If she is struggling to reciprocate friendship at the moment, she may also worry about it and feel guilt. This isn't a terrible idea at all...it's a way to start the conversation without forcing her in a single direction.

FortySeven · 03/01/2022 20:58

Just tell her "I've loved being your friend but notice you're not so keen anymore....last thing I want to do is give you more stress, so it's best if we part ways do you think?"

I also disagree with this - that sort of unnecessary drama would be stressful for her on top of everything. As others have said, just give her space but keep the door open (perhaps check in at birthdays, Christmases etc, so that she has an easy opportunity to re-engage when she’s ready). It must be sad for you too, but people do sometimes just need space after a massive bereavement.

JustMaggie · 03/01/2022 20:59

Give her time and space. When she's ready she'll get back in touch with you. And if you're both still up for the friendship it will start up again.

billy1966 · 03/01/2022 21:02

OP,

There is every reason to imagine that this woman is in the pit of grief.

I think you sound like you were a great friend but she has no space for friendship at the moment.

I think you could send her a card, tell her that you wish her well and that you are a phone call away if she ever needs you.

Then leave her.
Give her the space she wants.

No two people grieve exactly the same way.

Annabelll · 03/01/2022 21:03

My Dad died a few months ago and I am still so far from being myself and am really struggling socially. I can’t imagine what it must be like to lose a partner.

It may have been a year but that is still early grief. Give her more time.

Original poster

letitgogone · 04/01/2022 08:18

Thanks for helping me get my head around this. I’ve been torn between feeling so bad for not being there for my friend and worrying that I’m pestering her too much.
She is still seeing other people which I’m pleased about but can’t help wondering if there’s something wrong with me.
I’m going to back off for a while and see what happens.

OP posts:

FrancescaContini · 04/01/2022 08:20

She’s grieving. Please don’t judge her. It may take her a very very long time to feel able to see people again. Please cut her some slack.

phishy · 04/01/2022 08:24

YANBU, if she’s seeing other people then it’s perfectly ok to take step back now. And it’s been a year.

You’ve supported her a lot, you were a good friend.

Don’t become her childcare when she needs it.

billy1966 · 04/01/2022 08:56

Through your kindness to her she may associate you with all the awfulness of his illness.

Perhaps these other people are are someone she doesn't associate with her late partner.

I would certainly step back.

Move on with your own life and leave her to her grief, which appears to be what she wants now.

UpsideDownToast · 04/01/2022 09:41

@FortunesFave

I think you should kindly tell her. She may be depressed....and unable to reciprocate friendship.

Just tell her "I've loved being your friend but notice you're not so keen anymore....last thing I want to do is give you more stress, so it's best if we part ways do you think?"

Leave it in her court then. She'll either agree, ignore or say "NO! I've been busy/upset/depressed"

Sorry but this is pretty terrible advice.

The woman has lost her husband - she doesn't need this sort of thing.
Message her regularly (perhaps once a month) telling her your thinking of her and if she wants to meet up, you're there for her and then back off a bit.

Loads of calls, messages, random unannounced visits - that sounds incredibly stressful regardless of the death of a spouse.

Duvetflower · 04/01/2022 10:08

I've had similar happen (though not such a close friend) and it is a strange feeling not knowing whether to pursue the friendship or not and trying not to be hurt cos it doesn't seem fair to her....

The thing I noticed was that the people she was spending time with were 'easier' for her to hang around with. They all had a very similar lifestyle and life experience, whereas, although we got on well, we are very different and it possibly takes more effort to have that kind of friendship and she just didn't have the energy for it?

KittyCoo · 07/04/2022 18:52

I know this is an old post, but do you have an update, OP? I’m in a very similar situation myself

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