Tips on being frugal when you are friends with spendthrifts?

[coodawoodashooda]

Just that. We often hang out with friends who can easily stop and buy everyone a drink or eat out for dinner. I really struggle with this. I could afford the expensive drinks or whatever but would rather not. I am a single mum and every penny really does count. Any tips on how to wriggle out of this type of thing without looking mean?

This is all about anticipation. Meet up somewhere you can afford and preferably fixed price. Then say in advance that it should be fun and you are planning to bring a picnic.

Personally I am bad at organisation so end up having to buy my DC the expensive drinks cartons from the visitor cafe rather than bring the same cartons with me. I wouldn’t judge anyone better organised but equally I would be annoyed if someone objected to me going to the cafe at all.

What do you want to wriggle out of? Actually going for drinks or meals with them? Or paying them back/ taking turns?

One of my closest friends earns very little and budgets very tightly. I love being able to treat her to things that might normally be out of her budget occasionally. I also make sure to plan things that cost nothing.

Are they close friends? Could you explain how you're feeling to them?

I've learnt to be honest 'I don't have the money'. I always suggest drinks at mine or I'll cook dinner rather than go out for a meal. Honesty is the best policy.

I think you have to be honest about your budget with your friends. I'm in a position where I can buy what I want but not all my friends are. If I order something expensive I expect to pay for it and don't expect them too because I know what their budget is. If you aren't honest they will expect you can afford it

Just be honest with them and say "sorry, that's out of budget for me". If they are real friends, they'll completely understand. And if they don't... they're not friends of yours.

It's like going to an ice cream shop and their kids ask for and get a double scoop of ice cream and my kids then want that. Or their kids also get a toy and an ice cream. It doesn't sound much but it's all those small purchases that change the afternoon from being a few quid to twenty or thirty.

I’d say just be honest. In my friendship group we’ve got a mixture of different financial positions so it’s completely normal for one of us to say ‘can we do something free/cheap this time’ or whatever. That person often changes depending on who is on mat leave/about to go on a holiday/saving for a house or whatever. It’s fine and healthy to have honest conversations about money.

If they're friends they'll understand if you tell them. Surely? My friends would.

If you can't have that conversation why are you hanging out with them and pretending ? They can't be that nice

Okay, it sounds more like an issue with your kids wanting what their kids get. That's very different, and unfortunately, I think you have to take it on the chin with your kids. Say no.. or say 'we can get ice-cream today, or we can get a toy, not both.' You don't have to keep up with your friends or match what they do.

Just because they are able/choose to use their disposable income in a different way to you, OP, does not make them 'spendthrifts'.

Always plan to go out after lunch, usually at 2ish and make sure you have a big lunch at home. Take drinks and water with you.

Just say. I will come with you for a drink but you are watching the pennies so you will eat before you meet

Planning and honesty needed here, both with your friends and your DC!

Invite them to supper in the last few days of the month. If they have been spendthrift, they will love that they can have a whole evening out for the supermarket price of a bottle of wine or a Waitrose dessert when their bank balances are looking a bit thin.

You can do your turn as host by making a big 'one-pot' chilli with garlic bread and salad to feed them all.

Cost effective for everyone, good for their overdrafts and allows you to feel comfortable while it being your turn to host.

Your dc have to learn that different people have different budgets. In the ice cream example I'd say firm no you are not getting a double cone. In my world (and I'm not hard up) it's often " flake or sprinkles not both". I try and steer dc towards a cheaper option and refuse to get expensive double cones dips flakes sundaes etc except as a special treat. I don't care what their friends get and am not raising ingrates who if they whine about the ice cream not being big enough I've honestly stood there and asked them to rethink. They know the next option is "nothing" and they thank me for what they get.

Don't get me wrong, they can be bratty about it but I'm standing firm as I'm not a fan of over sugaring my already hyper 8yo.

With dinner again be firm. No I can't afford that is acceptable. Do not accept hand outs and treats from them. You don't want to be the scrounger who goes if someone else pays.

Also just choose your friends carefully. I cant work out from your post if you are mean (I assume not if you genuinely can't afford dc treats) or if your friends are insensitive by overspending around you. I cut my cloth so if my friends are having a budget treat then I go along with a friends budget. E.g. We went to alton towers and queued even though dh and I would have rather sprung for a fast pass for everyone but my friend wouldn't have liked that.

Also the buying of pointless extra toys all the time is not good just don't do it. Your children won't be grateful. Be more confident in your own parenting choices. Don't buy your kids toys as entertainment even if your friends do. TBH if this is a regular thing I'd be steering then to cheaper days out where there isn't a gift shop.

Yup, be honest with the friends and firm with the kids. I used to lunch with a group of work colleages, working lunch which we were allowed to take at various pubs or cafes because we managed at different and far apart bases and it cut travel for all of us. All of us at one time or another were broke and sticking to a drink and making it last or whatever and we were used to just being honest.

@christmaswrappingglitter

Okay, it sounds more like an issue with your kids wanting what their kids get. That's very different, and unfortunately, I think you have to take it on the chin with your kids. Say no.. or say 'we can get ice-cream today, or we can get a toy, not both.' You don't have to keep up with your friends or match what they do.

No my kids absolutely definitely don't. I just feel like a rude party pooper.

You just need to get over it in that case. Or only have friends with roughly similar spending habits to you.

I'm going to sound a bit harsh here but you need to be the adult. It's not being a party proper to do things you can't afford. It's being an adult.

I’d be honest with your friends. Talk to them before meeting up. I’ve been both the poorer and the wealthier friend. Some of my friends have treated me to a meal from time to time, or I’ve been able to say ‘I’m a bit skint so can we go for coffee rather than lunch’. I’ve also bought a round of ice creams for friends kids when my friends are on a budget.

I think you need to talk to your friends and explain your situation outside of the event. I am lucky that my outgoings are lower than my income (no children/ dependants) and I am probably guilty of forgetting not everybody can afford to eat out or have treats every time we do something. I wouldn’t think a friend was tight or mean if they told me they couldn’t afford something and indeed I have had friends ask if we can be sure to go somewhere affordable when planning trips out. I’ve also sometimes said I wanted to go to the more expensive place but then paid the difference or treated the friend.

@ZenNudist

Your dc have to learn that different people have different budgets. In the ice cream example I'd say firm no you are not getting a double cone. In my world (and I'm not hard up) it's often " flake or sprinkles not both". I try and steer dc towards a cheaper option and refuse to get expensive double cones dips flakes sundaes etc except as a special treat. I don't care what their friends get and am not raising ingrates who if they whine about the ice cream not being big enough I've honestly stood there and asked them to rethink. They know the next option is "nothing" and they thank me for what they get.

Don't get me wrong, they can be bratty about it but I'm standing firm as I'm not a fan of over sugaring my already hyper 8yo.

With dinner again be firm. No I can't afford that is acceptable. Do not accept hand outs and treats from them. You don't want to be the scrounger who goes if someone else pays.

Also just choose your friends carefully. I cant work out from your post if you are mean (I assume not if you genuinely can't afford dc treats) or if your friends are insensitive by overspending around you. I cut my cloth so if my friends are having a budget treat then I go along with a friends budget. E.g. We went to alton towers and queued even though dh and I would have rather sprung for a fast pass for everyone but my friend wouldn't have liked that.

Also the buying of pointless extra toys all the time is not good just don't do it. Your children won't be grateful. Be more confident in your own parenting choices. Don't buy your kids toys as entertainment even if your friends do. TBH if this is a regular thing I'd be steering then to cheaper days out where there isn't a gift shop.

I'm not mean. Im not that long divorced from a nasty man and am just getting back on my feet financially. I also get hardly any child maintenance, i know anything is better than nothing but still. Last week we met friends for drinks and a few hot chocolates and ice cream cost £40. We wont starve, go without or end up in debt because of that £40 but it caught me off guard. I could get almost a whole weekly shop for that.

@PersonaNonGarter

This is all about anticipation. Meet up somewhere you can afford and preferably fixed price. Then say in advance that it should be fun and you are planning to bring a picnic.

Personally I am bad at organisation so end up having to buy my DC the expensive drinks cartons from the visitor cafe rather than bring the same cartons with me. I wouldn’t judge anyone better organised but equally I would be annoyed if someone objected to me going to the cafe at all.

I think that is basically it.