Dh appearance

[Misshoney88]

Hi

Its so vain and shallow to be bothered so much by someone's appearance when there is more to a person. However, as a human being its hard not to be.

My dh has massively let himself go over the years.

He doesn't take care of himself at all. He has piled on weight but he for some reason doesn't see it. Whenever the topic comes up he tells me how he is still slim and can't believe in all these years he has maintained his sae weight. The thing is he has put on a few stone. He is wearing clothes that are far to small and its embarrassing. His tops come up to show his middle and he looks 8 months pregnant because of it. His trousers hang low as he can't pull them up. I'm not awful I get he can't help it in some ways but he goes on about how easy it is to stay slim and how people are lazy etc. I'm baffled. If he acknowledged this and was working on it fair enough but to be completely blind to such an increase is worrying as his health is also affected. He eats alot but is oblivious to this too. He does eat junk but its the huge portions of seemingly healthy food. He tells me he eats better than me (which is probably true in terms of protein etc) but thinks nothing of eating 3 people's meals in one sitting. He always finishes the childrens dinner left overs and it makes me feel awful to see it. My children are fussy eaters so more often than not leave a large portion of their dinner so its not the odd bit its a whole extra meal. He will then finish off the pan of dinner while tidying up. Again if there was acknowledgement then fine but he goes on about healthy eating like he knows it all and then does this.

Its not just his weight. He never shaves and cuts his hair himself. Its not even styled.

His clothes as not in fashion. He used to be quite fashionable but now he wears old tatty clothes.

He has less showers than is ideal.

I hate to write this down but him on top (sex) is awful as i have a tiny frame.

I gained weight with having the children so im not immune and unsympathetic. However, I acknowledged it, worked on losing it, which was hard, and I still do my hair, be clean and take pride in how I look.

He sits there in his tatty clothes unshaven, eating, farting, burping and picking his nose and wonders why I don't want sex. I told him these things turn me off but he gets defensive and says I'm horrible to say such.

I do care for him but my patience is wearing thin. I'm falling out of love with him. Not because of the weight gain as im not that shallow but because of all the rest combined.

Hes not depressed so its not that.

He can't see it.

What can I do. I want to try to salvage my marriage but I can't live with someone who takes so little effort and care. If that makes me awful then so be it.

He sits there in his tatty clothes unshaven, eating, farting, burping and picking his nose and wonders why I don't want sex.

Sounds like my ex. Mine also drank too much and smoked rollies, so stank of stale cigs and beer too.

He did some reading up though and announced to me that he thought I was peri menopausal and that's why I didn't want sex.

Yes, it was all my fault 😂

The arrogance of (some men) is staggering. How could anyone have the nerve to continually gloat about maintaining an ideal image against walking, breathing evidence to the contrary!

Hi OP. You're not awful. On the contrary, you clearly care a lot - you care that he's let himself go not just for your sake but for his. He's not attending to basic hygiene, he's putting his health at risk by gaining and maintaining that excess weight and if you've noticed it then others will have too. The fact that you want to salvage your marriage also shows how much you care.

I actually had a conversation with my DH this morning about this issue and I almost posted on AIBU beforehand to garner opinion. In the end though it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks if they're not the one living in the situation.

Unfortunately, we both seem on a hiding to nothing: Your DH is in denial about how he actually is & my DH knows but doesn't care. He is, thankfully, attentive to his hygiene and has nice clothes but because he's significantly overweight and in denial about his size, he always seems to be spilling out from them somewhere (think flash of bum crack when he's sitting down, belly peeking out from under the shirt etc). He's been like this for the last 6 years and actually said to me last year that it simply doesn't bother him enough to do anything about it. However, it bothers me a great deal. I have tried being supportive and he makes all the right noises about working out and eating well but he is the king of excuses and procrastinators. Maybe I am shallow but, as you say, having a fat man on top of you during sex is not sexy. Nor is the heavy, fast breathing when you're watching tv/reading and don't get me started on the helping himself to extra platefuls of food; like your DH he would take leftovers from the DC's plates when they were little, now he just helps himself to whatever is still left on the stove or in the serving dishes and eats so quickly that nobody else gets a look in. I have told him today that if he doesn't make positive changes in the next month then I can't get past it and we will separate.

It might not bother him but it bothers me and I am struggling to find him attractive. As PP have said, sex, attraction and intimacy are important in a marriage. If that's disappeared because one partner isn't valuing themselves or their partner enough to take care of themselves, and you no longer find them attractive as a result, do you really still have a marriage? Obviously marriage can change over time but the critical issue is whether both parties agree or are comfortable with the changes.

I remember that feeling with my ex. I looked across at him one day with his stomach hanging over his baggy boxer shorts and thought “Is this as good as it gets now? Where did the man who made an effort go?” I realised I didn’t fancy him as much any more and, had we not split up for other reasons, suspect I’d have got the Full On Ick.

Bottom line was that this was how he wanted it to be, he’d pretty much admitted it. He took the view that he’d put in the effort at the beginning - smart clothes, nice restaurants, keeping in shape etc - but now he’d got a long term partner he didn’t have to try any more. He could just relax, flop onto to sofa in front of the telly with a four-pack and some crisps, and take me for granted. I didn’t expect him to bring me a cup of tea in white tie, but just knowing that he didn’t see me as worth continuing effort because he’d “got me”, like he’d paid his dues and was now reaping the reward, was deeply off-putting.

He had to buck his ideas up when he was back on the dating circuit but I’ve seen some photos of him more recently now he’s in another long term relationship and, well, not much changes…

It's the ICK.

I didn’t expect him to bring me a cup of tea in white tie

I do this all the time, just a white tie.

Loads of women stop being attracted to their partners for this reason, and the men can never understand it - lack of sex can't possibly be anything they're doing wrong, like poor hygiene, excessive weight gain, revolting habits - why would that be a turnoff?!

I ended a relationship for similar reasons except he knew he was fat but blamed being told to clear his plate as a child yeah but you're in your 40s now and haven't lived at home for 20 years. Sweat dripping in your eyes when having sexy isn't sexy neither is worrying you'll wake up next to their corpse because they have sleep apnoea.My exH wasn't fat but had horrendous hygiene, constantly picking his nose and adjusting his genitalia )not even over his trousers but skin to skin 🤮) had horrendous breath and couldn't understand why I didn't want sexy with him. Even now he complains I bullied him and affected his self esteem by mentioning it.
You're not alone in this OP, lots of us on here have experienced the same, you have standards and he doesn't share them. I'd be out of there and trying to mitigate the bad role model he's playing to the dc

*sex not sexy.

What will happen is that you will divorce him, he'll end up on online dating, and be mystified as to why no women contact him on there. Or go on one date. There's getting a bit older and keeping yourself clean/as nice as you can, and completely letting yourself go. Some of the men on online dating clearly depend on their wives to get them to cut their hair/wash their clothes and it all goes to pot once they get left...

Oh, I could have written this. Being fat is not even the issue, 'my cooking' being blamed for it (no, not the full tubs of ice creams eaten at 9 pm, the snack, etc...).

OP, it gets worse... health issues will creep up, BP, diabetes etc. Mine even makes comments about fat women. I just look at him....
I'm really reaching a point but we recently moved house, I'm a forinn woman with a part-time job, I'm struggling with having to raise my kids on my own.

Caring about appearance is not vanity - vanity is putting your own external appearance above others needs, no matter what the cost.

What you are describing is a difference in values in which the outcome is seen through the appearance.

There are two mismatches here:

1. Between what you value and what he values.

1. The second mismatch is that he doesn't see the difference between what he thinks and what is reality.

That is more worrying and this is where you need to start. He won't change unless he see's its necessary to change.

We had a few plans for pub over Xmas. Told dh straight I hoped he was getting a hair and beard trim or I wasn't going. He would have a full body wax if it upped my sex drive!!

@Aquamarine1029

Fucking hell, he's repulsive. I'd be having a very Frank discussion about everything, while letting him clearly know his lack of self-care isn't working for you. He either shapes up or you're shipping out.

WHY WHY WHY - it that people always jump to 'leave him' 'kick him out' etc etc etc. Maybe sit down and talk to him and try all you can to resolve the issues and then as a last resort, decide if you want to stay in the relationship.

It's very hard to go back once you've got the ick.

It's only a small thing but it sounds like there is too much food available at meal times if he eats his, some of the kids' and what is left in the pan.

But yes i can see why you have gone off him

I wouldn't be dealing with any of that.
Sit him down for a frank discussion and lay you're cards out to him ,but be warned once the ick sets in there really is no going back from it.

I'm afraid if dh was trying to gaslight me like this I'd just be like " what on earth are you talking about - you're clearly several stone heavier than you were when we met!" And laugh heartily like he's making a joke.

You not calling him out on it is probably adding to him deluding himself that he's still slim! So be honest I say!

I also don't think there's anything wrong with admitting you don't fancy your partner anymore if they let themselves go. I wouldn't fancy dh if he put on loads of weight and I wouldn't expect him to still fancy me as much if I got fat and started not showering often or wearing ratty clothes. Some people may not like that and say it's shallow but it's just being honest I'm afraid 🤷‍♀️

My ex went from 75 kg to 105kg whist we were together. In all honesty I used to get scared he would have a heart attack and die during sex ( I worked in a hotel where this happened). I know for a fact he would have dumped me if I’d even gained a couple of pounds so it hurt that he didn’t care about my feelings. We spilt for other reasons and he is larger than ever. I worry that my kids will ended up without a dad. Or a disabled dad which he already partly is as he can barely breathe when he walks.

WHY WHY WHY - it that people always jump to 'leave him' 'kick him out' etc etc etc. Maybe sit down and talk to him and try all you can to resolve the issues and then as a last resort, decide if you want to stay in the relationship.

Because OP has tried talking to him and it's got her nowhere. As far as he's concerned, there are no issues because he's still the Adonis she married.

Yes, you try everything you can. But it takes two. OP can't solve this on her own, short of stopping being bothered by it and going back to finding him sexy and attractive, weight gain, poor hygiene and all. And that's a very low bar.

Have you scales? It is a good time of year to say "let's weigh ourselves and start a healthy eating plan, and take before and after photos".

Surely a photo AND a weight check will get through to him

@madisonbridges

Do you still love him? Or are you noticing this as you fall out of love with him? I guess what I'm asking is, is there any point to him losing the weight from a relationship point of view or are you done and this is just an extra irritation?

This is a really good question.

What a beastly situation. His habits sound vulgar and he doesn't actually respect you because he clearly has little to zero self-respect.

Have a chat with him, OP. Are you in love with this man? Is he who you envisage living out your last days with? Would you realistically be able to reignite the 'flame' of attraction if he lost weight and looked after himself better?

Sounds grim to be honest, it's one thing to put on weight (sounds like he is in denial), but it's another to not shower much and be generally unhygienic. I'd find this really hard to live with, disgusting. At a push he might be struggling with depression or something which can often lead to a lack of self care, if that's the case it sounds like you'd be hugely supportive in supporting him through therapy or whatever else would help. As is, it depends what you're willing to put up with really.

Personally I could cope with the weight gain (lockdown affected so many people in that way) but I couldn’t cope with his overall lack of self awareness? If he has put on “a few stone” as you say, his clothes will be super tight….how can someone just pretend not to notice that? That’s denial at its finest and a big no from me. I also in no way could cope with a lack of hygiene or the fact that he doesn’t want to make an effort to look nice for me. I would feel taken for granted. I think you do need to have a kindly worded, but clear conversation with him. To be fair though if I had to tell my adult, fully functioning DH that he needed to shower every day, it would be a big passion killer!