How much do you share with your partner?

[Ste23321]

……and AIBU for wanting to talk about things? DH is very closed off and is getting worse over time. Been married 12+ years now but I cannot talk about anything. Today for example I saw on the news about the man who was abducted as a child (4 years old) and reunited with his family after 33 years, I just said that’s sad and poor parents living so long without him, his response was “well I don’t like to think about these things”. This is just an example, he never wants to talk about anything “negative” it’s not like I was an emotional mess! I literally just said how sad it must have been all these years. He could have responded with just a yes or something. Or no if he didn’t agree but I always feel so dismissed by him.

Can anyone give me tips on how not to get frustrated with him. I feel I can never discuss anything, not even anything to do with family stuff if it’s slightly uncomfortable for him! I’ve let so many things slide as I don’t want to upset him. Any insights please?

Have a look at the Gottman institute talking about “bids” for connection. You’re making bids and he’s actively turning away. Sadly that is the biggest predictor of a relationship that won’t last. He needs to be aware that without “turning towards” most of your bids for attention he is jeopardising the relationship.

sounds like he might be struggling a lot in his own head to not be able to cope with any sad/ negative thoughts?

Not discussing the news is one thing, but I'm assuming you also struggle to talk to him about your own feelings? I think it must be really hard long term to stay in a relationship where you don't feel heard.

Could you write him a latter telling him how closed out you feel? Would he consider couples therapy?

Just looked at bids and it’s amazing. I’m reading through the articles now abs I can do relate.

To PP that asked is it everyday life things too - yes it literally everything. Feelings don’t get discussed. I’ve stopped trying most times. We’ve done marriage councelling snd it was pointless. I agreed with everything she said but he didn’t follow through e.g. she said he could show kind gestures like ask about my day etc.

I asked him today does he even know what class our DD is in school, abs he didn’t but also thought she was in a different year! I know I’m going off topic but how can you not even know these things about your own child. He will never ask how anyone is,

Apologies for typos.

Sounds a bit like my one. He busies himself with his own stuff, and bothers with very little beyond the surface.

Sadly, the only way out of it was when DD said something to him about her teacher one day, and he replied saying it was because he was a maths teacher. DD said, no he's actually a PE teacher, I've not been in the other teachers class for months.
We started calling him out on things that he hadn't listened to or didn't know when he really should.
It felt quite awful at the time, but it did embarass him into taking a bit more of an interest in our family and our conversations.

In regards to getting him to talk more, I've told him that I never envisioned having a partner who was so closed off I couldn't explore the things that go on around the world- bloody love discussing news events! He has said he finds a lot of things that I find interesting weird (I do like true crime stuff- so fair point!) But he now tries to be involved sometimes.
I'll sometimes still have to pull him up.

A few days ago he was shutting himself away, I said I wanted to talk to him about baby stuff I need to purchase and ivd found a good price. He looked up from his phone, said to me, I'm going to bed in a few, and went to walk away. Obviously I pointed out how rude he was being.

Dunno what's wrong with them ! I hope it improves for you soon

I assume he won't discuss anything at all ? Sorry I couldn't live with someone like that.

If your partner won't connect with you about anything ( even a news item for heavens sake !) you must wonder what your relationship means to him. You mention that he never wants to talk about anything negative , but he doesn't even know what year your DD is in ! That is going a lot further than "no negative talk", that's going into the realm of him checking out of the family relationship all together . I'd be wondering what the point is of being together at all.

Can anyone give me tips on how not to get frustrated with him

Your question makes me think that you feel somehow that it's up to you to tolerate this nonsense . It isn't. You've been to marriage counselling and he didn't follow though ....he still shows no interest in you or your family.....he is showing his true colours here. He isn't just avoiding negative things, he is avoiding everything . I'd be packing his bags for him , see how he feels about that !

He can’t have always been like this , I mean the relationship got serious enough to get to the stage of marriage, which I can’t see happening unless you have feel and meaningful conversations.
Has something happened ? That is really shutting you down , not even wanting to join in a conversation .

deep not feel