OP,
I think most people will vote YANBU but if you need someone to talk to you about it… I’m a disabled spouse living with two people who help me (my husband and my best friend). For a while, my husband was gone on business and my best friend had to take over and after he came home, she couldn’t talk to me for a while. I was quite angry about it. After all, I was the sick one, right?!? Wrong. Yes, I was ill while my husband was gone, and yes, I needed her help, but I didn’t act like a “good” sick person. I would do things like “refuse” to take my medications because I wanted to sleep instead (it’s very important that I take my medications on a schedule or I’ll end up in the hospital) and she’d feel an overwhelming stress all the time not only that she’d have to do things like check I’d taken my medications but then also be a “mean nurse” (that she never wanted to be) to force me to take them when I didn’t want to. It really traumatized her and damaged our friendship. We’re just now coming back from it and we now actually have house rules. One of them is that I take my medications, on time and I ask if I need help.
But a second house rule is that I take my anti-depressant. I started seeing a therapist because I was sleeping through medications that I need to keep me alive. I was sleeping until lunch even on the days that WERE a bit okay, when I should have taken advantage of feeling a wee bit better. I’d had counseling and CBT, but the fact is that my life is never going to go back to the way that it was so I’m going to need an anti-depressant to help me deal with that forever. And that’s okay. It sounds like maybe your husband is the same, as he’s still acting depressed? But depression is NOT an excuse; for treating people badly, or for not seeking help. Yes, it can make things more difficult, but you cannot just say you have depression and then give up on life. (That said, I know help doesn’t work for everyone especially those with major depression, and sometimes the depression is overwhelming and knocks people into bed all day even when they’re trying, and that’s okay. The main rules are just: don’t be an arsehole, apologize if you are, and try.)
If your husband doesn’t want to take an antidepressant, I’ve often seen tricyclic antidepressants that work for nerve pain and depression are prescribed, because then it’s not “just” to treat the depression but something to help with a “physical” symptom (though I’ve seen depression cause very real physical symptoms) and some people are less resistant about looking at it that way.
But right now, you’re frustrated he’s not trying harder. Now is the time to talk about how to fix this, because otherwise, it will soon be less frustration and straight resentment. Use “I” statements. I know it’s so hard not to focus on a lot of “you” things that are true - “You stay in bed until noon,” “you refuse to sort out anything,” “you won’t go to the gym even though I sorted that for you.” But try to instead go with - “I love you,” “I’m still young and I want a life with you,” “I believe in you and I know you can do this,” “I will go to the ___ with you until you’re established” (GP for antidepressant? Gym to start a routine after work? I don’t know).
So yes, he does need to try harder. No, it’s not acceptable that he’s given up. But he may just need one more push?
BUT as someone who is disabled and married, I mentioned my house rules. I live by those rules. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t expect everything to just be copacetic. If you lay everything out, and put your feelings and your thoughts and your life together on the line, and he still doesn’t change at all, then disabled or not, it’s just like any other marriage. You have the right to try counseling, and if that doesn’t work, you have the right to leave. Of course you love your husband, just like my husband loves me, and it sounds like you’re doing everything you can, but you can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Good luck, OP. Please PM if you need to.