Mum guilt - scared toddler hates me

[Scaredhehatesme]

I have a 20 month old and it has been the hardest two years of my life. I had severe postnatal depression (enhanced by my bipolar disorder) and I wasn’t myself for a long time. I loved my baby so much and I experienced psychosis where I thought I was a harm to him and it really ruined my bonding process because I was so scared to be around him. I’ve never told anyone this apart from my therapist.

I had CBT which helped me get past these feelings and my toddler is happy and healthy.

I’ve always had one consistent in my life: work helps me, it helps me keep a hold on who I am and it gives me some stability.

But I’m scared that it makes me a bad mum. That I shouldn’t be working and that I should be a SAHM.

We were having a lovely afternoon today playing and making music, he was giggling and happy and kept coming up to sit next to me.

But he’s gone to my sisters for the night because I was in A&E last night as I have a chronic illness and am flaring, and when I picked him up to give him a kiss he rejected me but went to his dad.

When he left I just started sobbing and I can’t help but think I’m a terrible mum.

I know I provide for him and make sure he has everything he needs, but I am scared that he hates me.

I’m tired from last night and I haven’t taken my medication yet so I’m extra sensitive but it really hurt. I’m scared I’ve ruined any bond with him, especially ever since he moved into his own room and no longer sleeps beside me.

I guess I just need a handhold. Sorry this is a jumbled post. So much has happened and I don’t really know how to explain it all.

I love him until my heart hurts and beyond, but I’m scared he doesn’t love me back.

Aww OP toddlers are so fickle, they will often reject one parent for the other depending on what mood they’re in. Please don’t take it personally. It would be obvious to anyone reading this how much you love your DS and what a fantastic mum you are to have worked so hard at getting better for him. I think you are amazing and as your DS gets older your DS will learn to show you that he thinks the same. X

My toddlers have done that to me as well, don't worry!

It's a normal toddler reaction, honestly.

Please don't beat yourself up over that.

It sounds like you are doing a brilliant job in what have been tough circumstances, your child is happy and healthy, so you are not a bad mum. Many mothers work and it’s fine - and if it helps your MH then it’s in your child’s interests that you do.

I wouldn’t take any notice of this little episode. Toddlers often get slightly unsettled if there’s a separation they aren’t expecting, and they can also just be fickle - their favourites change all the time.

Don’t take any notice, keep taking care of yourself so you can take care of your toddler.

Normal for a toddler, be kind to yourself and have a rest.

This is normal. I have a two year old and his dad is number one at the moment as I've just had his baby sister. Im pretty sure he hates me at the moment but in all seriousness; it does sting.

Remember, for your husband, with great power comes great responsibility for playing with said toddler. Also, when you are number one the only way is down... you'll be favourite again soon. Promise.

My toddler did this to me ALL THE TIME.

She is 14 now and we are very close. I know it hurts, especially if you feel that you have somehow fallen short as a parent - that guilt and regret makes a toddler's fickle affections feel even more difficult. But honestly, this is a stage and it will pass. You are doing amazing, you've had such a lot of challenges with the psychosis and chronic illness, and you've kept going and are doing the best you can. If that's not a great mum I don't know what is.

My daughter does this and I didn't have postnatal depression and had no problems with bonding etc. Please be reassured it is absolutely normal, your son isn't scared of you and doesn't hate you

Babies are fickle things, much smaller scale but DS pushed his bottle away in disgust then screamed for his bottle 🤷‍♀️ he was just being a bit off. He's spent all day laughing with you and enjoying your company, he loves you. Immensely. And you're a fantastic mum to even be worrying about something like that

Totally normal, but still totally shitty! I was a SAHM for years, and one of my kids just randomly chose daddy as her best friend in the whole world, despite (or maybe because of!) spending every single waking second with me 😒

Don't worry, your toddler doesn't hate you xx

Don't beat yourself up OP. This is a really normal reaction from a toddler. I know the feeling of mum guilt surrounding work all to well - I enjoy my job, which I do part time. I feel guilty like I should work more, but then when I do, I feel guilty that I'm not with my toddler. Ultimately where ever she is when I'm working (either nursery or with grandparents) she has a great time so I shouldn't worry, but I always will. It's what mums do!

You're doing a great job OP x

As a single forces person who had to hand over my toddler several times for exercises etc, my daughter used to reject me when I came home. Would last 2-3days and it broke me everytime. Its a normal reaction from a child IME. Please don't beat yourself up.

MN needs an edit function..... My parents always had her when I went away.

Honestly, all toddlers do this. Some days my 23 month ds wants me and sometimes he just wants my DH or my DM. All depends what mood he's in. Also going to work doesn't make you a bad mum. I work full time but still have an amazing bond with my DS.

Toddlers ard arseholes!! And then they are the sweetest little things in the world. I do completely understand where you are coming from though, my 3 yr old DS frequently tells me how much he loves his daddy and his little brother, and that he doesn't like me.

I've been in floods of tears over this, but I know its just a phase (and hormones, his little brother is only 12 days old!)

Toddlers are fickle. It's not you.

My DS was similar when he was about 20 months. I remember picking him up after going away for the weekend and he ran straight past me into his dad's arms. It's normal but I remember being heartbroken at the time. He's 2 now and the daddy phase seems to be over. Sometimes he wants me. Sometimes he wants daddy. I'm fairly confident that if you asked him who is favourite person is he would say grandad. Or maybe Bing.

Toddlers are fickle. Your son loves you.

Fairly common behaviour for toddlers. Little monkeys can be brutal. DS1’s favourite phrase for a while was “can you go away please” when either me or his dad walked into a room.