Friendship troubles

7 replies

Sandy8765 · 02/01/2022 16:29

I have an issue with a friend ive known a year and a half
On lots of levels shes a good friend we message all the time, she has given me a lot of stuff for my cat, but its always me who organises everything and she always says yes and we have a great time but ive been to her house twice last year and shes organised 2 things

She never says when are you free or are you free this weekend, she always has her diary full up so if i say are you free this weekend she says no..

We fell out recently as she said we would go away for a week but she went with her other friend...

I feel she has her life and her friends who she sees and im just a bonus as i make all the plans and she doesnt have to make an effort

I dont want another row but its got beyond a joke..i also dont want to lose the friendship

OP posts:

Shiningpath · 02/01/2022 16:33

It’s a difficult one. You want the friendship to be one thing and she seems to see it as something else. You can’t make her be a closer friend than she is prepared to be.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2022 16:37

Do you have many other friends?

It sounds like she does, so needs to juggle a bit more.

What's the story with the week away? How did it come about that she went with someone else?

Original poster

Sandy8765 · 02/01/2022 16:53

We had been talking for months about going away and she had it booked for months but didnt tell me...the thing that annoys me the most is that she texts all the time and i feel we are just text friends

OP posts:

dustofneptune · 02/01/2022 17:41

A few different things could be happening to be honest. It's hard to know unless you can really talk to her.

What have you said to her about it before? What does she say?

To be honest, I have a "2:1 ratio" rule of thumb in any kind of relationship. Meaning, if I reach out, or suggest plans, or do the travelling to see someone, I only do it once, maximum twice, before leaving it in their court. That way, there's an even push and pull. Also, it makes it easier to tell who is compatible as a friend.

I feel like it's really important to give the other person the space to pursue the dynamic at their own pace. If you're always the one asking, then she has no space to come to you at her own speed. Her own speed might be zero. She just may not have an interest in much beyond a text-based friendship.

What stops you from leaving her to ask you to do something? For instance, if you suggested the last get together, what stops you from then letting her ask you next time? Is it because you know she won't ask?

Original poster

Sandy8765 · 02/01/2022 17:56

Yes i think it is as i think she wont ask...but thats where we are as im not organising anything anymore and i dont want a text friendship

OP posts:

dustofneptune · 04/01/2022 18:45

It's rough OP. I think you're much better off not asking her to make plans now.

It would be worth raising it with her and being open about your feelings if you do keep talking with her.

But otherwise, I would leave her to it.

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 04/01/2022 18:49

It does sound as if she is juggling other friends and other things going on in her life, which is completely fair enough.

It’s not fair enough that she led you to believe she was going to go away with you, and then went with someone else.

Do you have other friends that you can focus a bit more on?

Flip