Partner when he leaves the house

[Myannoyingpartner]

When my partner leaves the house for work etc he always wants a kiss goodbye- fair enough but a quick peck isn't enough for him and he usually keeps hold of me to get a proper kiss so I can't get away until he let's go.
If that's not enough he will often ask for a kiss goodbye then forget something so wander off for 5 mins then expect another one, then he'll put his shoes on and won't come in the house with shoes on so asks me to come to him for another one and gets the huff if I can't because I'm busy, which I am most of the time! I have 2 kids, I work from home and when he's leaving for work I am usually in the middle of trying to work or sort a kid etc.

AIBU to find this annoying!? Or am I just unaffectionate? Surely a quick kiss goodbye is what everyone else does??

Is he controlling in other ways?

I do tell him I love him daily

Surely at this point it's just a habit and loses all meaning?

Watch the film waitress. Her husband makes my skin crawl.

Have you ever tried saying no or are you afraid to?

His behaviour is weird, needy and controlling.

What is he like otherwise? Doubt this is a standalone issue.

He's marking his territory.

Tell him to fuck off. Using his physical strength to force you to do stuff? Fuck that he’d be gone. Prick.

My husband is the same and it really gets on my nerves! I have a five year old and four month baby and he always insists on a proper kiss and sometimes more than one if the first isn’t deemed satisfactory!! He also always wants hugs even though I’m stressed out of my head with things to do. However, in the big scheme of things, he’s a nice bloke so I shouldn’t really complain about him wanting a bit of affection!

@TooWicked

Actually on re-reading, he holds you there so you’ll can’t get away until he lets go.

What a prick.

A hard kick in the balls every time will stop that.

Not funny.

DP and I have a little routine a bit like this (only a bit, key difference being consent) when he leaves for work. If I couldn't do it, for any reason, that would be fine. DP cares more about me as a person, than his own want for routine, or affections and reassurance.

If he ever tried to use his physical strength to force me, or got huffy with me and tried to guilt trip me, we would be having a very serious conversation about our relationship.

@Myannoyingpartner

Yep he wants a full on snog everytime he leaves the house and i also have to say I love you before he goes, which is a perfectly normal thing I know but honestly sometimes I am busy concentrating with work and will look up and say see you later and he'll remind me I need to say it before he leaves 🙄 (that makes me sound unaffectionate, but I do tell him I love him daily, I just don't always remember to say it everytime he leaves!) He often keeps a hold of me or won't let go until he's got what he wants, I've asked him not too as I hate it but he's strong and alot bigger than me so I physically can't get away. Alot of the time it's because we are messing around e.g. having a cuddle on the bed or play fighting, but once I've had enough or need to get up as the youngest needs me or something he just won't let go until he wants to.

If you haven't learned it yet, don't playfight with men - ANY man. Don't you know that? Don't tug a friendly tiger by the tail, because one day it WILL whip round and bite you.

They are far stronger than you and can hurt you without meaning to.
If you playfight with men, you are inviting a man to manhandle you more without permission. Not everything is always on YOUR terms, even if you think it should be. Stop the wrestling and playfighting.

As for resenting a kiss when he leaves the house, that's sad.

It’s not ‘joking’ or ‘playing’ it’s coercion.

And he does it to your tiny DD too: awful.

You’re complicit in this, by doing as he requests. You don’t ‘have to’ do it. How would he react if you told him ‘no’ and to stop it?

Is he coercive in other ways, eg about sex?

‘Nice blokes’ understand consent and don’t treat women and girls like this. If he’s genuinely ‘nice’ and ‘only’ ignorant he will listen to reasonable concerns and change his behaviour.

If you playfight with men, you are inviting a man to manhandle you more without permission.

You can't invite someone to do something without permission, it's logically impossible.

Some men have sex with women without permission, that doesn't make sex with any man ever a generally bad idea. Now substitute play-fighting for sex in that argument.

He often keeps a hold of me or won't let go until he's got what he wants, I've asked him not too as I hate it but he's strong and alot bigger than me so I physically can't get away

He needs to learn that "stop", "let go", etc, mean stop, let go, NOW! Does he not see that using his physical power against you is awful? It's exactly what rapists do FFS! I also don't like how he breeches his DD's boundaries too, it's a very bad lesson for her.

Last time a man used his power to hold me down despite my protestations I went into auto fight/flight/freeze mode. Unfortunately for him I went into "fight" and accidentally scratched him really badly. Your story brings this memory flooding back. Have you ever lost your shit with him about this?

How do you not punch him in the face like every day? Reminds me of my ex. Needy fucker. He used to have to be permanently attached to me, trying to snog me whilst crossing a road. Arms around me whilst I'm trying to eat my cereal. Fucking hated it. How the hell do you put up with it! It's teaching your kids nothing about consent either that their own father doesn't respect their boundaries.

@TwoDogs9

My husband is the same and it really gets on my nerves! I have a five year old and four month baby and he always insists on a proper kiss and sometimes more than one if the first isn’t deemed satisfactory!! He also always wants hugs even though I’m stressed out of my head with things to do. However, in the big scheme of things, he’s a nice bloke so I shouldn’t really complain about him wanting a bit of affection!

Forcing kisses or whatever is not affection. It is controlling, bullying, and abusive.

Oh gosh I feel wound up just reading!
I have giggled at some of the reply's!

Could he be anxious about separation?
Other than that,yes I would agree that you could try reinstating boundaries with him and point out calmly that life doesn't revolve around him.
I also don't do drawn out affection in the mornings while getting ready to leave the house,so I can understand why you are doubting yourself, but finding his motivation for this is key.

Yuck yuck yuck. What happens if you say no?

You know you are in charge of your own body, right? Does he know that?

He sounds like a horrible bully. The thing with your dd is repellent.

What does worry me slightly about your post and that you feel restricted by this,is that I had a controlling ex who said to me "but we always kiss when one of us leaves the house"
He said this when I was telling him I wanted out of the relationship..for the hundredth time.
I wondered then, if he had got me into this habit of kissing for a reason.

I also found it a bit controlling / borderline abusive - holding you there so you can’t get free is awful.

Missed it the first time but I also agree that the bit with your Dd is horrific.

Ugh. That would do my head in.

I couldn't be with a man like this, my dp leaves for work at 2pm and I work from home. He rarely even says goodbye (my office is on top floor with my door shut)

The only time I'm ever pissed of with him is when he promises a coffee then leaves without bringing it up. But he's a good egg so I do forgive that.

Op you need to tell him to stop, you're not a dolly. I HATE being handled and touched too much. This would be my idea of hell.

He does understand he doesn’t own you and your daughter. I’d be checking he does as it appears unlikely.