Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask

23 replies

Willodwisp · 01/01/2022 21:10

Been dating a few years. We are both middle aged. He is a lovely guy but has no financial security. I didnt care as I thought I was doing ok. We planned for him to move in which would have been financially beneficial to us both. Covid has obviously messed everything up. He has stayed here since lockdown but maintains his rented place for his kids. He pays no rent or bills., as this was only meant to be temporary but it keeps getting extended for needs of his kids. He buys food but I tend to do the big shop and pay for days out because I earn more. I have tried to talk about when things will change and how he is doing financially but he tends to just brush it off with talk of how it will happen when he can. After my financial situation has become less certain I have been getting more frustrated. Today I asked to see his bank account so I can see where we are at regarding his debt and for our future. I have been completely open about my finances and wouldn't have an issue showing him my account. I have no debts. He has said he will show me his account if I insisted but feels I have no right to ask. AIBU to insist?

OP posts:
curlii103 · 01/01/2022 21:17

Nope! I think you have every right and people are only cagey if they have something to hide!

Merryoldgoat · 01/01/2022 21:20

He’s freeloading OP. Just tell him to bugger off.

Justmuddlingalong · 01/01/2022 21:23

Stop trying to discuss it. Tell him what you want/need/expect. If you are both in agreement perhaps there's hope but his behaviour would have given me the ick long before now.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 01/01/2022 21:23

I don’t think you can insist on seeing his bank statement but you can absolutely kick him out if he doesn’t pay his own way.

LittleMG · 01/01/2022 21:46

You’d be unreasonable to ask a stranger but he’s living off you, I reckon that gives you the right.

sst1234 · 01/01/2022 21:48

Why do you need to see his bank statement. Why make it complicated and about something irrelevant. He pays his way or goes. Grow a backbone.

EmpressCixi · 01/01/2022 21:49

I lost you at “pays no rent or bills”
YABU to have let that happen.
Asking to see his bank statement is irrelevant.

FiveGs · 01/01/2022 21:49

I don't think anyone has the right to see anybody else's bank statements, YABU.

That said, he needs to commit to a more permanent solution if that's what's been agreed and YANBU to ask for a solution to progress beyond an impasse.

G5000 · 01/01/2022 21:50

you're not married or engaged so I agree that he does not really need to show you his bank accounts. However, you are totally within your rights to tell him that he's been living with you without paying his way long enough, and this will now stop. Up to him to figure out how he will find the money.

HiJenny35 · 01/01/2022 21:53

Oh don't be ridiculous of course you have a right. He also has the right to say no and bugger off to his own property and stop freeloading himself and his kids off you. It's an easy chlice
If he wants to move forward with you he needs to be transparent aboyt his finances as he is clearly livi g beyond his means and using you to fill the gap. If he was covering all expenses himself then it wouldn't be an issue.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 01/01/2022 22:20

You say that you want to look at his statement 'so I can see where we are at regarding his debt and for our future'. Is he actually in debt, as if so, I would definitely be showing him the door ...... PERMANENTLY! He's already freeloading off you, if he has debt as well, then he's really not going to be an equal partner for you in any way. Also, why is he keeping on his place 'for his kids'? Does he have grown children living there? If so, they should be paying the bills there, while he goes halves with you on bills etc at your place. He really doesn't sound like a very good catch to me OP.

HollowTalk · 01/01/2022 22:45

Oh don't even bother looking at his account. It'll only make you furious if you realise he has money that he's keeping to himself. Tell him to go and live elsewhere - you're not a cashpoint for middleaged men.

LuaDipa · 01/01/2022 22:47

I wouldn’t bother looking at his account, I’d ask him to move out. He’s freeloading and trying to drag it out for as long as he can whilst maintaining his own home (with minimal bills because he’s running yours up instead) ‘for his kids’.

Why are you putting up with this? If he had any regard for you at all he would insisting on paying his fair share. He’s no good and I wouldn’t waste another minute of my time on him.

billy1966 · 01/01/2022 23:00

Oh for goodness sake OP, get a grip.

What a loser.

You are being played for an idiot and a mug.

You deserve better.Flowers

backtolifebacktoreality · 02/01/2022 00:58

I don't think you have any right to see his bank statement.

However, you have every right to ensure he pays towards living in your house.

I'd kick him out!

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/01/2022 02:25

I voted YABU because no you don’t have a right to see his account and you are daft (sorry) for allowing this to go on. He’s freeloading, get shot of him.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2022 02:57

Wake up, op. This man is playing you for a fool and you've been allowing him to. He's a Grade A cocklodger and will take advantage of you for as long as he can get away with it. Get rid.

Popsicle33 · 02/01/2022 02:59

Looks like you've got yourself a cocklodger. He's being very shifty. If he doesn't discuss it properly with you and show his statements then I'd get rid. Life is way too short to put up with shit like this.

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/01/2022 05:57

OP if he has got to middle age with no financial security AND is happy to sponge off you like this, looking at his bank account (given what he is I'd not trust he hasn't got additional funds stashed elsewhere anyway) will not solve the real issue which is that you appear to have a 24 carat cocklodger in your house.

Tell him that he either transfers x amount to your account NOW and monthly on x date in the future or he moves out with immediate effect (where to IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM and don't make it so). You have supported him long enough and you are no longer attracted to a man who is clearly taking the piss out of you. If you don't feel like this now, it really will only be just a matter of time before you do.

Shoxfordian · 02/01/2022 06:00

Stop being a mug

autieok · 02/01/2022 06:06

Totally reasonable you need to discuss finances before living together. If he earns less than u , u made need to pay more but you should both pay the same percentage of your earnings in.

RedHelenB · 02/01/2022 12:56

As him to pay his fair share of bills and food . No need to see his bank statements though.

ChampagneLassie · 02/01/2022 13:00

Not sure seeing his bank statement right approach. An open conversation about finances is what you need. Have you worked out what you want? Know what you will accept and making a plan together. If he isn't able / doesn't want to do this will you end things? Don't try to manage his finances for him. Open dialogue is what's needed. Consider financial coaching together might help. Good luck

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread