Should I have had a child

[lollipoprainbow]

Feeling like worst mum in the world right now. I knew I lways wanted to be a mum and it finally happened with a guy I was having a fling with. She's 9 now and a joy but I worry she is lonely and unhappy. She's upset that she's an only child and struggles to make friends. She was diagnosed with ASD last year. I lost my sister five years and ago and my mum is now very poorly with dementia so our family is very very limited. I don't have any real friends and the one best friend I had emigrated to Australia five years ago along with her two children who my dd was very fond of. Life hasn't turned out as I wanted for her, I guess I stupidly didn't think beyond the baby stage, didn't dream she would have ASD. Now I wonder if I did the right thing obviously it's too late now!! I love her to bits and try to give her the best of everything but worry she's isn't happy she never will be. I worry myself silly about her future and who would look after her if god forbid anything happened to me. Her dad is part of her life but he would be hopeless full time !! Sorry for the rant I'm just feeling so low and guilty.

That sounds hard OP. I'm a single parent and feel really guilty for not giving my child the 'perfect' nuclear family set up, with a sibling. Guilt is a horrible feeling and it sounds like you're quite isolated too. I don't have any advice as I feel the same. My only advice is that your DD has every chance of having a good life in the future, and you sound like a lovely caring mum

Also this Xmas period has been so hard, so much time cooped up indoors and outside of usual routine. I bet you'll feel better when you're back to normal school etc.

@Keepitonthedownlow that means so much thank you I do feel terribly cooped up and my dd doesn't really like going out so hopefully I will feel better when we are back into a routine.

Hi, I have three children and frequently worry that all my resources are spread too thinly. I could have given them far more of everything if I'd only had one child. My daughter complains a lot about not having a sister and I feel terrible for her. So I think parental guilt preys on parents regardless of family set up. There are pros and cons for having siblings and for being an only child. Maybe focus on the advantages. I also 'futurise' and it's the thief of joy and peace of mind. So I try hard to challenge it when it happens. If you are a good Mum, that really is enough. Hope you have a great 2022.

Just adding, every child has their challenges in life, some can be the making of them. I think the most important thing is having a consistent caregiver, which is you. It's so much harder not having a partner to take the strain or reassure you you're doing OK. I nearly had a melt down when I realised that due to covid it would be just me and DD over Xmas. So much pressure. It was so hard.

Where do you stay OP? Have you heard of the frolo app for single parents? It's quite good.

@padsi1975 your input is really helpful, thank you. It's so easy to beat yourself up as a parent, isn't it.

Does your DD belong to any clubs or do any sports like ?

Brownies
Swimming
Library for books, games, toys - also a good place to find out about local events, clubs etc

How are you feeling today @lollipoprainbow? X

I also think you sound lovely and caring and your DD is lucky. There’s no point in thinking about what you could have done as you can’t change the past. I’m sure that if parents knew exactly what laid ahead, many wouldn’t have DC but the point is you don’t know and you’ve done your best for her and will continue to do.

Please dont have a child as company for another.

I'm sorry things are so tough for you. But it will be tougher with another child. Not all siblings get along and help each other out in life either.

I was planned and born as 'a sibling for first born' my life has been horrendous with said sibling. Are no contact now for years.

I dont mean to only be negative and I can only give you my perspective.

You sound like a wonderful mother who would do anything to make her child happy.
Just make sure you really think it through.

social kids usually have social parents. You need to model that to help her make friends.

Invite people over, join clubs, meet at the park.

It sounds like you need to expand your social circle, for both your sales. Yes, your old friend moved abroad, but there is nothing to stop you making new friends. Your daughter may struggle regardless of your family situation due to her ASD, but you can model the social skills she needs to learn, and you will gain too.

I think it's really normal to fret over a child with ASD at this age. I suspect it's adolescence you're really worried about, and how to spare her pain.

You sound like a wonderful mum and your DD will be fine. Life isn't a fairy tale for any of us and it's very hard when we can't give it to our children.

@BluebellsGreenbells

social kids usually have social parents. You need to model that to help her make friends.

Invite people over, join clubs, meet at the park.

You mean 'social parents are more likely to give birth to social kids' there is definitely some genetic element to extroverts IMO and very little of it is to do with modelling. It's much more likely in this situation that the OP may also be on the spectrum and so doesn't find socialising that easy - as she says she has no real friends at the moment. It's might be easy for an extrovert to just go out and make friends but it's not for many people including the OP. I've also always had a best friend and spent a lot of time with them - it has had zero impact on my dc with asd who finds friendships impossible. Modelling friendships to a child when you're an adult is just a ludicrous idea, the things adults do as friends is vastly different to what kids do together.

OP does your dd have a friend at school that you could have round to encourage the friendship? Does she have any interests you could encourage where she might make friends? It's tricky when you have ASD and very sadly only gets more difficult at secondary school. She might find her tribe yet though, I find other non NT kids often connect with them also slightly younger kids or those that have some differences of their own. At the end of the day though she has a mother who adores her and that really is a lot. x

social kids usually have social parents.

What nonsense. I will have to tell my introvert and extrovert children that they are supposed to be doing something more similar and in line with what I do...

@Pollingbadly

social kids usually have social parents.

What nonsense. I will have to tell my introvert and extrovert children that they are supposed to be doing something more similar and in line with what I do...

Yeah that’s not necessarily true although I’m sure some personality traits probably are inherited. However, with ASD, you can’t just ‘learn’ to be social and you often struggle with social interactions. That’s the case even if you have super sociable parents.

Modelling friendships to a child when you're an adult is just a ludicrous idea

I disagree. My parents have always had friends, and therefore I have always seen this as normal and achievable. Their friends had children, and I spent a lot of time with them. Some became friends of mine, some didn't...it all developed my social skills for later.

My parents have continued to make friends throughout their lives through work, fishing, golf, parish groups, bridge etc. I have always seen them be friendly, reach out to people, expect and receive a good response from others. I have always seen them welcome people into their lives, and the payback in terms of fun and support

If they had been insular and friendless (through choice or otherwise) I would have had fewer opportunities as a child, and I don't think I would have the same social skills and expectations that I have now (such as they are!).

I see a lot of people on Mumsnet who just don't know how to make friends, or don't understand that you can make the first move, or fear rejection, or take offense about tiny things, or can't share friends, or think they can only be friends with people who are just like them. If they had watched their parents maintain healthy friendships, they might be less likely to struggle with these issues.

I think the issue of friendship is important but the OP is also missing having a partner and family around her. That is particularly isolating, particularly at Xmas when everyone seems like they are surrounded by loved ones.

@Keepitonthedownlow bit better today thanks, think I will feel happier getting back into a routine although my daughter is dreading school due to the friendship issues.

@Pollingbadly @Notimeforaname @Exasperatedhousehunter thanks for your kind words

@TheYearOfSmallThings if only it was that easy to make friends.

@lollipoprainbow glad to hear you're feeling better. Just wondering if you've ever heard of woodcraft folk? It's like an outdoor group for children up to teens. I take my DD and they normally have camping weeks in the summer. Could be another avenue?