Aibu here

[Alis1beelbals]

I don’t know if I’ve been unreasonable here
I’d like advice on how to make it better or deal with these situations better in the future (if I’m out of order)
& Sorry it’s another MIL post
I used to get on with mil until after we had children
Iinitially we found her helpful and I had severe Pnd
I tried talking about it , with her at the time and thanking her for her help. But she basically just said nothing!
To the point I wondered if she had even heard me pour my heart out!
In the early days She’d give comments I felt were possibly not so nice? such as “ he’s such a grandmas boy “or daddy’s boy” and honestly here ,believe me! it was never a mummy’s boy,
then it was increasing her visits to every week but would be overnight stays sometimes two to three nights and if we said we were busy she would become difficult and say things like”he will never know me”

After a while and a bad nights sleep, I got annoyed by another last minute visit by her and actually said something like we have plans this weekend, then I went off to change and to feed him.
When I came back down ,she’d left without a goodbye then later text to say “I know when I’m not wanted!” I kind of lost my patience a bit here and said your being childish and that it would be nice to have some notice and to actually know how long she was planning to visit for (this is another thing as we’d never be told her plans for how long) and if dh were to say are you staying over she’d be like ooh yes please but then never how long!
Anyway thought things were relatively calm and going ok until Xmas and she comes over and not having too bad a time (apart from her comments on how to cook everything and then the decor and how the rooms not festive enough and the glasses are dirty and how she just hopes ds wont be given fish fingers again etc) basically bossing dh the whole time to set it up as she requested and asked if he was getting changed into something smarter! He just totally ignored her on that request, during the dinner conversation she says you need to be free at Easter as I’m hosting a dinner party and your siblings and cousins are coming and they want to see you all
However we’re due to have our first holiday abroad in years the same week
Now I get it’s disappointing news but her reaction was out of order I feel as she goes bright red and then starts muttering
Never mind 100xs and then starts saying “perhaps one day you’ll make the effort” and then “perhaps one day you might invite me along on holiday I’d love to se dgc on the beach playing and take him swimming but never mind”
Tha
Is wasn’t said as a question and just a quick as it was said the subject was changed!!
So this is where I wondered if I was bu? As I replied that her comments were not really that nice and how hard would it be for her to be happy for us having a holiday
And this is when she stands up and shouts at me to not dare start on her again and then walks out and leaves once again without a goodbye!
Now dh and I have had maybe two arguments in the years we’ve been together and guess what! Both were about her!
Now we didn’t fall out on this ,or the last time she walked out, as we’ve agreed that she is the problem , he’s openly said he won’t confront her ,as that’s not the relationship they have and that she is his mother and he doesn’t want to upset her! But he doesn’t want me to be upset either
and he even said his mother had tried to pull him up on “his wife’s behaviour “
he has said he feels that she is getting worse and I should just ignore it as he does and that she hates anyone pulling her up, or confronting her and he thinks it’s because she’s getting older and has had too much time alone! (she says -especially to dh that she never sees anyone, but then drops into conversation the dates she had with - very on /off long distance partner and lunches with friends and various other local social groups)
Anyway Sorry I’ve waffled on
Trying to give a bit of background
So how should I deal with this behaviour? Because it’s seriously getting me down and I feel on eggshells every time I hear she’s coming!!

Well at the moment, 4 of us have voted and 3:1 says YANBU
I'd be interested to understand the reasoning of the person who said you are??

I'm not in the camp of hating all MiLs, and I often defend MiLs on here, but of course she needs to check in with people she is visiting to see if it is convenient.
Same with any 'event' she is planning - the normal way is to check in with the key people when you have the idea and then arrange the date to suit everyone.
She does sound incredibly rude, and the more it is ignored, the worse it will become, so YANBU at all to challenge her over some things - it probably is a 'pick your battles' situation though...... for example I'd leave your dh to decide if it is worth replying to comments about his clothes.

I would start living your life more on your terms and hope she gets use to it. Stop walking on egg shells. Be civil and friendly in that superficial way you might use with colleagues partners or something, but don't give an inch on anything you don't want to do.

Have an agreement with your DH that from now on if she wants to come you set up for how long with her before she arrives. And if more than one night is too much for you then that's the limit (does she actually need to stay over at all?). If she's coming too frequently then set a limit that works for you and DH and stick to it. (Staying over more than a few times a year would be way more than I'd be okay with).

Ignore all the guilt tripping manipulation. Don't rise to it. Don't call her on it. Just ignore it. You have absolutely nothing to gain trying to stick up for yourself with her. You aren't going to change her mind, she'll just feel attacked and that will cement the idea in her head that she's badly treated by you. If she says stuff so directly that you can't really just ignore it, say something along the lines of - "We'll have to disagree on that." - and change the subject.

Basically be confident in your life (and if you don't feel confident, fake it for now) and stop compromising a good family life in order to be "kind" to her. If you can be kind without it negatively impacting your family life, that's great - she is DH's mum, she did help you out when things were hard - but you shouldn't sacrifice your peace as a family to appease her.

Tell your DH he can either have an unhappy mother or an unhappy wife - and remember which one he expects to go to get with every night?

I had this with my ex. I actually told him that, at that point we still had the chance of a decent relationship but that if he didn't intervene and nip it in the bud (from her) I would soon get to the point where I would explode and by that point the relationship between us would be totally nuked from both sides - did he want that?

To give him his credit he listened. He told his mum she was not to make unannounced visits, she would need to stop making rude comments, she had to respect me as the mother and stop giving her unasked for input on everything. It took a few false starts but she realised we were a united front and the gatekeepers to her grandchild so learned to behave herself and we get along a lot better (even now, after be broke up long ago my ex and I are on the same page and she respects us both as the parents)

Wondering why someone has voted on yabu?
I think yanbu and she sounds like hard work.
I think if your hubby can deal with her?
it’ should be his job ,as it’s his mother! Hopefully he can set clear messages and boundaries, that can benefit you all

You need to set and agree on your boundaries and expectations as a family unit (you, husband and child).

You need to tell her your boundaries and stand by and guard them every. Single. Time. Both of you. This can’t just be your job. I’m afraid your husband needs to grow some backbone.

If the pair of you don’t present a United front she will continue to walk over all boundaries for the rest lf her life as you are both letting her to that.

When my mil was full of nasty comments me and dh agreed her name wasn't mentioned in our home. We did go nc in time.

What a nightmare. I’m a grandmother of 3 and can’t imagine I’d ever turn up unannounced at either household, expect to stay overnight or expect to go on holiday with daughters/partners and children.
Can you invite her in advance so you know when she’s turning up? And agree with DH that she’s not staying overnight.
Go on holiday, it’s what you’ve arranged but maybe in the future suggest you have a weekend away where she can come along?
I’m thinking if you give a little on your terms she’ll have nothing to moan about. And if she then wants to criticise Xmas decs / food / whatever then she’s just a misery and you can invite her less.

You sound lovely Suzanne999 shame more arnt like you!

Well,isn't she the attention seeker?
Time to say no more of this,our home,our lives,our dc,our holiday.
She comes only on invitation for a prearranged time and ignore any bad reaction.

My mil's bad behaviour saw her uninvited from our wedding!!

When she suggests coming on holiday say nothing just think internally ‘that will never happen!’ When she offers unwanted advice just do what your husband does and ignore and continue how you want. She can only annoy you if you let her. If she says she hopes dc won’t have fish fingers just don’t react to her and give dc what they want. If she mentions the house being dirty say ‘hmm yes so I better get on and get cleaning, you need to go soI can get on with it, see you later and usher her out.’ Each time you react she wins and don’t reward her for being rude? If she thinks your house is dirty then she surely can’t stay.