So cross - aunt's funeral

[custardbear]

I don't know how to feel and what to say to my surviving aunt - my elderly aunt died a few weeks ago. Her sister is self serving and fell out with her siblings long ago, back in the 50's 60's, and caused real fractures on the family, she's not solely to blame but she's always the lowest common denominator, and great at blame shifting and gaslighting
I expressed, multiple times, I'd like to pay my respects from my side of the family (my parent (the sibling of both) died sone time ago so they wouldn't be able to attend. Manipulative aunt sprang it on me that the funeral took place already and sorry there were complications so it was on and off then all last minute, yet there were many other family members able to drive double the distance in time to attend.

It's not the first time she's done this to me, I'm one of the few nieces and nephews who keep in touch, visit regularly (until I wasn't invited to a family gathering a few years ago), but I'm hurt as she was my aunt and why not tell me there may be a last minute funeral, I assume because there wasn't one, it was all set up in good time

Venting, hurt and feel manipulated- my grandmother said before she died to fix the rift between themselves (her children) yet this aunt seems to keep the rift open, even though we're trying to fix it further down the family
I guess AIBU to be so hurt and upset? Do I tell aunt she's manipulative and I feel really let down yet again, but guess that may put a wedge between me and my cousins, she'd likely lie to them about me

She sounds like she’s done this on purpose but surely other people in the family could and should also have told you? Why didn’t they?

If she's been like this for years, there is next to nothing you can say to her to make her see things any differently. Yes she was wrong not to tell you but she will never admit it.

I’m confused, did you not keep in touch with either aunt and didn’t like either aunt?

Thanks for the responses. There are limited family members and we live far apart. Because of the relationship of aunts and my dad the cousins barely know each other. My living aunt takes the lead on most family things, I think it's her controlling nature so i messaged her to tell me when the funeral was on and I'd do my best to get there. As much as I didn't see that much of either aunt growing up, I did see the aunt who died most regularly as she lived near my grandmother and we'd meet her when I visited gran, we also spoke on the phone. More recently I've made great efforts to
Visit living aunt as my gran wanted us to. Living aunt hasn't had a great relationship for years and barely spoke to aunt that died for many years - she blows hot and cold at people to be honest. I think she holds grudges and manipulates situations, but this case it's just nasty, no matter what, my aunt died and I expressed I wanted to pay my respects

Did the aunt have any children?
Are you sure the nasty aunt did the arranging?
If she's as bad as you say, are you sure there was a 'proper' funeral?

I’m sorry for your loss.

The only thing you can do for your own peace of mind is find your own way to say goodbye and find closure. Maybe visit somewhere you spent time with her, or the church/crematorium where the funeral took place and spend some quiet time, maybe have a walk around the grave light a candle. Paying your respects can be done privately.

Don’t try contacting the other aunt, if she’s been doing this for the best part of 60 years she has way more experience than you and you will just end up feeling more hurt and upset. Don’t fuel the fire. 💐

I think it is very sad that you were not given the information about the funeral so couldn't attend.

But there is something odd about the way you describe how it came about. Why did you just message your aunt (who you describe as self serving and having fallout with your side of the family) if there are other family members who you say are more keen to 'end the rift'?

I am in lreland so not sure how it works in the UK but is there not a public way of checking funerals eg newspaper/ online? This would never happen here as we can check ourselves and not have to rely on a cranky old lady.
Don't buy into her drama. Take some flowers and visit your aunties grave. Make a donation in her memory to a favourite charity. Do not give your surviving aunt the satisfaction of knowing she upset you as this sounds deliberate unless she is suffering from dementia and general old age stuff as she sounds quite elderly. Did your aunt who died have children that you need to contact to explain your absence from their dms funeral?
I think with Covid fewer people are managing to make funerals now.

When my sister died it was very traumatic for the immediate family as it was unexpected, I found her, the Coroner was involved etc, etc. When her body was eventually released (6 weeks later), we organised a funeral for the next available slot and just a dozen of us attended. The whole period was surreal. Since then, I've had to explain to cousins and friends why we did it like this but it hasn't cleared the air - yes, perhaps we were wrong and should have waited for an all-singing all-dancing service with a slap-up meal after but we couldn't have gone through with it. Sometimes family behave very oddly at times of stress is what I'm saying and I'm sorry that your aunt didn't let you know but it does sound in character 💐