Going NC/low contact with mum?

[PixieAndProsecco]

I want to start by saying that this is not really an AIBU, I have posted here for opinions as there is usually a lot of traffic.

Last night things blew up with my mum - to the point where she has blocked my number and social media - and I am now considering going NC/low contact with her.

To give a bit of background - my mum had a horrible childhood (her father died, mother was an abusive alcoholic etc) and then growing up she never broke this cycle. Even as an adult she bent over backwards for her own mums approval which she never received and after my gran died she had a huge family rift and doesn't speak to her siblings anymore (neither do we). When I was growing up my mum could be an incredibly generous person and always sought to give us experiences that she never had however, she could also be very unkind and often wouldn't talk to us (myself and my sibling) for days if we disagreed with her or she perceived any wrong. She was/is even worse to my dad.
Despite all of this I maintained a relationship with her because she's my mum. There was never any physical abuse but there was definitely emotional abuse, gaslighting etc.

Brining it to more recent times my grandparents on my dad's side have had a horrific time recently. They are both in their late 80s and my gran has recently been diagnosed with dementia which is not going well at all (she needs someone with her 24/7 but SW still have not started their care package and, despite being a flight risk/refusing medication/physically hurting others/trying to kill herself/being unable to wash herself and frequently losing control of her bladder and bowels, she does not meet the requirements for residential care). We have also found out that she has cataracts and they are unsure whether to operate given her medical history and current state. My grandpa is in hospital having fallen down the stairs and breaking his hip, he is also going deaf.
My dad has been running himself in to the ground to look after them. He does have a sibling and although they do bits and pieces it is definitely not an even split in duties and they often phone my dad to deal with issues when it gets "too difficult". With my grandpa in the hospital my dad has been staying with my gran because what else is there to do? She cannot be left alone.

Throughout this whole thing my mum has been telling me dad that he needs to stop doing what he's doing, that he should be at home, that looking after them can be his sibling's job etc. She has become quite horrible and somehow seems to make the situation about her and how it is so difficult for her because he isn't at home as often.

I do appreciate that is is a trying time for everyone but I'm sure my dad would much rather be at home and cooking dinner than dealing with everything else he is going through. He is completely deflated 24/7 and you can see how much he is struggling. He has confided in me that there are small points where he hopes (although hope is the wrong wors) that my gran will just pass peacefully in her sleep one night because you wouldn't let an animal go through what she is. I have told him that he needs to be firmer with his sibling and they need to do more but he is worried that if he does this and they don't step up then the only people who suffer are my grandparents and he couldn't live with that.

Fast forward to now and my dad's sibling refused to have my gran at their house overnight for NYE because my gran was having NY day lunch their and it would be "too much" (despite my dad spending every waking, and sleeping, moment with his mum since Tuesday and having barely eaten or slept as a result). This meant that my dad spent NYE with my gran at her house as my mum didn't want my gran in their house because "she's a danger".
My mum then had several offers to spend NYE with myself or my sibling, which she declined and started to martyr herself. She then proceeded to take my dad's house keys off of him and told him he had obviously "picked his siblings happiness over hers as he wasn't forcing them to take my gran".

Last night she sent my sibling's future in-laws a message saying similar to above. She then messaged in the family group chat, purposely ignoring my dad, saying that tomorrow (today) was the start of her "new life". Both my sibling and I called he'd out for her behaviour and I told her that she was being toxic and her behaviour was uncalled for. This is when she disinvited us all from a lunch today, said it was all my fault, and then blocked me. She then proceeded to message my sibling to reinforce that it was my fault (which my sibling does not agree with and shares my view) and tell them that her "new life" was her starting things as a single person because she was done with how selfish my dad was being. She also proceeded to post the same type of things all over social media because that is what she does.

My dad just wants us to make things right again, and I can see the strain it is causing him on top of everything else, but I cannot. I have spent almost 30 years of my life putting up with her nonsense and the minute she doesn't like what you say then this is what happens. She desperately needs therapy to deal with her past and try to find better ways of dealing with things but won't.

Would you go NC/low contact in this situation? I appreciate that this is a long post and I apologise, there was/is obviously more to unpack than I realised and I could probably do with therapy too by the looks of it.

It reads like your Mum needs your Dad as a kind of stand in parent for the parents she didn’t get growing up. As an adult she should be able to fill her own time and she obviously cannot. I can certainly see a lot of the codependency and frankly unreasonable behaviour in what you are describing.

However as a complete aside I don’t think your DF is setting appropriate limits and boundaries on his time caring for his parents either and while it is much more palatable to really anyone’s values (kindness and selflessness) it is quite damaging in its own way particularly for your Dads own health and well-being. He needs to be getting some additional support from somewhere for his parents before he cracks under the strain. It seems like it often requires family to be willing to pull back to get other services to step in so that might be something your dad needs to consider.

You definitely should set limits on your mother whatever that looks like for you and of course you can support your father too in whatever practical ways you can. It doesn’t seem like a big family row is the answer but definitely some decent boundaries being imposed on your mother and some saying no to her completely unreasonable demands is necessary and ignoring her toddler tantrums after. Sorry OP it sounds very tough.

Thank you Devilmakes3. We have spoken to my dad about him needing to look after himself too but he feels stuck between a rock and a hard place.
If he asks his sibling to do it they just don't (my dad has dealt with all SW contact, hospital visits etc) as it is "too upseting" and so he knows if he doesn't do it it won't get done, leaving my grandparents as the only people suffering. He has also been on and off the phone to SW countless times but the power or attorney for my gran is split between my dad, my dad's sibling and my grandpa and my dad's sibling won't have their mum "put in a home to die" but they also won't step up.

My mum isn't co-dependent at all - she has spent this time going to the gym, getting her hair and nails done, coffee, working, gardening, crafting etc. If my dad were at home she wouldn't be bothered with him.

I think it's more a case of my dad has finally stopped saying "how high?" when she says "jump".
She told my dad she would leave him if they didn't go in holiday last month, despite my grans recent diagnosis and trying to sort all of that. My mum wanted a holiday because she hadn't had one in two years and "how dare he deprive her of that". My dad asked about a UK break at a nice hotel etc and she scoffed and told him it was "a proper holiday or a divorce" ...

She constantly refers to my gran as crazy, unstable etc which she isn't
She is ill. No one in their right mind would ask for or want dementia. She thinks that my dad should just leave her to it and if his sibling doesn't help then who care.
This is the same woman who spent years cooking and cleaning for her own mum, leaving my dad to deal with the house and two young children, even though my mum had more siblings than my dad does to help. It's the complete hypocrisy that she seems to be going on about. She also believes that if she gets ill when she's older then my sibling and I should take her in, not a care home, which again is another double standard.

In my youth she would ignore me for a week or so at a time because I disagreed with her and eventually I would have the ask for forgiveness and she would be the victim.

I think the last few months have really highlighted how bloody selfish and toxic she can be.

I actually think your mum has put up with a lot but has now reached the end of her tether. I certainly wouldn't go non contact for this alone. She's not unreasonable to expect her husband to sleep at home or minimum share care of grandma with his sibling. Everyone needs to prioritise getting appropriate care for grandparents so your can get his life back. I actually feel sorry for both your parents.

Your Dad gets his life back I mean.

I also don't think having one holiday in 2 years is excessive either. Maybe she felt your Dad needed it more because of the issues with your grandparents.

I think you focus (and your DM's) should be on getting more help for your Dad. He will ill next if he tries to care 24/7.

Why doesn't he take his mum home with him so your dm can help too?

Thank you Ghoul. My head feels all over the place and I'm not sure if I'm conflating this issue with past issues or not.

I think my issue is more her behaviour towards others and the double standards.

My mum spent a decade of her life spending one full day every week cleaning my grans house (her mum), took her shopping multiple times a week, spent another day batch cooking her meals etc which meant my dad did the majority of the parenting and every single pick up/drop off and attendance at clubs. Now my dad has had to pick up more care in the last 2-3 months and that's too much. Her mum wasn't allowed to go in a home, how dare we suggest that, but my dad is to put my gran in a home and leave her. Now my dad and his sibling have only been 24/7 with my gran since Tuesday when my poor grandpa had the audacity to fall down the stairs and break his hip, another inconvenience for my mum. Before then my dad was at home, working, cleaning etc etc and this week he has done the overnights and mornings with my gran and has been back home to help during the day.

Then the whole posting on WhatsApp, social media and to others about how shit my dad is and how it's his fault she's alone (she was told she could come to my house and my siblings and refused, probably because then she couldn't complain). Then when she was told her behaviour wasn't okay I've been completely blocked and ignored because I didn't agree with her.

In our past there has obviously been a lot of trauma that is maybe clouding my vision on this.
The police came one night because my mum got drunk and tried to strangle my dad. Yet, somehow, she retells this story as his fault - I witnessed the whole thing.
She used to throw him out the room regularly and throw his things at him, once throwing a razor which bounced off the floor and ended up cutting me. That was also his fault apparently.
I asked her not to do something to my child and she took this as a massive insult, refused to speak to me for a week and said I was the worst thing to happen to her.
If I disagreed with her when I was younger she would just not talk to me. Even being a young child I remember apologising and her just ignoring me for days. She has also done the same with my own child. He told her to go away and leave him alone, because she was winding him up, and she walked around calling him names and ignoring him.
She used to get drunk and ask myself and my sibling who we would choose if my parents got a divorce.
She frequently insults and belittles my dad etc.

I think on the whole her ignoring me isn't a big deal in itself but it's just the final straw, if that makes sense?

Ghoul no my dad had work arranged that he needed to rearrange to go away. Despite being self employed and struggling like many over the last two years - something else she dragged him down for.

Madroid my mum has explicitly stated that my gran is not allowed in the house because she is "crazy" and "dangerous". My dad did say about bringing her there for NYE and my mum refused. It was either my gran or her, my dad wasn't allowed both. She is an 89 year old woman, who is less than 4ft, who has dementia. She isn't crazy or dangerous.

The problem here is that social services will do little or nothing while a family member is helping. No decent human being would allow an elderly person to get into the state that would force social services to start acting. Grandmother would have to be left for several days being incontinent and not getting cleaned up and several days without food. The social services do not even care if an elderly person with dementia is a danger to themselves and neighbours such as leaving the unlit gas running or taps left on till the house floods. Social services will claim they do not have the budget or the staff. There are a lot of carers who end up more ill than the carees.

I think they only way for Dad to get some help is to speak more forcefully to social services and the GP. Any further delays need to go to the local council representative and escalate the situation every day at least.
This is a medical need.

The fact you already has experience of caring for her mum may mean she already fatigued by the whole situation. I still think it's in everyone's interests to get good care sorted so everyone ASAP so the pressure is less for everyone. I'm not saying she always been a perfect mum (doesn't sound like it) but she's currently in an impossible situation as is your dad.

I think there is a board for elderly parents where you may be able to get advice about getting your grandparents care.

My dad has already taken my gran to the hospital as a danger to herself to try to prompt SW to speed things up. They said they could in patient her as a psychiatric patient but not much else, the hospitals hands were tied.
With my grandpa's fall the only positive is that SW now has to pick up their socks as neither or them can care for the other.

My dad has just turned up here to see both myself and the kids for new year. He also can't get in to his house, due to no keys, and my mum won't let him in to even get his wallet.

My sibling has told me that she messaged them this morning saying that they were too unwell, because of me, and had had to go back to bed. My message telling her that her behaviour (posting all over social media and to others) was not okay in the situation has caused her to be bed bound. Not her own guilt or the masses of vodka she'll have drank.

I hope no one feels like I am disregarding what they are saying. I truly appreciate the replies. This has become more like a sounding board to help me get my thoughts out, with DH at work, without further dragging my sibling down too (who also feels crap about everything lately).

The problem here is that social services will do little or nothing while a family member is helping.

This is absolutely the care OP your Dad stepping in is allowing SS to step back. My friend is a former hospital SW and she has told us many stories of people being sent to entirely inappropriate family “support” set ups from hospital as community SS will prioritise the people without family care. That is a separate issue though you are absolutely spot on that your M is toxic. You have a very clear understanding of that now. Support your father and leave your DM to figure out or otherwise her own problems. It really does sound awfully difficult.

Thank you everyone.

I do genuinely appreciate everything she has done for me and I know that she can be an incredibly kind and loving person. However she can also be this other person who is awful and toxic.

I do believe she needs some form of therapy to deal with the issues from her past and I'm probably realising that I also need some form of therapy to deal with issues from my own.