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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dealing with regret and the one who got away

16 replies

Skinnyfrappewithmilk · 01/01/2022 09:20

Feeling quite sad today, not sure if this is an AIBU or not, but posting here for traffic really.

How do you deal with living in regret after making a wrong decision many years ago?

I was in a relationship with a man 7 years ago, we were together for 6 years. We were planning on buying a house together. Then I got bored and decided to end things with him, just because I wanted some excitement. I also have ADHD so I think there was an element of lack of impulse control involved.
I ended up moving 250 miles away from my family and friends to be with someone I had met on the internet.
I had ended the relationship with the man I mention above a year before this.

I regret this decision every single day, the man I am talking about in the original post, my ex partner, he was just about perfect, but I was stupid and got bored. I hate myself for it. He was traditionally handsome, he had a very well paid job, he was successful, driven, ambitious and intelligent, he was also kind and understanding of my mental health issues.
We went away together lots and travelled around visiting different places. We had a laugh together and I felt safe with him.
His father died and he struggled hugely, he started to withdraw and while I tried to understand, I found it difficult, even though I have my own MH issues.
I’m ashamed to say I got bored and wanted out. I thought the grass was greener, of course it wasn’t.

Fast forward to now, I’m now living in a part of the country 200 miles away from my family & friends, living with someone who isn’t very nice to me at all, talks down to me, snaps at me constantly and is very moody all the time. He has zero ambition and a minimum wage job and has no plans to try and get a better one, so it’s down to me to earn the decent wage. We’re relying on universal credit and it makes me so sad to think of what my life would have been.
He’s totally unromantic, messy, smelly, not particularly attractive (not sure what attracted me in the first place) and we don’t really have anything in common. He also doesn’t want to get married or make a proper commitment to me.
We have DC together, who is lovely and I know they wouldn’t be around if I hadn’t met my current DP, but I still can’t help thinking how different things would have been had I never moved here and if I’d stayed with my ex DP.

I guess because it’s New Years Day it’s making me think about all these things more, it’s been a terrible couple of years with covid and being unable to travel to visit my family…

OP posts:

AnyoneForFondue · 01/01/2022 09:25

Regardless of the previous relationship (which you might now be viewing through rose tinted spectacles), it doesn’t sound like your current relationship is very good. I’d concentrate on either addressing those issues or move on.

showersandflowers · 01/01/2022 09:26

Ooph. That's tough. Has for ex moved on, so you know?

I think the concept of the One That Got Away is another form of "the grass is greener" which you mention. You clearly were not 100% happy or you wouldn't have ended things with him. Now you've happened to end up in a worse situation, he grass seems greener where you were before but your actions don't say that's how you felt back then.

I'd say this is less regret about leaving your ex than of just not having found the right person yet. Yes, the ex was a better option by the sounds of it but still not quite right.

Don't spend your life regretting this choice. If you're able to, move on.

OldWivesTale · 01/01/2022 09:30

Forget your ex for now but it sounds like you need to get out of your current relationship.

Mummadeze · 01/01/2022 09:36

Poor you, I sympathise. I have made similar life choices which I put down to my low self esteem. I was ‘bored’ by anyone who treated me well, and have stuck with the one who doesn’t for years. I think deep down, subconsciously, it is what I thought I deserved. I no longer think that, maturity and Mumsnet to some extent have made me see more clearly. I am still unsure if I could let someone else love me properly but I do know I would rather be single than in my current relationship. Maybe try to get some counselling or read a lot of self help material and try and find an exit strategy. I think romanticising your past is probably your mind’s way of detaching from your current partner, who is clearly not right for you. It is so hard to leave when a child is involved however, that is my issue. But definitely work on building your self esteem and improving your life despite your current situation to grow your strength to leave when you can.

Northernsoullover · 01/01/2022 09:42

I could have written the same story. I hankered after the guy I split with for years. Convinced I threw away the only decent man out there. I ended up having children with someone borderline abusive and who seemingly couldn't stand me.
It took me a long time to realise that the feeling of want was because of my dissatisfaction with my own life.
Looking back I left him because I was miserable. I also felt that he was boring. It just wasn't right and if we had got back together I would soon felt as miserable as I did before I left.
Since then I have had other relationships but hands down the happiest I have ever felt is now when I have made a decision to stop dating. I've done a degree, taken up new hobbies, got a second job purely for a social aspect. A relationship doesn't make your life perfect. It can enhance your life (and it should). Instead of looking back can you look forward to doing something new? How can you take steps to leave your partner?

Pinkdelight3 · 01/01/2022 09:53

Seven years is a long time ago and your life has changed a lot becoming a mum. No doubt the ex has changed a lot too and the man you're hankering after no longer exists, but is a useful shape to pour your lost hopes and dreams into while you're so unhappy with the current partner. I agree with others that the key takeaway from all of this is to move on from the current relationship and become co-parents rather than partners. You don't need a man - new or old - to move onto and indeed it'll be a better experience if you do it for yourself and your DC and get yourself into a happier place before considering another relationship. In truth none of these men have been mr right for whatever reason, so while it was fine to be looking back for a maudlin moment, let it motivate you now to look forward and move on to a better place this year.

KarmaStar · 01/01/2022 09:55

The past is gone,accept that and stop looking backwards or you will never move forwards.
You can change the now though by moving on from the partner you are with and making a good,happy life for you and your dc.You don't need a man to move back to,you need to focus on you and dc.
Seek housing,benefit and legal advice about a home of your own,maybe back where you have family and friends but only if you completely accept that you must not,cannot,expect it hope to resume a relationship with your ex.
There is a happy future for you ,you have to take the first steps towards it and the new year is as good a time as any.
Good luck.

Dancingsmile · 01/01/2022 09:59

I'd concentrate on sorting the here and now and your future out.
You can leave, move back to your home town if possible with your child and move forward.
You made a choice it doesn't have to be forever.
Look forward not back.

Blossom987 · 01/01/2022 10:04

I have been struggling with similar feelings about ‘the one who got away’ the last couple of months. We split about 15 years ago. There was a significant anniversary which didn’t help (not entirely related to him but how we met) and I’ve cried many real tears over it recently. I was also diagnosed with ADHD in the past year which I think has made me question a lot of my decisions and how different life may have been had I been diagnosed as a child.

Having said that I don’t believe there is only one person out there for us and I don’t think the upset is about ‘him’ but more rather an indication I’m not happy in my current situation (single). Let’s face it, if we had met someone else wonderful and happy in a relationship then we wouldn’t be giving these exes a second thought!

Merryoldgoat · 01/01/2022 10:05

You cannot be be truly happy if you are looking for someone else to ‘fix’ your life.

You leave your partner, move back to the area you have family support, do things for yourself and your children. Start making good decisions rather than bad ones or letting things happen and coast along.

You make a life without either of these men, whatever that looks like. Only then will you be happy.

traka · 01/01/2022 10:16

If you were happy you wouldn't be thinking about your ex

I would look at making your current life happier. Your relationship doesn't sound very nice with your partner

Split up, move closer to home, I don't know but I don't think you can continue like this

Hunderland · 01/01/2022 10:17

Your ex wasn't the one, nor is your current partner. Ditch him and start afresh by yourself.

notanothertakeaway · 01/01/2022 11:12

@Blossom987

@Blossom987 makes a really good point. It's natural to think "I wonder how life would have turned out if I had stayed with X", but if you were happy in your current relationship, I doubt you would have your previous partner on a pedestal

Roaringlogfire · 01/01/2022 11:38

Read ' The Midnight library ' It's about regrets and being able to make different decisions and try those lives to see if they truly would have made you happy. It's a great concept and does make you think.

Sort your current life out, move back to your family and friends and who knows, you'll meet someone else or rekindle a relationship with your ex. Unless you try you'll never know.

Original poster

Skinnyfrappewithmilk · 01/01/2022 12:28

I can’t move back as much as I’d like to as my current DP wouldn’t allow me to take our son. He’s said so when I brought it up before.

OP posts:

Pinkdelight3 · 01/01/2022 13:11

@Skinnyfrappewithmilk

I can’t move back as much as I’d like to as my current DP wouldn’t allow me to take our son. He’s said so when I brought it up before.

There are all kinds of practicalities that can be worked out when these things are set in motion and the outcomes often bear no relation to the threats and promises made beforehand. Feckless men like the DP you describe say all kinds of things but by his actions you can tell he's not the type to put up much of a fight. You'll probably spend more energy trying to get him to engage and take responsibility for DC than in trying to get him to 'allow you' to move - not necessarily 200miles away - but certainly out of the current set-up and perhaps closer to your family. Don't be defeated by the crap he says or waste more time hankering after an idealised past. Use this as a spark to ignite some positive steps.

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