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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by my mother?

23 replies

Alambil · 21/12/2007 23:13

Ok, so I'm a single parent who is on the larger side of the weight scales (but on a diet).

Suggest to mum today that I'm going to save up to take DS to Lapland UK next year if she would like to save to come too.

She goes on about how that is not good enough and wants to go to Switzerland in a log cabin with log fire etc (I can't possibly afford that).

She then says that once I start work again in a couple years time, this is what she wants to do - back tracking well, wasn't she.

Anyway, she then said something about going to Switzerland in time and how it would be great if she and dad were there, my sister, me and DS "and hopefully you will be a size 12 and have a bloke by then".

I responded quite curtly, that I think it matters not whether I am single and/or fat or not - the Christmas holiday sounds great and what would it matter if I was single anyway?

AIBU to think that she actually, deep down hates me being a single parent (she always makes remarks about how she doesn't want my sister to be "in my position - no offence" and stuff) and that actually she is ashamed of my circumstances?

Not sure if that made ANY sense or not... will clarify if needs be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alambil · 21/12/2007 23:14

forgot to add that her comments are really rather regular (about me being fat/single) and it is really getting wearing on me... am quite sick of it and not sure how to tell her to stop.

OP posts:
BroccoliSpears · 21/12/2007 23:18

I can understand why you feel very cross and upset by her attitude and what she said.

Is it possible that rather than feeling ashamed of your circs, she can see that things aren't always easy for you as a single parent (wild assumption there, but it must be hard coping without a dp to share the load) and wishes that you had things easier? It's natural for her to want her daughter to be happy, but she doesn't communicate her feelings particularly successfully?

lazawreath · 21/12/2007 23:19

Just sounds like everything she says probably doesn't come out in the way she perhaps intends it, if that makes sense.
Just tell her that her comments are having the opposite effect to what she thinks they are doing.
Are you close to her otherwise?

Magrat · 21/12/2007 23:19

or you could say that she was supporting you in your ambitions and giving you a vision of what she feels would be your perfect life

so ask yourself in an ideal world would you like

a) to be a size 12
b) to be in a loving, committed relationship
c) to enjoy an expensive holiday away

and if a mate said similar about a future point in time would you think 'oh that sounds nice' or would you think 'you conniving little bitch, you're never happy with me are you?'

it's all perspective sometimes

(although might be totally wrong and your mother might be just being a bitch .. also possible)

amytheearwaxbanisher · 21/12/2007 23:20

thats a bit nasty in a passive agressive way!from your mum i mean,does she know these comments bother you or do you laugh it off to save a row?

BroccoliSpears · 21/12/2007 23:20

The fat thing... less understandable. Can you tell her outright to stop as it hurts your feelings? Explain to her that you know you are overweight and that you are in the process of losing weight, and you're doing it for you, no one else, and if she can't be supportive of that then butt out.

Original poster
Alambil · 21/12/2007 23:25

Yes, very close - she helps an awful lot.

Broccoli, my parents have both admitted in the past that they have been ashamed of my actions (was a stupid, rebellious teen that did silly things) I am sure they wish life was easier and they haven't muttered a word about the thousands of ££ I owe them (they have said when I begin work, I can see what I can afford to repay)

Magrat, I am sure she's just trying to encourage me but the constant going on about it is really driving me mad. In an ideal world I'd love to be a size 12 etc etc but mum keeps saying how the relationship won't happen UNTIL I'm a size 12 etc... that "when you lose more weight..." and it really is starting to cut deep. WHY wouldn't I be attractive NOW? WHY shouldn't I go on dates NOW? I realise that it is more likely that the thinner I get, the more men will be interested but do I really need to be reminded every few days?

I dunno - maybe I should just come out with it but she will go and get all offended and I can't cope with her sulking this close to Christmas.

OP posts:
lazawreath · 21/12/2007 23:25

I wouldnt have thought she would be ashamed of your circumstances. She obviously loves you. Have a chat with her about it.

Original poster
Alambil · 21/12/2007 23:26

Oh, I could but she is supporting me in that she is paying for me to see the trainer... this has of course made me in her debt and to say that the comments are unhelpful is waiting for a bomb to go off; she thinks it is encouraging and she "doesn't mean it that way" blah blah...

You are right - I don't say anything to save the argument.

OP posts:
amytheearwaxbanisher · 21/12/2007 23:37

she sounds like she really loves you and mabey doesnt know the best way to incourage you with your weight

lazawreath · 21/12/2007 23:39

Why do you think you are in her debt? Is she not doing these things unconditionally? The money thing really isn't important, if it was, they would be asking you about that instead.
When you say trainer, do you mean personal fitness trainer? If you basically know your way round the gym then you can get rid of the trainer and do your own thing. Do you enjoy it?

Original poster
Alambil · 21/12/2007 23:44

Yes personal trainer - we are on a special programme thing where we go to see nutritionist and trainer - is private gym that she has paid for... can't just ditch him cos would lose shed loads of money!

I do know she loves me but it is just grating a bit with these comments - may talk to her about it in the new year.

Maybe I am being unreasonable and just needed a step back!

OP posts:
amytheearwaxbanisher · 21/12/2007 23:48

if someone got me a personal trainer and nutritionalist id be delighted but then ive just tried on my christmas clothes and had that elephant in a condom moment

Original poster
Alambil · 21/12/2007 23:50

oh I am delighted - delighted that I am finally on the way to losing the 10 stone I put on and it is actually working and I'm getting fitter.

Could just do without the snide remarks (however they are intended).

Ok, have just realised this is really a non-problem compared to some on here and will shut up and deal with it now - excuse my self-pity; it is clearly not attractive.

OP posts:
lazawreath · 21/12/2007 23:50

No, not unreasonable. A step back is a good idea though. It really doesn't sound like your parents are ashamed of you though, and they really want you to be happy.
It just sounds like everything has got on top of you and overwhelmed you. Don't despair though, you have a loving family and things will be different in a few weeks/months/years.

nametaken · 22/12/2007 00:04

you have my sympathy OP - I'm overweight and in spite of being happily married for 15 years, raising 3 children successfully and scoring high marks in my end of year exams this year, being a good cook, and a generous relative and running the race for life all my cow of a mother can ever say to me is

"have you lost any weight yet"

every single time we speak without fail.

I know it's childish but I've taken to retorting,

"no, have you given up your 20 fags a day habit yet/"

It doesn't make me feel any better though.

madamez · 22/12/2007 00:20

(to adapt a t-shirt slogan or two) You say fat/single like it's a bad thing. (it ain't). Don't wish to be insensitive about anyone's weight issues but am aware that we live in a culture that is worryingly nasty and obsessive about female body size, so being 'bigger than a size 12' is not necessarily bad. And being single is a fuck of a lot better than being coupled with any old abusive/drunk/boring/smelly/stupid/violent bellend, after all.

wb · 22/12/2007 09:52

I had to have the weight conversation with my mother this year and explain to her that however well meaning her comments were they upset me and were unhelpful. Since then she's needed a few 'reminders' (cue reproaches and hurt silence) but seems to be getting the idea.

My mum is lovely in many ways but I found that these constant digs were getting to me and things are much better since I've adopted a 'zero tolerance' approach. The important thing is not to feel you have to justify why you're taking this line - you're an adult and these subjects are not for discussion, end of.

Ultimately its up to individuals to decide whether they agree with your life choices or not, and they can think what they like but that doesn't mean they can tell you what they think.

MrsSchadenfreude · 22/12/2007 09:56

Nametaken - are you me?

My mother, on the very rare occasion I go shopping with her, shouts across the shop "Look! They've got these in large sizes!"

chrissnow · 22/12/2007 10:18

I would prefer when my dds are old enough that they aren't single parents. NOT through shame but because it is a terribly difficult position to be in. To that end you are doing a fab job and are a daughter to be proud of. I would, however, rather they were single than miserable in a dead end marriage/relationship. I'm sure that's what your mom is getting at.
The weight issue is more sensitive. Well done you for doing something about it (as long as it is what YOU want.) I think a sit down and a quiet adult chat with your mom is in order. Just explain how grateful you are for all her help, and you know she means well and is trying to encourage you (we'll assume she is) but can she do it in a way that sounds a little less critical.
Good luck and Merry Christmas.

nametaken · 22/12/2007 10:23

mrsschadenfreude lets get our own back by buying our mothers jars of industrial strength wrinkle cream for xmas

chrissnow · 22/12/2007 10:29

nametaken/mrsschadenfreude - don't forget the support tights and BIG BIG BIG knockers (i did that to my mom one year !!!)

chrissnow · 22/12/2007 10:30

oh god knickers I meant knickers!!!

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