I absolutely hate my parents

Hawaiiinthemorning · 2021-12-31T23:23:46+00:00

They are completely toxic. My dad is vile, I’ve never had a relationship as I knew I couldn’t bring anyone home as he would’ve acted the big I am. I’m 42 now , I do have a dd, ivf as a single mother, and know my hatred of him has ramped up. I don’t like the physical contact he seems to want with her, not an issue as we’ve cut contact and he is nowhere near her. He hasn’t ever been inappropriate with me but I’ve seen him with other women and he is gross. I’ve also seen messages on his phone that allude to him having sex with other men, told my mother and she was horrified for a day and then minimised it. Don’t really know what I expect from posting here but I hate this creep is in my life.

Exasperatedhousehunter · 31/12/2021 23:26

I get it but focus on what you do have and look to the future. You can’t choose your parents and they can fuck you up really badly but you can make a good life for yourself which it sounds like you are doing. Focus on being the best mum you can to your DD.

Original poster

Hawaiiinthemorning · 31/12/2021 23:31

@Exasperatedhousehunter

I get it but focus on what you do have and look to the future. You can’t choose your parents and they can fuck you up really badly but you can make a good life for yourself which it sounds like you are doing. Focus on being the best mum you can to your DD.

You’re right but it so difficult.

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UltraVividLament · 31/12/2021 23:32

If you've cut contact then he isn't in your life now, and you can start to reduce the amount of headspace you are giving him.

RunningFromInsanity · 31/12/2021 23:35

Your father having an affair, irrelevant whether it’s with a man or woman, is between him and your mother. If she chooses to accept that and move on, that’s her prerogative.

Exasperatedhousehunter · 31/12/2021 23:35

Try to stay positive! He isn’t worth the headspace you’re giving him. Even though he wore you down, you went it alone and had your DD and you can make her future so different to what you grew up with. I think having an abusive dad really destroys your self-confidence as a woman but you just have to keep fighting against those negative thoughts. Maybe counselling would be something to look at if you find that your thoughts are becoming intrusive.

Original poster

Hawaiiinthemorning · 31/12/2021 23:36

@UltraVividLament

If you've cut contact then he isn't in your life now, and you can start to reduce the amount of headspace you are giving him.

Easier said than done. My mother is still in my life and as a single mum she helps with childcare.

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UltraVividLament · 31/12/2021 23:39

Yes, it is much easier said than done. And it sounds like you haven't been able to cut contact due to maintaining contact with your mother.

How much interaction are you having to have with him atm? Can you reduce it in any way?

Original poster

Hawaiiinthemorning · 31/12/2021 23:40

@RunningFromInsanity

Your father having an affair, irrelevant whether it’s with a man or woman, is between him and your mother. If she chooses to accept that and move on, that’s her prerogative.

Fair enough, but he’s actually very homophobic and I think that says a lot

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EmiliaAirheart · 31/12/2021 23:40

I know it’s not easy to go it alone, but that said, there are safety nets in the UK that don’t exist elsewhere in the world. Like fuck would I let my child spend time with people I hated, when there is other support available.

Original poster

Hawaiiinthemorning · 31/12/2021 23:43

@UltraVividLament

Yes, it is much easier said than done. And it sounds like you haven't been able to cut contact due to maintaining contact with your mother.

How much interaction are you having to have with him atm? Can you reduce it in any way?

My mother provides much needed childcare at my house twice a week. I really wish I had other options but can’t afford at the minute. There’s no chance he’s there I’m not .

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Original poster

Hawaiiinthemorning · 31/12/2021 23:45

@EmiliaAirheart

I know it’s not easy to go it alone, but that said, there are safety nets in the UK that don’t exist elsewhere in the world. Like fuck would I let my child spend time with people I hated, when there is other support available.

My mum is a shite mum but a good grandma, there’s no chance he’s there when I’m not.

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Exasperatedhousehunter · 31/12/2021 23:45

He’s no doubt homophobic because he is gay/bi himself and probably struggles with self-loathing. I’m pretty sure my dad who was emotionally abusive to me is autistic (I am too but only dx as an adult). Realising that has made it much easier to cope with some of the stuff that happened. As has realising that I can’t change any of my family members but I can change how I react to them.

pinkmink · 31/12/2021 23:47

It’s interesting that you say “ I’ve never had a relationship as I knew I couldn’t bring anyone home”.

How much do you think you relationship with your dad has affected your view of other men? And with regard to bringing people home do you feel embarrassed or scared?

Original poster

Hawaiiinthemorning · 31/12/2021 23:48

@Exasperatedhousehunter

He’s no doubt homophobic because he is gay/bi himself and probably struggles with self-loathing. I’m pretty sure my dad who was emotionally abusive to me is autistic (I am too but only dx as an adult). Realising that has made it much easier to cope with some of the stuff that happened. As has realising that I can’t change any of my family members but I can change how I react to them.

Definitely. We watched a documentary about survivors of csa and he called them. “Soft” I knew in that moment it has happened to him

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Quirkyme · 31/12/2021 23:48

@Exasperatedhousehunter

Try to stay positive! He isn’t worth the headspace you’re giving him. Even though he wore you down, you went it alone and had your DD and you can make her future so different to what you grew up with. I think having an abusive dad really destroys your self-confidence as a woman but you just have to keep fighting against those negative thoughts. Maybe counselling would be something to look at if you find that your thoughts are becoming intrusive.

I agree with this.

OP please do seek counselling. It will me of massive benefit . 🤎

Original poster

Hawaiiinthemorning · 31/12/2021 23:53

@pinkmink

It’s interesting that you say “ I’ve never had a relationship as I knew I couldn’t bring anyone home”.

How much do you think you relationship with your dad has affected your view of other men? And with regard to bringing people home do you feel embarrassed or scared?

Embarrassed definitely. I wouldn’t have even invited friends home, they envied themselves. He defo seen me as a possession and would have acted intimidatingly towards a young lad. Another thing that really made me feel bad growing up-say I had a friend Jane he’d have said janes mother is a right slag, stay away. But if Jane had come to the door it would have been all hi Jane how are you?? Hypocritical cunt

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Original poster

Hawaiiinthemorning · 31/12/2021 23:59

@pinkmink

It’s interesting that you say “ I’ve never had a relationship as I knew I couldn’t bring anyone home”.

How much do you think you relationship with your dad has affected your view of other men? And with regard to bringing people home do you feel embarrassed or scared?

I always thought any decent guy who shown interest must have something wrong with him to be interested in me. The derogatory comments I’ve had since early childhood

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Nocutenamesleft · 01/01/2022 00:55

@Hawaiiinthemorning

I get it. The posters saying don’t give him headspace. It’s not that easy.

Oh love. Please try to keep smiling. I’ll always chat if you need it xx

Exasperatedhousehunter · 01/01/2022 01:07

Just remember that this isn’t your fault. It sounds like your dad has his own pretty major issues (and CSA can totally destroy someone for life but that doesn’t excuse his behaviour to you). You’re your own person, you can build a future for you and your DD. You are not who he says you are - he doesn’t have that power to define you. You’re already doing so well by not exposing your DD to your dad - you’re being a good and strong mum to her. If you want a relationship in the future, that’s something you can think about but you probably should work on yourself first though.