…to feel like I’m past it

[Bunnyfuller]

I’m 55 this year. I’m about a stone more than I should be, grey more than anything else without the help of dye and I feel frumpy, unattractive and invisible to men.

DH and I rarely intimate, my fault as I really am horrified at my body (stomach huge and overhanging). I’m completely through the menopause and thankfully no lingering symptoms. I play an online game and a male player there started flirting with me, stopped the second he saw a pic of me. I didn’t want the flirting to go anywhere, I wasn’t attracted to him but the attention felt amazing. I realise he was a shallow idiot acting as he did, but it just underlined and felt like a confirmation of how I feel about myself.

I struggled with turning 50, it felt really old to me, and I still feel like I’m mourning my youth and looks I had but didn’t know until too late!

I’m not one for being immaculately groomed, but I do feel so terribly unfeminine now, and miss the look you get from someone who finds you pretty.

Please be gentle with me, I know there’s far worse things to be sad about but it feels crap 😞

Anyone? Before I disappear off the page? 🤔

Bless you. I get where your coming from.

What would help you to feel better about yourself? Does DH know how you feel?
55 isn't old. It's just a number.

Online guy sounds like a knob.

Thanks @Beachtrip

I want to feel attractive to men again. Not to run off with one but just enough to still feel like a woman, not a grey old womble. I have spoken to DH a bit, but he doesn’t get it, and tbh it’s more vain than just him still finding me attractive! I used to enjoy still getting attention even though I was settled with DH, and it gave me a glow that would then lead to more physical intimacy with DH - I felt attractive and so more sensual.

I don’t think continual WFH has helped because I barely am out for long enough anyway, and when I do I’m channelling Waynetta Slob (minus the cigarette).

Thanks for replying. Just after my thread I read one about someone sick of looking young! We can’t be happy!

Do you actually want to have sex, or do you want him to want to have sex with you ?
What have you done to change the things you don’t like ?

@GoodnightGrandma the sex would be a side effect of feeling attractive again. It’s probably a bit pathetic but feeling generally fanciable (not discounting DH, and certainly not looking for anything outside, but it’s a bit like your mum saying, I think you’re gorgeous - it’s like a given and doesn’t actually make me feel any different to mumsy/middle aged me).

I am no doubt hankering after something that’s never going to happen, but I just don’t feel feminine any more, not since turning 50 and the menopause.

I’ve lost a stone and a half, just through eating a bit less greedily and a bit more healthily. I have nice clothes for when we go out, do make up etc. I need at least another stone off. Happy to hear any (kind) advice.

Well done for losing the weight, it’s something I just can’t do.
I’m watching this thread for tips !

@GoodnightGrandma hah! Don’t tell me well done for the weight - I’m on injectable methotrexate and another med for inflammatory arthritis and the side effects for me are nausea and reduced appetite!

I had a heart attack in 2019 and lost 2 1/2 stone but lockdown/life led me to the fridge a bit too much so glad it’s coming off again!

You start feeling good about you, I get the invisible bit, 59 been on my own 21 years not through choice.
I like me, feel generally ok , and make best of stuff, tho a nice man ( better eyes, vision issues, brain to eyes) would be good.
Beauty comes within to an extent

At 54 you are definitely not past it. I know you say you’re through the meno with no symptoms but what you describe sounds a bit like the ‘personality disintegration’ that is a classic meno symptom. Feeling a lesser person than you were. Have you considered seeing a meno specialist? HRT? Just a suggestion.
You’ve done well with your weight loss. I’m 51 and I’m trying to lose some timber. Key things that help me are HRT, exercise, decent hair cut and colour, trying to always have something in the diary to look forward to and counting my blessings. Attention from men isn’t like it was when I was younger obv and these days it’s my gorgeous teenage daughter who gets the admiring glances - I’ve had my day as a young hottie and now I’m happy to be a cougar lol. I’ve no doubt you’re very attractive OP - what you are describing is a mindset and it can be changed xx

I’m not dismissing your feelings, and I do understand about feeling shitty about ones self, but 50 is no age! You get some knock dead gorgeous women, who are real women at 50 and you can be one too, because it isn’t what you look like, it’s what you feel like that’s the trick. Confidence is everything!

I think sorting your hair out and investing in a bit of grooming would give you a confidence boost. Some light fake tan on my face makes me feel a bit more attractive. Am not talking orange, over done make up, but a healthy golden glow! Also incorporating exercise into your routine. I think it is very possible to look gorgeous still at 55. Tomorrow is the first day of a new year. With a bit of self care, you can be a new you in no time!

Thanks ladies.

HRT, alas, is forbidden following a heart attack. I do remember the wonderful energy boost from it, but I was taken off it almost as soon as the stents were in.

I agree about the hair, I’m sort of a bushy/curly when it fancies it, and am not a blow dry gal. Never will be. I’m very pale and interesting (Irish colouring) so a tan makes me look weird!

It is a mindset, and I feel in a vicious circle, because I k ow from when I still had it I would walk into a room, mentally thinking I was Marilyn Monroe, chestnut, tummy in and it worked. Now is uttering like Pauline from Eastenders, and want to kick myself in the throat. 😞🙈😂

I’m thinking of starting a chair burlesque dance class as jumpy Zumba prohibited by joints. Surely I won’t be the most ridiculous thing people have seen?

Get yourself to a gym and invest in some lessons with a personal trainer. It will be totally worth it.

Hi @Aquamarine1029 don’t have that sort of money to spare, unfortunately. Had a personal trainer after my heart attack (NHS) and it was brilliant but the cost is just prohibitive for us paying ourselves.

My thread makes me feel even more like I’m feeling!

I'd like to be 55 again. Don't waste time worrying about being 55 because one day you'll look back and realise what a waste it was. You've done well losing the weight and you'll lose the rest, soon it will be spring and you will be able to get some lovely new clothes, if you don't like grey hair get a good hairdresser to sort that out. I know it can be hard to find the money for these things but I hope you can sort that.

You are right it is a mindset and you can reset that. We are in a new year so the right time for a new start and the dance class sounds just the job. Have a fabulous 2022.

You survived a heart attack! You’ve been through so much that I’m not surprised you feel a bit shit at the moment. Have you tried low carb? That can be great for dropping weight quickly and giving an energy boost. Try to do some weight training as well.
As others say, age is literally a number. Why should the number of times the earth has circled the sun impact on how you feel? And like a pp said, when you’re 70, you’ll wish you were 55 and you’ll realise it’s no age at all. Maybe find some inspirational Instagram accounts by older ladies too to motivate you and show you what is possible.

You are all lovely people on this thread and I thank you. I’m going to try to embrace what I tell my young teenage DDs - if you can’t change their behaviour, change your reaction.

Wish me luck with my ‘don’t do as I do’ tactics

Congratulations on losing weight and surviving a heart attack to tell the tale.
I'm 56. Every dog has their day.

If you have curly hair, do you follow the curly girl
method, and do you have a hairdresser who knows how to deal with curly hair properly? If the answer to either is no, I recommend looking into this. The fact that you refer to your hair as 'bushy' makes me think you would benefit from learning more about how to look after curls.

I use Spring hair salon in Birmingham. A lot of people travel from across the country to go there, as they really know what they're doing with curls.

Dye your hair at home it saves a fortune. I use Loving Care semi permanent. I never use the permanent ones.

Wear an old t shirt and use an old towel and it is very easy.

You can pick up good hair dyes in Wilkos.

The invisibility thing hit me hard. But actually, when I genuinely stopped giving a shit about it, I stopped being invisible. So in hindsight, I think it was my own lack of confidence once I hit a certain age, that made me “invisible”. I’m a bit overweight. My hair is completely grey because I refuse to dye it anymore, though I do have a good cut. I’m not particularly stylish or pretty! But I am happy and confident now. That’s the key.

I think you are amazing! I'm 55 and starting to look my age. My hair is always cut and coloured, I go to the gym but I have at least 2 more stone to lose and I look good once I've made an effort.

I know what you mean, if you get attention you feel more attractive so you then get more attention.

I'm going to try to make more of an effort more often because it cheers me up.

I think the being invisible thing is psychological to a large extent, as some of you have said. A lot of it is just having confidence in yourself and feeling good. Who gives a shit about what some random guy on the Internet thinks anyway? I do think it’s possibly harder if you were very conventionally attractive when younger and don’t get the same level of attention. I don’t think I ever had that though. I remember being 21 and feeling ugly and never being the one that men fancied. In a way that’s been a blessing to me because I didn’t feel I had any looks to lose. I’m in my late 30s now and I might feel differently when I hit my 50s and menopause effects kick in but for now I’m okay. I exercise, eat well and use prescription skincare to feel better about myself rather than to attract male attention. I know so many stunning intelligent women in their 50s and above though and they seem far from invisible to me. I do appreciate that I’m not a man though .