I don't know how to let go

[Loopylou6]

25 years I've been with my husband. Some of you may have read my posts regarding him before.
He's an alcoholic who goes on binges pretty much every month.
He's been in hospital and nearly died
Got arrested last month when I called the police on him
Had a DVPO served on him
Wasn't allowed home for 28 days
I left a couple of weeks ago and was put in a refuge, but I missed my home so much, I went back. I'm currently being supported by the DV team.
He's drinking again, but says it's my fault because I don't have meals ready for him. He's been in bed since 2pm, I'm feeling very lonely, but also happy he's away from me.
He goes out to the shop in the morning and buys wine and secretly drinks it, then denies it to me whilst he stumbling round.
I'm hurting so bad, I don't know how to deal with it 😭

Go back to the refuge.

hi OP, could you try going away for a few weeks somewhere? Just a short away stay with someone you care about to get your head together. You might find it helps you change your perspective a bit, but the commitment is not "forever" and may help you get your head around leaving or next steps. I'd also suggest some therapy.

Are there children around? He is an abusive alcoholic. Find a safe place and leave. What was it you missed?

You now make a choice:

1. This is your life. The only life you get and you’re choosing this Hell for it.

1. You leave, stay left, and have a better life.

Choice is yours ultimately.

Op I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but honestly if you don’t do something now this will go on for the rest of your life. Do you really want to be in this same situation in 20/30 years? Sorry but he won’t change x

Thanks for replies.
I have severe anxiety, and I missed my own things and my cats 🙄
The kids are grown up, but still live at home.
Is it my fault though? I don't have a meal for him when he comes home from work ( a job he's probably lost because he's not been in since 6th Dec due to his drinking ) he says if I did that, then he wouldn't drink. I do offer but he always wants takeaway.
He's had seizures in the past due to alcohol and I'm scared it'll happen again

Of course it’s not your fault. Can you make plans to move somewhere you can take your cats and things? He won’t change.

No I don't want this, but he's all I've known since I was 14. I'm now 39. I don't know how I'd cope, I'd feel like a limb is copied off 😪

Chopped*

You’d cope a lot better without an alcoholic holding you back and causing you anxiety. What support are the DV team giving? Are you and the kids safe?

Yes, he's a verbally nasty drunk, and I would be able to physically defend myself against him. So would the kids. Thank you for asking.
The DV team are waiting until I have a free hour away from him to make a plan, the refuge referred me

I can't work due to MH Issues, and he keeps telling me that anything I eat or drink is thanks to him :(

One day either you or your dc eill find him dead or dying if he carries on like this. The meal is a red herring, he is gaslighting you . Even if you did produce food to his order it would not be enough. Sadly you and the dc are not enough of an incentive for him to change. His abuse and control has damaged your perspective and you need to be apart for you to rationalise the situation, with specialist support.

Thank you x

Apply for divorce and force house sale?

Are you having treatment for your MH issues? I bet they would be a whole lot better without him.

39 is young. You’ve got potentially 40 even 50 years left, your life can have peace, friendships even fun… you’re robbing yourself. Would you want this life for your daughter/ child? If it wouldn’t be good enough for them it’s not good enough for you. You don’t owe him a dinner or a backwards glance tbh

Are you in rented accommodation? If so, who is named ?
You really need to think about you. I feel very sure that an animal rescue charity could take care of your cats for a short term. Or maybe a cat fosterer.

You shouldn't be living with him as he'll drag you down even more.

Is there someone who could put you up temporarily?

Maybe going back to the refuge could help with your application to social housing.

I'm so very sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

Yanbu to feel sad and lonely :(
These feelings are very normal, I’m sorry you are going through this. Although as pp have said, this is your choice now. Let this miserable life remain yours or leave him and change your life for the better.

There's no easy way to do it unfortunately. You know you need to leave and yes the first few weeks are hell, but after that the scales will fall from your eyes and you will never look back.
None of the drinking is your fault, they just raise the bar higher and higher so you will always offend them in some way so that they can carry on drinking ( and say its your fault). Save the lives you can save..yours and the children's. Stop enabling him and focus on your own future.