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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends over 40??

31 replies

autieok · 31/12/2021 17:57

Just wanting others experience of friendships. I've had two close friends most of my life and we alway went through everything together but the past ten years our lives have grown apart and now we 'catch up' every few months usually an hour at one persons house we message but don't really talk properly anymore. I've had other friends through work or children but they have moved on or we drifted apart. I'm 43 and other than those two old friends I have a couple of mums from school that I occasionally meet for a walk or coffee but it's quite superficial attempts to change that have not really happened. My oh has a group of friends we see a couple of times a year but he's not very social so he's quite happy with that. I've tried to arrange meets ups with these friends but most of time it doesn't happen (even pre covid) which leaves me feeling fed up. I miss having a close connection with female friends. Having a young child I don't really have the time or energy to meet new friends either. Aibu? Or is it normal for friendships to be less prevalent the older you get?

OP posts:
catfunk · 31/12/2021 17:59

I made friends with a bunch of women at a gym class and we see eachother regularly. All in 40s. We live fairly closely though in a densely populated area so more chance of meeting people I suppose - maybe it depends where you live too?

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2021 18:01

Nope. Joined the WI in my late 50s and I've made some great friends.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 31/12/2021 18:02

Not in my case. I’ve made more real friends than I did in my teens / early twenties. Think it’s cos I don’t try be anyone else other than me now.

Jessicabrassica · 31/12/2021 18:04

I found most of my closest friends at 42 and onwards... Youngest child had just started school and I met different networks of people. I don't think I have ever had such solid friends as I do now. We're now weathering high school teenage dramas together.

Hopefully your new friends are just around the corner!

Comedycook · 31/12/2021 18:05

I think when I was in my late teen and twenties I lived my life with my friends.

In my thirties and forties, I live my life and tell my friends about it occasionally.

Hope that makes some sort of sense!

irregularegular · 31/12/2021 18:06

I think experiences vary wildly. I don't think yours is unusual. However personally I am now 50 and have more friends and closer friends than I have ever had, certainly as an adult (I did have a couple of close best friends as a child/young teen). I think it is partly that I have lived here longer than any place previously (16 years). I am more confident and have slowly learned how to build female friendships. I didn't know how when I was younger - and it just takes me a very long time!

Original poster
autieok · 31/12/2021 18:06

@Nanny0gg

Nope. Joined the WI in my late 50s and I've made some great friends.
Yeah I'm guessing there's more social ops when kids are older
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Original poster
autieok · 31/12/2021 18:07

@Comedycook

I think when I was in my late teen and twenties I lived my life with my friends.

In my thirties and forties, I live my life and tell my friends about it occasionally.

Hope that makes some sort of sense!

Yes it does thank you!
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SkankingMopoke · 31/12/2021 18:20

This hasn't been my experience OP. Within my pre-DC friendship group we are aged between late 30s to late 40s. Most of us have DCs now, but different ages, and we are still all as close as we were. We see each other less, but keep up with messaging inbetween and when we meet up everything picks straight up. Since having DCs I have also made new friends through getting involved in local playgroups and now the PA. I have more and better friends now that I did as a child/teen.

DillonPanthersTexas · 31/12/2021 18:24

I meet up with my uni friends as a group about twice a year. My close 40 something regular friends are a mix of people from the various sports clubs I am a member of, a few work colleagues and people from the street I live on.

likeafishneedsabike · 31/12/2021 19:29

@Comedycook

I think when I was in my late teen and twenties I lived my life with my friends.

In my thirties and forties, I live my life and tell my friends about it occasionally.

Hope that makes some sort of sense!

This is it in a nutshell for me.
Mary46 · 31/12/2021 19:42

I found PA very clickey she didnt really want new mums in group. I have prob 3 really good friends feel thats all I need. I did do walking but feel she not as invested in the friendship now. Im 48 op. Its not as easy to make friends as people think. A school mam great her son in my dd class so we alot common

Original poster
autieok · 01/01/2022 01:06

@Jessicabrassica 😊 thank you

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Original poster
autieok · 01/01/2022 01:08

@Comedycook do you feel fulfilled by your friendships.? It sounds similar to me but do me it feels lacking.

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shivermetimbers77 · 01/01/2022 01:23

I could have written your post OP so you’re not alone. I’m 43 and have a 7 year old DS. I have various groups of friends from school, uni, various jobs etc but contact seems to have really tailed off since I had my son and particularly since the pandemic. The odd message here and there, and occasional meet ups instigated by me. I am friendly to school mums but nothing has really ‘taken off’ and it’s all still at the acquaintances stage. It feels ok now as my son and full time work keep me busy but I worry about feeling lonely as I get older and I miss those long nights putting the world to rights with friends over a bottle of wine. Feels like I haven’t done that in yonks!

Shockedmama · 01/01/2022 07:22

I’m feeling the same too! Miss my old close friendships I certainly feel like perhaps it’s my fault though as I was so taken up with being a single mum studying then working I wasn’t a grea friend!

Original poster
autieok · 01/01/2022 11:47

@Shockedmama

I’m feeling the same too! Miss my old close friendships I certainly feel like perhaps it’s my fault though as I was so taken up with being a single mum studying then working I wasn’t a grea friend!
Thank you yes I have a young son with additional needs so it's possible I've not been as attentive a friend too.
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Original poster
autieok · 01/01/2022 11:51

@shivermetimbers77

I could have written your post OP so you’re not alone. I’m 43 and have a 7 year old DS. I have various groups of friends from school, uni, various jobs etc but contact seems to have really tailed off since I had my son and particularly since the pandemic. The odd message here and there, and occasional meet ups instigated by me. I am friendly to school mums but nothing has really ‘taken off’ and it’s all still at the acquaintances stage. It feels ok now as my son and full time work keep me busy but I worry about feeling lonely as I get older and I miss those long nights putting the world to rights with friends over a bottle of wine. Feels like I haven’t done that in yonks!
Yes!! I only work part time as my son needs me so perhaps feel it more but then don't really have the time to invest in new friendships. My works not social either. It was a lot easier in 20/30's but perhaps I had more time to maintain friendships.
OP posts:
Comedycook · 01/01/2022 11:51

[quote autieok]@Comedycook do you feel fulfilled by your friendships.? It sounds similar to me but do me it feels lacking. [/quote]
Not particularly...when I do manage to catch up with everyone, I really enjoy it, but in all honesty, everyone has so much going on in their lives that it's a rarity.

My friendships aren't a huge part of my life anymore. More an add on.

BeLessMe · 01/01/2022 11:52

My experience is like yours op.

I feel I’m in for a very lonely old age -it’s scary.
I’ve tried classes, activities (pre Covid) and I did try to initiate meet ups with those on the school run but no luck. DC now older teen so even less chance of finding friends now.

Beamur · 01/01/2022 11:56

I think it's natural that friendships change over time. Some of my 'mum' friends have become good friends but most have fallen away but are pleasant friendly acquaintances when I see them.
I'm early 50's and have made some unexpected new friendships through some voluntary work I started about 5 years ago.

Alittlenonsensenowandthen · 01/01/2022 13:15

Yup, feel totally the same although I feel it's partly because we moved just before pandemic and therefore I haven't had chance to really invest in friendships in my new place. Covid really highlighted who my friends are as they are the ones I made an effort to contact and vice versa. I have a nice bunch of friends but all spread across the country and none know each other. I do slightly envy friends who have the same circle from school /NCT/work etc.
I think it is harder in your 40s. I neither have the time or energy to invest in new friendships and the problem is I already have friends, I just live far from them so there's not the incentive either! But I have moments when I miss having a local bunch to go to the pub with or something.

Original poster
autieok · 01/01/2022 16:41

@Alittlenonsensenowandthen yes that makes sense. Starting from scratch is hard and with friendships unless it's through work or a hobby it would be hard to find time to invest in it.

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Original poster
autieok · 01/01/2022 16:42

@Beamur

I think it's natural that friendships change over time. Some of my 'mum' friends have become good friends but most have fallen away but are pleasant friendly acquaintances when I see them. I'm early 50's and have made some unexpected new friendships through some voluntary work I started about 5 years ago.
Thank you I have considered doing volunteering at some point.
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Cameleongirl · 01/01/2022 16:56

My children are teenagers now and I’ve made some good Mum friends through their activities. I have a very close friend from their nursery days, one group of Mum friends from DD’s year at primary school, and I’ve recently made friends with a group through DS’s soccer team.

Of course, I don’t always click with people, I didn’t particularly click with the Mums in DS’s year at primary and I’ve hardly met anyone from his secondary school as he started during the pandemic! Same with DD (16), I started to make a few friends through her school but then Covid struck so most fizzled.

I think you’ll meet some people along the way whom you click with, OP, give it time. The past two years have been so challenging friendship-wise.