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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overprotective or responsible parent

35 replies

nicegirl73 · 31/12/2021 16:42

…or something in between?
My son is a couple days from 16. He has a group of friends he speaks with online lots lately and they all go to the same school, but haven’t known each other all that long and we are new to this town.

A 14-15 year old girl , who I have met briefly is having a New Year’s Eve sleepover with one more girl and 2-3 other boys and my son is invited.

My son is furious with me for saying I needed to talk to her parents before even considering this.

Surely that’s the minimum any patent would want?

AIBU? Or am I not?

(I have since spoken to her mum and she will be present and there won’t be alcohol)

I do generally trust my son but I’ve seen friends children go off the rails at this age too..

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 31/12/2021 16:48

Nah, I see why it's embarrassing for him but you did right imo

dumplings1 · 31/12/2021 16:50

You did the right thing to check

Diddytv · 31/12/2021 16:50

My kids are t at this stage yet but from what I have heard from other parents who are, it is the ultimate embarrassment to have your parents want to speak to the hosting parents first! Seems like the right thing to do in my opinion though

Diddytv · 31/12/2021 16:51

I think the more parents around that insist on doing this all the better. It should be normal to do this

Xmasiscancelledagain · 31/12/2021 16:53

It's embarrassing for him but the right thing to do as a parent I'd say.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 31/12/2021 16:54

Honestly at almost 16 I think you are being unreasonable. If he was 12-14 then I would maybe see your wanting to check but at nearly 16 I think you need to let go a little and stop judging him by the standards of other kids.

Dixiechickonhols · 31/12/2021 16:57

I’ve a teen exactly same age and I don’t think you are unreasonable. I’ve met parents of any house DD sleeps over at. She has had same friends group more or less since yr 7 though.

ANameChangeAgain · 31/12/2021 16:58

I think its the right thing to do. I'm not in the camp that says 16yos are adults. Her parents will think better of your family for it too.

Offdutyfrom5 · 31/12/2021 17:01

You definitely did the right thing, but also understandable he’s embarrassed. It’s a right of passage, my mum did this and I was convinced it would ruin potential friendships/how I’m perceived. Better to be safe than sorry, though my teenage self would disagree.

I also think it’s good you checked as you mention he’s pretty much 16 and one of the girls is 14. Although not a big age gap, I think at that age it seems bigger…potential yr 11 sleeping over at a potentially yr 9 (maybe 10) girls house.

Really glad he’s made new friends as hard when new in town but please make sure he knows the implications when he turns 16 in a couple of days if anything were to happen with the younger girls/guys.

Sounds like you’re doing a great job as a mum even if it feels hard knowing the right thing to do at times like this.

rookiemere · 31/12/2021 17:04

It's a really tricky age. DS is 15 (almost 16) and blithely announced that he was going to a friends tonight and getting the bus home after midnight. Then changed to would stay with a friend, and now no longer going out.

If he had been staying with the friend I would have texted the DM as I know her, ostensibly to thank her, but mostly to check where he'd be Grin. However plan has changed again and he's staying at home.

At the age of 15, I'd expect to have met at least one DP before they slept over anywhere.

BewareTheRedNosedDragon · 31/12/2021 17:09

I think it's very weird for teens of that age to have a mixed sex sleepover - can't actually believe the other parent has agreed to host such a thing. I would have checked too and I don't know if I'd let mine go even then, but perhaps I'm the weird one. I never had any mixed sex sleepovers as a child or teen until it was a boyfriend sleeping over 1:1, specifically discussed and allowed by both sets of parents with all the implications of that.

Original poster
nicegirl73 · 31/12/2021 17:10

Thank you all, I was prepared to be slated but I am the adult one after all. I do understand that it must be embarrassing for him and yes as someone points out, implications when he does turn 16 is scary, it’s already scary before 16. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
nicegirl73 · 31/12/2021 17:11

@BewareTheRedNosedDragonyeah totally agree, I would have been uneasy hosting this myself.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 31/12/2021 17:12

Everything you do is embarrassing to 16 yr old dc. Totally right to check with parents

Branster · 31/12/2021 17:16

You absolutely did the right thing. Of course he'd find it embarrassing but everything you do or don't do as a parent is embarrassing for your teenager.

icedcoffees · 31/12/2021 17:19

Sorry, I think you're being hugely overprotective considering he'll be sixteen in a couple of days.

I'm not in the "16yos are adults" camp but I do think they're at the age where they don't need their parents ringing their friends' parents and checking up on them.

Assuming your son has a mobile, I would be making sure he takes a charger and keeps his phone switched on, and I would be making sure I had an address so I knew where he was just in case something happened.

Harpydragon · 31/12/2021 17:21

My DS is 17 and been attending mixed sexed sleepovers for the last year. We insist that we have the address where he's staying, but don't call the parents to check up on him. Sometimes drop him off. Sometimes pick him up but other than that don't contact other parents. We might be foolish, but we trust our son and his friends. He knows he can call us at any time if he feels unsafe or for any other reason and we will go collect him from wherever he is, whatever the time, with no recrimination.

They are at the age of finding their feet and in all honesty can legally leave home at 16, you have to start trusting them at some point.

If your son has never given you any reason to doubt him, why would you not trust him?

Puremule · 31/12/2021 17:22

You did the right thing, My teen would be mortified but I would do the same.

marly2 · 31/12/2021 17:25

Good for you. I would have done this - eldest DS now 20. Once he was slightly older and he was going to parties I always said I would drop him off and check an adult was there. Sometimes I didn't actually do this but since the threat was there he knew he was going to have to fess up if there was actually going to be no adult at all ... in which case he wouldn't have gone. I think at this age you do need to have some knowledge of the family even if you've just been to the house and said hello.

C152 · 31/12/2021 17:26

I think he's lucky you're letting him go at all! There's no way my mum would have allowed me to go to a mixed sleep over.

And no, you're not being overprotective; you're being a responsible parent by calling to check that the other parents knew about this and would be present.

Onaloop · 31/12/2021 17:29

When i was 15 I told my parents i was going on a duke of edinburgh excursion with school, I actually took a coach 9 hours across the country to meet a boy and noone knew I was going. Luckily nothing untoward happened. Extreme example but YANBU to check.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 31/12/2021 17:33

No you did the right thing. My almost 17 year old wasn't happy about me asking for the address of the party he's going to tonight but he also knew he wouldn't be allowed to go if he didn't give it to me.

I find it a bit odd that 16 year old boys want to go on a sleepover with 14 year old girls though

MintJulia · 31/12/2021 17:35

She's under age, you're right to check it's ok.

girlmom21 · 31/12/2021 17:35

I think you did the right thing because of the girls age to be honest - especially if your concern was whether adults would be there.

SheWoreYellow · 31/12/2021 17:37

That would be very unusual with my children and their friends at that age.

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