My parents influence on DS

[roseMAR]

Long story short, took DS (4y/o) round to see my parents. As we were leaving DS turns around and starts calling my dad "misog" and "miserable", I asked who told him that and he said "nanny taught me" and continued saying it. My dad was getting annoyed and my mum laughing, so I told DS we don't call people names as it hurts their feelings and he's not to say it again. Then told my mum off for teaching him it.

Mum turns to DS and tells him to ignore me as if she says he, he can too. So he carries on. I start putting his coat on as i just want to leave and cool off and DS tells me he can do it himself and pushes my hands away. My dad then grabs DS from behind, shakes him by the shoulders, shouts in his ear that he's to listen to me, and pushes him back to me.

I'm horrified. DS was bereft as he's never experienced something like that. Both my parents used physical discipline on me as their only form of discipline and I've told them multiple times DH and I don't use physical discipline on our children.

I'm annoyed (major understatement) as
A) my mum shouldn't be teaching her grandchildren to call people names
B) how dare she undermine my parenting in front of DS
C) how dare my dad so that to DS after telling them multiple times violence is a no go
D) neither of them have apologised

AIBU to want to cut contact with my parents as I feel like neither of them are a good or healthy influence on my kids.

Thanks x

Yanbu. you must know now that you need to cut contact. These are not people you want your ds to be around.

@Restart10

Yanbu. you must know now that you need to cut contact. These are not people you want your ds to be around.

Thank you, they make me feel like I'm being OTT sometimes and I feel like I'm overreacting but need to put my foot down. I now how damaging physical discipline and having parents who have a very short fuse affects me even as an adult.

Just need to rip the plaster off and I'm dreading it.

Your DM is joking verbally abusive to your DF, and thinks its funny to teach your son the same, and your DF thinks it's OK to rough handle your son? They both sound in an unhappy partnership and should in no way be influencing your DS' behaviour.
LC or NC and explain exactly why their behaviour has resulted in this decision!

You are not being unreasonable at all this is horrific. Your child your rules end of.

My PIL used to teach DS racist words and tell him me and DH were stupid for working when we could stay at home all day with him and claim benefits. We went low contact best thing we have ever done

Ugh. He can't be used as a weapon in their own fucked up dynamic.

Definitely keep well away from the pair of them.

Your mum openly disrespects you and undermines you and your dad took his embarrassment and frustration out on a little boy.

Not a good mix.

Are they usually like this OP? What’s your relationship like with them?

Back away for a good while op..

OP, I don’t know why you started a thread then immediately name changed, but it means that anyone reading your thread can’t see your posts highlighted, which is very annoying, and makes it look like you haven’t returned to your own thread.

Anyway, what did you do/say after your Dad did that? It’s so important that your DS knows that you don’t think that’s okay.

YANBU I’d massively reduce contact until DS is a good bit older.
Can you try and keep meetings short and on neutral grounds at a park or visitor attraction?

Sounds like they are using your son to try and score points against one another. It sounds like they don't like each other?

@Snuggledupforwinter

Your DM is joking verbally abusive to your DF, and thinks its funny to teach your son the same, and your DF thinks it's OK to rough handle your son? They both sound in an unhappy partnership and should in no way be influencing your DS' behaviour. LC or NC and explain exactly why their behaviour has resulted in this decision!

It's funny that you should point out that they're unhappy - they've recently got back together after 6 years apart and it's clear as day that it's not working.

I just want to leave them to get on with it and focus on me and my family (DH and DC) x

@HelloDulling

OP, I don’t know why you started a thread then immediately name changed, but it means that anyone reading your thread can’t see your posts highlighted, which is very annoying, and makes it look like you haven’t returned to your own thread.

Anyway, what did you do/say after your Dad did that? It’s so important that your DS knows that you don’t think that’s okay.

Oh goodness I've only just realised, it deleted my username when I went to reply to the first comment so I re-entered it but wrong. Changed it back now so I hope people don't think I've posted and run!

Thank you for your advice, it's all really helpful x

@Arethechildreninbedyet

Your mum openly disrespects you and undermines you and your dad took his embarrassment and frustration out on a little boy.

Not a good mix.

Are they usually like this OP? What’s your relationship like with them?

Not a good one, a lot of hurtful things have been said in recent years. So I think I've reached breaking point.

Sounds a bit silly but I'm in my late 20s now and going through a bit of character development, realising a lot of things - in particular my worth. So I'm taking this as an opportunity to better myself, I hope!

@HelloDulling

OP, I don’t know why you started a thread then immediately name changed, but it means that anyone reading your thread can’t see your posts highlighted, which is very annoying, and makes it look like you haven’t returned to your own thread.

Anyway, what did you do/say after your Dad did that? It’s so important that your DS knows that you don’t think that’s okay.

I took him straight home, didn't even say goodbye. In the car and when we got home I asked him how he was feeling, gave him a cuddle and reiterated what DH and I always tell him, that when we feel angry we do deep breaths and think of being at the sea. I explained grandad didn't do that and it wasn't nice and mummy isn't happy with grandad as it hurt his (DS) feelings and mummies. I promised i won't let it happen again.

Feel awful for DS as it was such a shock, like I said DH and I are trying our absolute best at gentle parenting and listening to DS.

I don't want DS thinking this is ok, his fault or that we don't care - because I'm livid and don't plan on speaking to my dad c

If my parents or in-laws laid a hand on my child, their feet wouldn’t touch the fucking ground. You need to seriously consider whether you want these people in your child’s life. I’m so sorry you and your kid had to experience this.

Did you say anything to your ds about pushing your hands away?

Thank you all for your supportive words and encouragement.

I don't plan on speaking to either of them, and when they contact me I'll say to them how unacceptable today was and how due to the fact I've discussed things with them before and that this happened in front of me , I don't feel comfortable with them having unsupervised contact with DS and would like them to meet us on days out - instead of at either of our homes.

Feeling deflated but much better after reading all your replies so thank you x

@RedHelenB

Did you say anything to your ds about pushing your hands away?

After he pushed my hands away I within a second started explaining that I was trying to help as we needed to get home for lunch but before I had the chance to get half way through my dad grabbed him.

Which not only infuriated me because how dare he lay his hands on him, but also because that in itself undermines my parenting. I was trying to explain to DS at his level and get us out of an uncomfortable situation, not terrify him.