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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think our friendship group is over?

23 replies

Dailywalk · 30/12/2021 16:07

Is it unreasonable to think I can keep this friendship going? Group of 4 of us meet regularly and have known each other for 10+years. We all live close to each other and have kids similar ages. Over the years our families have got to know each other and I would feel left out if the three of them met without asking me.
Problem is one of the four I find myself increasingly fed up with. We often disagree on things and don’t have much in common anymore. If we were to meet now rather than a decade ago I don’t think we would start up a friendship. Some friendships naturally run their course I suppose. She is very opinionated and the conversation is often one sided with little or no interest shown to what I’m up to or what I might like /think.
I don’t get any joy from this relationship anymore. I often get the feeling she thinks I am not as intelligent as she is.
Can I create distance between one member of the group or will this be the end for all four of us? I don’t want the group to fracture but equally I don’t like how things are right now. Has anyone been through similar and how did it work out? I don’t know how to look after myself without stepping away completely.

OP posts:

IncompleteSenten · 30/12/2021 16:12

Maybe some 1:1 meet ups for a coffee? Break it up a bit

You'll look like a total cow if you do anything to elbow her out but coffee with a single friend is normal. It doesn't have to be a group thing.

Bananarama21 · 30/12/2021 16:28

Like pp meet individually but you can't cut her out of the main group otherwise they could potentially turn on you.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 30/12/2021 16:32

I’d also go down the one to one route. Also decline some group invites if she’s going and go if she can’t make it.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 30/12/2021 16:40

I appreciate that it would be difficult to meet up with the other 2 in a group without her but could you meet up with them 1:1? I think it would be reasonable to stop or reduce contact with her by politely declining group meet ups but still staying in touch with the other two 1:1, then maybe in the future once the group has kind of officially disbanded (or at least your part in it has) you could see about arranging to meet in a group of three with the two you’ve stayed in contact with.

Lou98 · 30/12/2021 16:43

I think really that if you're the one wanting to stop contact with one of the others, it should be you to step back. As others have said, you can meet up with the other two 1:1.

I think it would be pretty horrible of you to try push her out the group when you yourself have said you would be hurt if they met up without you

Kitkat151 · 30/12/2021 17:14

It needs to be you to step back and let the others carry on as a 3

Leeds2 · 30/12/2021 17:22

As previous posters have suggested, meet up with the two people you do like on a one to one basis.
Do you know what the other two think of the one you don't like?

Original poster

Dailywalk · 30/12/2021 17:33

I don’t intend to push her out of the group. I suppose the only other solutions are to detach myself completely or meet with other two on a 1:1 basis. I just want things to be as they were. She didn’t use to be so opinionated or at least I didn’t think so otherwise we wouldn’t have been friends in the first place.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dailywalk · 30/12/2021 17:34

As far as I know they don’t have a problem but then I think she speaks to them differently. I may be imagining things but I get the impression she thinks of me differently too or else I just disagree with her views more than the other two do.

OP posts:

Lou98 · 30/12/2021 17:40

Have you tried talking to her? If you have been friends for 10+ years it would be a shame to end the friendship without talking to her about why.

It could be that she doesn't realise how she's making you feel with her being so opinionated. I would think it's worth a try before ending the friendship completely, although of course sometimes people just do change.

I think you're going to have questions from her to answer though if you suddenly stop going out with the group and just ask the other two to meet 1:1, I'd think it would be fair to at least have a chat with her

justasking111 · 30/12/2021 17:49

Similar set up to OP we've all been through the wringer covid wise there have been changes life wise over the last 15 years. We just let things go that might irritate us. You're not a one to one friendship but a group none of us perfect

Original poster

Dailywalk · 30/12/2021 18:10

@justasking111

You’re right. Covid has a lot to do with it actually. A lot of what we have not seen eye to eye on has been Covid related.

OP posts:

Gardeningcreature · 30/12/2021 18:16

Can you meet up when you know she isn’t going ? Or not sit next to her and chat with one of the others. Otherwise I think you will have to forego the friendship group.

justasking111 · 30/12/2021 18:19

I would suggest that you don't talk about covid you've far more in common than that after all these years.

Covid talk is so boring now you can go round in circles forever and never agree. Must be eye rolling for the other two in the group

TooWicked · 30/12/2021 18:21

I think even suddenly initiating 1:1 meet ups if you've never done it before will soon become obvious.

You don't want to start looking as if you're trying to 'Wendy' her out of the group, it might backfire on you.

UnsuitableHat · 30/12/2021 18:27

If she’s draining you, agree that you could detach from the 4 and see the others 1:1. But is it possible to talk to her? What do the others think of her - is she annoying them too?

MichelleScarn · 30/12/2021 18:28

Agree with the pp who said just try not to discuss covid? Is she a covid denying believes in lizard people person and you are we need to live in a bubble and wash everything in bleach or vice versa?

HikingforScenery · 30/12/2021 18:30

Just avoid covid talk? Or don’t participate if she brings up the topic?
Tbh, it sounds like you two might be the strongest in the group and trying to fight for dominance?

BoodleBug51 · 30/12/2021 18:31

Friendships change. People change. If it's not working for you, then stop joining in.

I left an old group of schoolfriends when someone I didn't particular like was included. They were just very dull but liked to dominate conversation....... and I just didn't want or need to listen to it. Life's too short.

Tiredalwaystired · 30/12/2021 18:47

Sometimes friendships move on and that’s ok. I have had a friend for over 20 years who changed a lot after he got married and I found the things I liked about him got squashed by the changes I didn’t like. He didn’t become a horrible person - it was just that our viewpoints now differ wildly. He’s still “a friend” but I would no longer call on him as one of the first people on my list when I needed someone.

It’s absolutely ok and no reflection on either of you if things change.

Looubylou · 30/12/2021 19:57

Stay quiet in Covid related topics - actively introduce other topics. Give it a while longer. Accept you can be friends with different views. All depends how much you value staying in touch with the others. Breaking off into 1:1's might not be as easy as it sounds.

Original poster

Dailywalk · 31/12/2021 08:21

Covid has played a part in that conversations are more political now. We often agree on issues but she doesn’t know that because so often she’s dominating the conversation. When I may disagree I’m made to feel like I’m the one who is a bit stupid.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dailywalk · 31/12/2021 08:24

Life is too short to feel sad and frustrated every time we meet. I do feel it’s sad though to distance myself but things do change.

OP posts:

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