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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can anyone explain to me the emotions they felt after leaving unhealthy marriage?

13 replies

kelseypops · 30/12/2021 14:41

It was abusive but i didn't want to put it.

I felt I was walking on egg shells all the time, he never showed me love/affection. I was just used to look after him.

I'm having counselling and she has told me has had narcissist qualities and he has cohercive controlled me...

I'm 9 weeks down from leaving and just finding it difficult but I can't put my finger on what it is.

I just think I'm exhausted and now Xmas is over, it's all catching up on me.

How long before you felt ok again? At ease again? Could see the light at the end of the tunnel?

Thanks x

OP posts:

Original poster

kelseypops · 30/12/2021 16:35

Anyone? X

OP posts:

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 30/12/2021 16:38

When I left him I felt lost and in utter turmoil. I eventually went back but his behaviour didn't improve so, as agreed when I returned, he left. That was amazing, complete relief. As I closed the door behind him I felt like a massive physical weight had been lifted off my shoulders. He was gone, I was free, and I could rebuild my life in my home.

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 30/12/2021 16:41

In a similar situation to you I felt completely overwhelmed and alone.

There'll be so much to unpick op. Just take it slowly and rest. Flashbacks , bad dreams , random things triggering you...it's all normal unfortunately.

I think the hardest thing for me was spending years wondering what was wrong with him , then suddenly having to look at myself in order to move on. It was beyond difficult , but worth the time and effort.

Good luck with everything.

Wifflywafflywoo · 30/12/2021 16:48

I shut the door, ordered my favourite pizza and watched TV completely at peace at how safe and calm I felt. The house felt like my home again (I own it solely) and I didn't have to worry what was coming next or not being able to use a room because he was in it. Stripped everything the following day and gave it all a good clean. You'll get there, it'll be worth it

Original poster

kelseypops · 30/12/2021 16:52

Thank you for your replies.

I suppose it's different for me as I have left with 3 dcs in tow. I'm staying at my mums and have no idea where we will end up.

I want to move away but eldest DS has autism, goes to a specialist school so it's really not that easy for me to move to a new area, plus I would have zero family which I really do need around me.

I left at the end of October, did everything I needed to - removed my name of everything to do with the house, applied for universal credit, new bank account, applied for council housing, for everything for Xmas etc etc.

I didn't stop. Now 2 out of 3 dcs have covid and I think being stuck at my mums, it's all just getting to me now I've slowed down.

OP posts:

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 30/12/2021 16:57

I was in your position 15 years ago op. Its does get better but you need to give yourself time to process. As much time as you need.

PicaK · 30/12/2021 17:03

I feel utterly lost like you. Getting your equilibrium back is a journey. A long one. I find as I get stronger and deal with some aspects of my marriage, my mind reveals another truth to me and I have to deal with that. Like you thought it was bad but slowly you begin to realise how bad it was.
Sometimes I am dignified and process things well and other times I am a snot string mess. Top tip - stay away from fb at that point and vent on Mumsnet instead.
I'm not there yet. I think it may take a few more years. But things improve all the while. And I've come a long way.
Hang in there. Be kind to yourself.

funinthesun19 · 30/12/2021 17:06

I felt everything.

Elated to finally have him out, but I also felt lost and sad. I even thought I missed him. But it was all the come down from the trauma me put me through physically and emotionally. It was finally being able to think quietly, and I have thought A LOT. The anxiety, the anger towards him, the deep sadness, has all been part of the process of reflecting on everything he put me through. Even now 2 years on I’m still unpicking things.

He came here at Christmas to see the kids and I felt like I was drowning. I felt like I’d been dragged back to 2019 and we were a “family” again, which he of course loved. I’ll never be doing it again.
In the first year that we split up, he got mad at me for so many things and just proved to me why I shouldn’t take him back if my brain ever made me consider it.

I’m still not right 2 years later. I still dwell on those 10 years I spent with him and everything he did to me. He’s a dark cloud in my life that still lingers.

StarCourt · 30/12/2021 17:06

I felt utter relief. Best thing I ever did. Sadly as we have a DD together I still have to deal with him, he's learned nothing.

Sleepytimebear · 30/12/2021 17:10

Honestly I was initially elated to be free of my abusive ex but I think I was processing so much trauma my emotions were very up and down for months. I never once thought of going back to him but small slights or issues at work just had such a crippling effect on me. I had about 9 months of therapy and at the end just felt happy and like everything in mu life was how i wanted it. I do think part of the issue was going through the divorce which took about 7 months (quick but felt like am eternity) - leaving someone abusive means you know you are in for a rough ride and the law does not make any of it easy. Keep up the therapy and try to speak kindly to yourself. You are doing brilliantly and you will come out the other side much happier - have faith.

Original poster

kelseypops · 30/12/2021 18:04

@PicaK

I feel utterly lost like you. Getting your equilibrium back is a journey. A long one. I find as I get stronger and deal with some aspects of my marriage, my mind reveals another truth to me and I have to deal with that. Like you thought it was bad but slowly you begin to realise how bad it was. Sometimes I am dignified and process things well and other times I am a snot string mess. Top tip - stay away from fb at that point and vent on Mumsnet instead. I'm not there yet. I think it may take a few more years. But things improve all the while. And I've come a long way. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself.

Yes I am off Facebook. I don't need it and I don't miss it. I started a new one but I don't even go on that. ExH has told anyone and everyone about the break up of our marriage and all about my declining mental health. Completely walked all over my boundaries - I'm quite a private person. So I just want to disappear for a while.

ExH has also had extreme paranoia over the last 9 weeks and I've had lots of false accusations thrown at me that I've found someone else. He's been stalking me on Facebook, what's app etc so I've come off to make myself feel safer from him.

It's just horrible, I think I've just been focusing on all the practical things I've needed to do but now they are all done, I'm left with the pain of it all.

It's just an awful feeling - not sure how else to explain it.

OP posts:

LilyGoLightly · 30/12/2021 19:35

I could have written this OP. Right down to the dc and one with sen. I’m 12 weeks down and it is getting better sometimes, but very up and down. Just know you’re not alone.

Original poster

kelseypops · 30/12/2021 19:56

@LilyGoLightly

I could have written this OP. Right down to the dc and one with sen. I’m 12 weeks down and it is getting better sometimes, but very up and down. Just know you’re not alone.

So sorry xxx

I've had a good cry and feel slightly better. I'm scared to be on my own. I'm at my mums now, but to think of being alone is scary.

OP posts:

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