To have no idea what to do for the best

[Louisethemum]

Hi all.
I’m tying myself in knots!
We really need to move house into something bigger. We are a family of 4 in a small terrace with a tiny garden and no garage. Whilst I’m thankful for what we have, and that we are on the ladder, we need more space now that my husband and I will permanently be working the majority of time from home. We’re currently doing this really uncomfortably.
Another issue is my 9 year old daughter wouldn’t get into the good, local secondary from here (despite it being our nearest, within walking distance - it’s hugely oversubscribed). All her friends are going there as unfortunately, her primary school isn’t our closest but we really liked it, without considering our proximity to the secondary school and issues we’d have later on, when she started.
I’m now in knots as we are unable to find anything in that area to buy. Whilst our budget sounds healthy, it simply won’t stretch to anything in her primary school area and the competition is so huge things are going for 30-40k over asking, pricing us out.
I broached the subject of moving areas and therefore schools with my daughter and she collapsed into tears - begging us not to move as she didn’t want to leave her friends. It’s a lovely school and her younger brother has also just started reception is incredibly shy and is also doing well.
However, I can’t escape our dilemma. Is it best to move away and get a bigger house more fit for our families needs and budget, and have a couple of years in a new primary to make friends and then go to the local secondary together, or continue here so they don’t move primary, knowing my daughter will have to watch all her friends go to a secondary we can’t get her into? (whilst she will go to a rough, infamous one).
The area we’d move wouldn’t be particularly far as I am only able to drive places I know well due to ridiculous lack of sense of direction and anxiety and we need to keep our jobs so be fairly local.
What would you do??
Sorry for long post

Personally, I'd prioritise living arrangements. Whilst I can see how it's upsetting for your daughter to consider moving schools - how many friends from primary are you still in contact with?

It, rightfully, feels an awful wrench to move but if you're thinking longer term then the friends bit is lower down for me. Some issues you can redress - keeping in contact, regular meet ups, etc. - but you won't be able to that with space and school.

@Gatehouse77

Personally, I'd prioritise living arrangements. Whilst I can see how it's upsetting for your daughter to consider moving schools - how many friends from primary are you still in contact with?

It, rightfully, feels an awful wrench to move but if you're thinking longer term then the friends bit is lower down for me. Some issues you can redress - keeping in contact, regular meet ups, etc. - but you won't be able to that with space and school.

Sound advice, thank you

Seeing you're both working from home and need to move schools anyway could you make a radical move and go further afield where houses are not so expensive and there is a good Secondary. The losing direction is not an issue due to Google maps .
As a teacher l see dc change schools regularly and they do fine. Our dc moved when dd was 11 so two years left in Primary here in lreland. She loved it and coincidentally, yesterday nearly 15 years later she met up with the best friend she made there and they have kept that friendship through Secondary and college.
Your dc will do fine at a new Primary. They will be upset but they will soon settle in. But she is going to be upset eventually with them all going to a school she can't get into and you're going to be upset if she ends up in a crap school.
Maybe focus on a hobby she has always wanted like horse riding or something that she will be excited about.

I think i'd think about secondary schools that are acceptable, even if not the first choice, keep your daughter at the current primary. It doesn't sound as if going to the same secondary as current friends is an option anyway.
There are four of you in the house that it has to work for - you prioritise your daughters friends now, what about your sanity, and the ability of you and DH to WFH productively.

If you're both WFH, presumably there is some flexibility and childcare & travel costs have lessened?
Have you thought about alternative office space? I have recently started a hot desking arrangement in amazing serviced offices for £120 a month. Might be something local to you that would reduce the pressure of WFH.

I would move to the secondary catchment area but keep the 9 year old at her current school. This will mean sorting out your driving anxieties but I would not expect my child to cope with leaving all her friends behind and starting at a new primary at this stage while I wasn’t prepared to tackle my own driving anxieties - sounds harsh when I read this back but I’m afraid you need to sort this out.

1. Buy a satnav
2. Practise the route at quiet times with someone else in the car to build up confidence

Even if the commute is long I would do it for 2 years if necessary. Get up early and crack on.
If your youngest would move more easily then move him to a nearer primary - one of you does the driving, the other takes the younger one to local school.
My DH moved primaries as a young child and hated it - in-laws moved back a year later as he hadn’t settled. We have friends whose parents moved around for work and who say they hated moving schools. We agreed when we had DC that we would not do it unless absolutely necessary ie redundancy.
It sounds as though you do need to do this house move both for working space and access to a decent secondary. But surely you can find a way of keeping DC1 in her current primary? You need to conquer the driving issues in any case. I’m not the most confident when driving somewhere new, but I check the route on google maps and try and work out where I can park. I write down the route in case the satnav bails on me and get going - always been fine.

I worked in a secondary school for 11 years and wouldn’t allow this friendship idea to be your guiding principle.
The school tended to allow a request for one friend to be in the same class but I lost count of the number of times I helped children who were upset because their primary school friends had changed their friendship group by the middle of year 7.
At age 9 there is plenty of time to make new primary school friends so I would prioritise a family home that works for everyone & doesn’t leave you frazzled & the parents from hell. Long term your daughter will have better life outcomes & a happier time at school if she attends a good school where decent behaviour allows her to learn and achieve.

My dc moved school during primary years, they all had lovely friendship groups (as did I with one set of mums!) but they did settle well at the new school, went on to secondary with friends - but also made new ones. it's the friendships made as teens that have lasted into adulthood.

If you are going to move schools then primary is easiest IMO.