Was I abused? How do you move on?

[GreenGrinchy]

I have spent a long time ruminating over my treatment as a child / teen, and I am wondering how other people moved on from historic abuse by parents. I know that this has had a long lasting effect on me as I don't know what a 'normal' relationship looks like, my whole adult life I have been with emotionally and physically abusive men until I met my partner last year. Sometimes around my parents, I can act completely out of character, in a way I would never behaviour towards anyone else. My family members constantly minimise my childhood and it makes me question my own recollection and sanity, I am very much ostracised by my family. I grew up in the 90s so these things were definitely not acceptable.

A couple of examples of what I went through:

• When I was 3 I continuously crayoned on the walls and 'nothing my parents did stopped me' (naughty step, telling me off). One day, my dad had enough and 'lost it', so he angrily threw me up the stairs into my room. My parents laugh whilst telling this story and say it was a good thing as I never did it again. Apparently I was unreasonable and would never do as I was told, so they had to resort to such measures. It only occurred to me recently to question, 'why didn't they just take the crayons away?'

• The type of scenario described above occurred on many occasions, including as a teenager. My dad would scream in my face, aggressively yell at me, terrify me, swear at me, hit me, grab me, drag me around. This was all blamed on me being 'out of control' and the only way they could get me to listen and behave. He sometimes attempts to still do this now I am an adult, but I will no longer take it from him.

• My mum used me as a confidant for my dad's affair, as well as his poor behaviour towards me. I vividly remember her sitting me down and giving me all the details of his affair when I was 10. The woman he was sleeping with, times and dates he was sleeping with her, when and where my mother was when she found out. Completely inappropriate details. She continued to do this throughout me growing up about various different things involving my dad.

I do love my parents, particularly my mum, which leaves me very confused. Whenever I try to discuss it with my mum or dad, they constantly minimise, tell me things didn't happen or blame me for being unruly/uncontrollable. My sister didn't experience much of this growing up, maybe a couple of occasions as she was very obedient, so I can't talk to her either. She has only just begun to admit that what I went through was wrong. My parents make references to their own childhoods and tell me I don't know what abuse is. I have had abusive relationships with men as a result, and it was only upon meeting my lovely, stable, completely non-abusive partner that I realised how awful all of the above is. I am constantly surprised that he doesn't yell or call me names or be violent towards me.

For those who have been through something similar, how did you move on? Did you ever move on? Did you do therapy or counselling?

I have a psychodynamic clinical psychologist for my abusive childhood that I'm only just confronting.
I have her on the NHS which is reasonably rare, sadly.
Psychodynamic as a style is based on depth and will pull out things from your subconscious, it is useful for childhood issues.
Talking therapy and CBT wasn't enough for me and is often what you might be given by the NHS so try and get referred to a mental health team who will assess your need.
You can of course pay privately if you are able.

In mine and my friends experience, this was normal for the 90's. Not right by today's standards but it was how 'parenting' was done.

Same as Bodger, I’ve had lots of psychotherapy. Privately as the NHS aren’t equipped to deal with this.

Check out Nicole Sachs on Instagram, she talks in such an accessible positive and validating way about the pain of childhood abuse and neglect. Gabor Maté is excellent on childhood neglect and trauma - look up his videos/interviews on YouTube. You might need to search around to find people you resonate with but it’s worth digging because when you feel like you aren’t alone with it all that’s when you’ll begin to heal.

I wouldn’t talk to your family/parents about it. I’ve found the way through is to find people who you can talk freely with and who can validate your experience, then your feelings can find some resolution. In my experience the only person who has really understood and been able to help me process things has been my therapist.

Is your sister the eldest child? Often the eldest can be the most compliant and their survival strategy is to do everything right to get through it and denial might be part of that. The younger children in a family often have different strategies.

@Fruitellaa

That's really interesting. Yes she is the eldest and often says her experience with our parents is completely different to the one I describe.

I grew up in the 90s and I would say my childhood was similar but maybe less extreme than yours. Definitely "scary dad" was a thing in my house with the shouting and swearing, throwing things, banging doors etc. Also the inappropriate mum confessionals rings a bell.

In my experience talking to parents about this stuff isn't particularly helpful. I once mentioned one very minor incident to my mum and she said "I don't think so. I can't believe I would have said that". I do find it helpful to talk to my sibling about this stuff, especially in the "am I imagining this?" moments. If you can't talk to a sibling then maybe a therapist would help.

Personally I don't think it's helpful to hold onto this stuff. I think it is important to recognise that being oppressed as a child can lead you into abusive relationships as an adult (the same thing happened to me). However, it sounds like you have this awareness now and are in a good place with your new partner. I would try to see it as a lesson learnt and move on.

I don’t believe it’s a choice to hold onto the feelings, but it’s a choice about how to respond. The feelings can be held in the body/nervous system (see books ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ by Besel van de Kolk and ‘The Body Remembers’ by Babette Rothschild). If thoughts about it are still bothering you and feelings are affecting your relationships in the present then it’s worth doing the emotional work to let the feelings in and process them. Also it’s not just about avoiding overtly abusive relationships in the present, but the kind of narcissistic dysfunctional patterns too that can be a hangover from childhood that we can bring into our adult relationships.

There’s a forum at HAVOCA if you want to chat with people who have been through a range of similar/worse experiences (the people on the forums don’t compare), or just have a browse. www.havoca.org/