Annoyed with friend constantly putting me on me .. but then miffed when she doesn't ask me

[ivehadtonamechangeforthisone]

NC for this one.

My close friend constantly puts on me. So many asks/favours/requests. I'm a people pleaser and cant say no. I have another friend who I speak to about all the asks/favours/requests. The other friend is amazed about how much expectation there is of me. I find the constant asks so overbearing at times, yet I still go out of my way to accommodate. I never ask this person any favours, ever. I long for all the asking to reduce, for the sake of my own mental health. The asks also create issues between me and DH as he gets cross at her for asking and me for agreeing.

What I'm confused about is when she isn't asking me I then miss that I'm not getting all the asks & requests. Yet, at the same time I bitch about how much expectation there is from her, on me (but don't bitch about the friend).

You obviously like feeling important and necessary to this friend.

Maybe because you feel like you are in her thoughts and important to her when she is asking? She needs you etc?

What is she asking from you?

Ultimately I think you do these things to be liked even though you hate doing them, because she is important to you. It irritates you she is take the piss because really all you want is for her to want you for your company not favours but you will make do with any attention from her?

I'm a people pleaser and cant say no

Rubbish.

You can say no, you just choose not to.

If she asked you to have your salary paid into her account would you be able to say no then?

@Workinghardeveryday Ultimately I think you do these things to be liked even though you hate doing them, because she is important to you. It irritates you she is take the piss because really all you want is for her to want you for your company not favours but you will make do with any attention from her?

///\ yes, this sounds like you have hit the nail on the head.

Yes, the favours take the piss. They range from asking me to babysit/look after pets to picking up shopping for her because I happen to be at the shops. Lending her stuff (which I never get back), very occasionally lending her money ( I always get that back) because she has overstretched herself. Accompanying her shopping (inc car shopping). Helping her paint her bedroom. Helping her dig & renovate her garden. She once rang me while I was abroad (which she knew I was) to ask me something she needed help with at home (I cant say what on here as outting). There is a hell of a lot more, but collectively its too outting.

You're posting like it's your friend that's the problem when in reality it's you that is.

This isn’t a friend. It’s freeloader.

Where.. just where is your self worth?

You are acting like a martyr to this and then running off to tell friend B alllllllll the things you ‘have’ to do. It screams look at me.

Yes the friends a cf but if you never say no why should she stop asking? Their is no equality in your relationship with her. I feel sorry for your husband as this must be driving him up the wall.

Just start journaling and asking yourself why are you doing this. Why do you feel the need to please this person. What’s the worst thing that would happen if you said ‘no’. If you seriously fear the friendship would end for you saying no then it’s not a friendship. You are just providing free services. Start brain dumping all the reasons you are scared of saying no. See what comes up.

In life there are always givers and takers. She is the dogs bollocks of taking. She will always take from you because you are allowing it as harsh as that sounds.

As her for a favour, if she isn’t there for you you have your answer to who she really is, what you mean to her.

Would you be a doormat to a man in this way? I mean this kindly x

That's a codependent relationship you're in. Yes the dependent person seems to be the annoying one, but the other person (you) does have some level of accepting it or even needing to feel they are needed or whatever. The 2 people can become v enmeshed but it feels v suffocating. Usually childhood stuff creates you getting into this dynamic , e.g. perhaps having a parent who was an addict, or a controlling parent etc(whereas someone from a non-codependent family background would run a mile if asked for all these favours). Suggest reading up on it and on boundaries, and starting to put boundaries in place. "Love is a Choice" is an excellent book. So is "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. Yes I emphasise, I've been in the same place with a friend over contacting and relying on me, which I hated, but then I would feel anxious if she wasn't! Good luck

One thing that could maybe help you stop or see the situation differently is think about how this must seem to friend B. You currently seem to think she is "amazed" and sympathetic, and I'm sure she does tut a bit and act that way. But she can actually see right through it, and will be secretly thinking it's obvious you like being asked.

I've had friends act this way, sometimes about boyfriends (constantly bitching about them but you know they are going to get back together). Other times like you, bitching about how x friend is so mean, does y and z. But then the first opportunity I see they are out together, and didn't invite me. Maybe friend B wonders why friend A with all her problems is your close friend, while she isn't.