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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Extended family and presents for kids

27 replies

FunkyFantasticFudgeball · 29/12/2021 00:04

My in laws are lovely decent people and kindhearted. However I have a major issue with present buying for my kids. Every Christmas and birthday we're inundated with messages from SIL BIL and PIL "what do the girls want for Christmas/birthday", these always come after I've done all of our own shopping for them, I then have to think of (very specific) presents that they can get them and I have to tell each person a different thing so they don't overlap, I have to give options so I'm not being greedy and suggesting something that's outside their budget (they never tell me the budget though).

I've tried saying for example picture books (for 5yo) or something with crafts (for 10yo) but I'll be met with "what exactly though?", "what colour would she want", "where can I get that?" "is that in Argos, what page is it on" etc etc etc. I often end up going into the shop and physically buying a present from the PIL and they hand me over twenty quid. The reason it all bothers me so much is that they buy for my nephews without any prompting gifts that they love, not just at Christmas or birthdays either. They take an interest in the boys so they know what they're into but they're stumped when it comes to my kids even though if they just talked to them for 10 minutes they'd find out they've got loads of hobbies and interests and they're really easy to buy for.

I'm getting really sick of it, my DD birthday is coming up in April and again the questions will start, separately from 3 different couples who couldn't be bothered to go into a shop or look online and choose something they think a little girl would like for her birthday. What can I do? How can I tactfully tell them to go off and figure it out themselves?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/12/2021 00:10

Amazon lists for each child. Add things as you see or think of them, doesn’t have to be from Amazon. Stuff comes off as people buy it.

Or say you don’t have a clue, ask DH. He presumably knows the DC as well as you do and it’s his family asking. He can do lists as above.

Or say you don’t know but cash is useful.

Glendaruel · 29/12/2021 00:21

I understand from your point of view but also from there's that they don't want to waste money buying something they already have it won't like. We use Amazon wishlists. You can add items from other websites of you want to support independent shops but the person buying needs to manually take items off

Danikm151 · 29/12/2021 01:56

I ask for money for my son’s savings account so I can purchase things he wants or needs throughout the year.

Totalwasteofpaper · 29/12/2021 04:04

Amazon wishlist or a good they have access to and can mark things off on.

I make them for my inlawsfor all of us and they helpfully ignore them

autieok · 29/12/2021 05:01

I prefer giving ideas so don't end up with things they don't want or replicas. You know it's coming start a list in your phone a bit at a time and just have it ready.

hulahooper2 · 29/12/2021 05:17

I would much prefer to be asked , mine have a load of useless tat over the years and been disappointed, if they’d only asked what they like then they wouldn’t have wasted all that money

junebirthdaygirl · 29/12/2021 05:21

Sometimes it's nice for an auntie/ uncle to buy a surprise present as they might arrive with something ou would never consider but becomes a hot favourite. I was always Conservative about presents for my dc thinking of long term use, educational value etc so it was great when their uncle turned up with some mad idea that brought great excitement. So maybe suggest..a surprise next time.
Or could they get together for April birthday and buy an outside larger toy for the garden in Summer or an outing for the Easter holidays.

I would have found it difficult to keep coming up with ideas.
Or could one just always buy books so they associate that person with lovely new stories or a new board game each time.

ouchmyfeet · 29/12/2021 06:31

Or say you don’t have a clue, ask DH. He presumably knows the DC as well as you do and it’s his family asking. He can do lists as above.

This is what I do. DH's family are utterly incapable of using imagination and are similar in terms of needing exact specification. I make him deal with them. It is a relatively constant battle though. If I reply to a single email or text from my MIL she comes straight back to me with the next query, I have to be vigilant in forcing all communication through him

Original poster

FunkyFantasticFudgeball · 29/12/2021 07:10

Thanks for the replies, I did the Amazon wishlists for a couple of years but the PIL have never used the internet, they don't even have a credit card so I ended up buying the presents myself!

As junebirthday girl said, people have bought really fab presents for them in the past that I would never have thought of, I feel like it's another job for me to have to do and I resent it.

I'll try kicking it back to my DH, I actually hide the extent of it from him because he's also noticed the favouritism towards his nephews and he's hurt by it. He can be more blunt than me with them

OP posts:

autieok · 29/12/2021 07:13

I get where your coming from though. My in-laws spend a lot more time with niece than with my ds so they know her better. But I think they prefer to ask as don't want to get it wrong!

TulipsTwoLips · 29/12/2021 07:18

Sounds like a good plan. At the moment you are taking on hiding it from your husband and also giving yourself extra work coming up with a variety of prices. Stop all of that.

OwlinaTree · 29/12/2021 07:19

Oh I hate this. My in laws always want to know exactly what the kids want. Other family members including myself will at least try to make some suggestions of things they think the person might like as a starting point.

I really resent it as I'm then doing all the hard work of finding something for them to buy. They are retired surely they've got time to go to a toy shop and have a look at least?

morechocolateneededtoday · 29/12/2021 07:22

You say you've already got everything by the time they ask and that you end up buying them yourself on their behalf anyway. Why not just allocate one from what you've bought to be from them and they give you the money for it?

I would simply say DD asked for this and we have already bought it, would you like it to come from you?

Mommabear20 · 29/12/2021 07:24

How old are your DC and are your PIL able to go shopping? I only al because my grandma used to take me shopping after my birthday and I could pick out a present myself, she'd then take me to lunch and back to her house to play with my new toy! I absolutely loved it and I always got something I actually wanted!

Original poster

FunkyFantasticFudgeball · 29/12/2021 07:31

@OwlinaTree

I really resent it as I'm then doing all the hard work of finding something for them to buy. They are retired surely they've got time to go to a toy shop and have a look at least?

Yes, you've got the nail on the head here, I love buying gifts and thinking about the other person and what they'd like, this is all so transactional

OP posts:

Original poster

FunkyFantasticFudgeball · 29/12/2021 07:33

@Mommabear20

This sounds lovely! Unfortunately my MIL doesn't drive and they don't live near any public transport, we'd have to drive the 3 hour round trip to facilitate it, we might as well just buy the present!

OP posts:

Curtainpoleloop · 29/12/2021 07:34

We had this too- I even had to wrap the gift. I ended up saying “just surprise them, I can’t think of anything” on a loop.

Dozer · 29/12/2021 07:35

Think it’s quite thoughtful of your in laws to ask.

It’s your in laws, so DH should handle it.

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 29/12/2021 07:36

I direct them to DH every time.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 29/12/2021 07:41

I think it’s great, reduces unwanted presents, makes it easier for the buyer etc. I send a link to my sister what to get my kids and she sends me a link of what to get hers, we made about £20 a kid, both have 2. Easy peasy and kids are happy!

MaryBoBary · 29/12/2021 08:10

This annoys me too. My DS barely asked for anything this year so I used my imagination to come up with things he might like and then have 5 different family members asking for ideas. I feel bad saying nothing so suggest the things I've thought of. Then DS thinks so-and-so family member always gets them the best present and we are left giving naff things. I'm not doing it again next year, they can go to Smyths and choose something themselves. It's even more annoying when you suggest something DS has asked for, they say ok great thanks, and then get something completely different so DS ends up without the one thing he asked for. Drives me mad.

MaryBoBary · 29/12/2021 08:11

In fact next year I might tell anyone that asks what to get DS to just ask him themselves. Then I'm out of the equation!

YourenutsmiLord · 29/12/2021 08:18

How old are DC because obviously once they are old enough they can get a voucher. It's not forever.

I would sit on Mumsnet's Christmas thread (where I got all my ideas) and make a list for the whole year. And direct them where to buy it when the time comes, obviously not for ILs if not online but otherwise tell them Amazon.

Ime Kids have sooo much it's hard not to replicate.

HairyScaryMonster · 29/12/2021 08:21

Slightly different but my brothers are very last minute shoppers. When I realised I'd overspent on Christmas I just said I'll allocate a present each from them, can I have the £.

If you've already bought everything, just say what about x, I'll get it, it's £.

Raindancer411 · 29/12/2021 08:56

As others have said, amazon lists are good (but not full proof! Daughter still ended up with two of the same duplo sets as someone didn't knock them off)

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