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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel very frustrated

25 replies

HappyDays40 · 28/12/2021 23:56

My mother in law is a very functional 95 year old but is unable to physically manage some aspects of her medication due to severe hand deformity from Rheumatoid Arthritis. She has a friend who visits each day to kindly help her. We do everything else shopping etc but live 20 miles away so couldn't manage the medication daily.
On Christmas eve her friend came masked up as usual and she called on boxing day to say that she has been feeling ill for a few days and is worried its COVID.
The friend has decided she isn't even going to do a lateral flow or PCR she is just going to self isolate at home. I'm so annoyed on two levels; one that she won't at least find out if its Covid so we can keep an eye on my elderly MIL and two that despite suspecting Covid she came round anyway. She has also potentially infected my family too as they were all round mine Christmas day with lovely MIL too.

My MIL won't say anything and I will respect her wishes but it I am so annoyed. There feels like nothing I can do as she is so kind coming round every day. I just feel so frustrated that I can't say anything. :(

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 28/12/2021 23:59

Well you can’t say anything. She’s a friend not paid carer and she can do what she likes and your MIL can too. If you had expectations of her behaviour then you should have said before. It’s too late now.

AntiHop · 29/12/2021 00:00

Have you spoken to her pharmacy about putting them in dosette boxes? You can also get boxes that pop up (on a timer) - but someone has to fill them.

Original poster
HappyDays40 · 29/12/2021 00:02

It's eye drops she has tried the special dispensers and everything

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyDays40 · 29/12/2021 00:07

@PersonaNonGarter
I don't have expectations of her behaviour it's an arrangement that they came to themselves and like I said she is very kind. I just feel like she is not thinking of others like most other would. I feel like ringing her and asking to take a test do at least we know to keep an eye out.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 29/12/2021 00:07

If it's prescription medication she needs to have but cannot manage on her own, her GP ought to be able to get a community nurse to attend each day. Don't know if it's the sort of thing that can be set up urgently, though.

Original poster
HappyDays40 · 29/12/2021 00:11

The DNs in her area won't administer eyedrops. They are only caring for urgent cases, we tried care companies to pay privately but nobody would take on so close to Christmas!
I'm doing it on a temporary basis and her friend will continue later when she is released from isolatio!

OP posts:
madisonbridges · 29/12/2021 00:15

Why don't you just assume your MIL's friend is positive and keep an eye out?

scarpa · 29/12/2021 02:33

@PersonaNonGarter

Well you can’t say anything. She’s a friend not paid carer and she can do what she likes and your MIL can too. If you had expectations of her behaviour then you should have said before. It’s too late now.
Surely having the expectation not to visit an elderly woman when you might have covid isn't something you'd need to specify in advance and more common sense?
ThinWomansBrain · 29/12/2021 02:51

I just feel like she is not thinking of others
but she has been visiting MIL daily until now to assist with medication, check she is OK & providing social interraction? - how selfish of her Hmm

RedHelenB · 29/12/2021 08:13

[quote HappyDays40]@PersonaNonGarter
I don't have expectations of her behaviour it's an arrangement that they came to themselves and like I said she is very kind. I just feel like she is not thinking of others like most other would. I feel like ringing her and asking to take a test do at least we know to keep an eye out.[/quote]
I would keep an eye out anyway. Can't see what the neighbour's done wrong?

HeyMoana · 29/12/2021 08:27

My elderly parents neighbour helps my parents sometimes. I have to be careful that he is viewed as a kindly “extra” and not really integrated into their permanent care or heavily relied on.
I gave my both my in laws COVID last weekend. I felt well when we set off in the car, had a runny nose when we arrived at their house, one hour later and a headache an hour after that. We left their house and did a PCR on the way home.
I was only with them three hours at the most. Realising you are sick is sometimes a process and not always a black and white issue.

BooksAndGin · 29/12/2021 08:31

YABU, she's doing you all a massive favour and this is how you repay her? HmmConfused She doesn't have to do that. Maybe you need to remember that.

cptartapp · 29/12/2021 08:44

Get straight back onto a private care company in the New Year. You cannot honestly let a friend continue to be tied in this way indefinitely. A massive massive ask which is bound to escalate unfairly. Surely your MIL won't allow it of her anyway.
In the meantime, in balance YABU.

Offmyfence · 29/12/2021 09:03

I really don't understand why you're annoyed? Assume she's got covid and keep in touch with MIL?

Could you have gone over Christmas Eve if she'd pulled out last minute?

The neighbour sounds like a godsend! Imagine where you would be without her?

I hope you have her a great Christmas gift for all her time and thoughtfulness?

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 29/12/2021 09:19

She’s not thinking of others…. Yet she goes every day to help your mil, I guess I paid!

sirfredfredgeorge · 29/12/2021 09:25

She is thinking of others, even if it's not covid, it's symptoms that will worry others if they catch it. Her finding out it is not covid does not suddenly make it completely safe to spend time in close contact with a vulnerable 95 year old with a respiratory virus.

Before covid, one of the leading killers of over 90 year olds was a respiratory infection, avoiding contact is a good thing, you need to find a back up system to help with the eye drops.

giggly · 29/12/2021 09:38

I think you are being massively unrealistic in expecting a friend to be able to continue with this plan long term.
You are her family so the onus is on you to get this sorted rather than reliance on others good will.
I’m surprised you’ve left it this long even for a functional 95 year old.
Time to sort out a paid career to go in on the days you can’t.

Original poster
HappyDays40 · 29/12/2021 19:39

As a 95 yar old adult with full capacity she has made the arrangement herself with a friend. I did advocate for a carer to come in for sustainability. The onus is not on anyone, if she needs help she asks.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyDays40 · 29/12/2021 19:41

She also has a choice to refuse which she did, this is not a relevant point on your part. You sound annoyed at me. Would you be okay with a person potentially with covid being around you MIL

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyDays40 · 29/12/2021 19:44

@sirfredfredgeorge I agree completely we ahave been trough this and I happy to pay fir her although she has the money. She refused and she hass full capacity so I'm not in a position to make decisions on her behalf. She has made all arrangements herself.

OP posts:
iklboo · 29/12/2021 19:51

You do need something else in place. What if your neighbour was too I'll to help, hospitalised or - gods forbid - die? Who would help your MIL? I sympathise, truly. My parents were very frail, needing support and refused to get outside help. They relied on me & my aunt going every day to empty their commode, cook for them etc.

I work full time, live with DH & DS half an hour away with no direct transport (can't drive for health reasons) and taxis are £20 each way. Auntie is nearly 70 and not in great health herself.

Dad died on 23 December and I've only got mum to agree to a carer because it is so, so hard for us to keep going down every day. It's making me ill. While your MIL is very functional at the minute, this could change very suddenly.

Original poster
HappyDays40 · 29/12/2021 19:53

Not sure why people are being hostile she is a very kind woman and no element of this is in dispute. But if you suspected all along that you had covid why would you visit a 95 year old to administrate eyedrops?
Please be mindful of the fact I've had NO say in this, my MIL has full ability to make her own decisions despite my advice to get a carer.
Not quite sure why people wouldn't think common sense would prevail.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyDays40 · 29/12/2021 19:56

I qlways fill in if she is unable to qn drive son so on many occasions.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyDays40 · 29/12/2021 20:04

Sorry. I allays full in when she can't and have done so on many occasions.

OP posts:
cansu · 29/12/2021 20:12

I assume he didn't think that she had covid. I think you would be wise to be extremely careful what you do say. It may well be that this is an arrangement that both parties are happy with but you could upset the apple cart here! Your MIL is also perfectly capable of refusing the visit I assume. If the friend did attend with possible symptoms, it may well be due to fear of letting down your MIL. You would be wise to be kind - perhaps offer to pick up some shopping for your MIL's sick friend? The kind of help she is providing would be costly and difficult to arrange for your MIL.

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