To be freaking out about a family do

[bubble2000]

to celebrate an elderly parent birthday where I'll have to see my hated sibling /a sibling who has been cruel to me since childhood and who still is/ the only way to avoid is not show up which would upset everyone/and paint me again as the troublemaker when it is the exact opposite/ hate these ancient family dynamics still playing out /

Poor you that sounds horrible.

Can you limit the time you are there? Also can someone go with you who sticks to your side the whole time.

I’d go and completely blank the sibling. No one will notice.

Yes totally blanking the sibling sounds really good idea / but it will mess with my head / and that makes me so mad that I still even care about this sibling/ why came I get over it/ why am I still craving their friendship and support after all these years???

Oh, OP. This sounds so familiar. I used to cry from the stress before every family gathering as my sibling has similar form, and would corner me and bully me in front of the whole group. Eventually they went too far and we are no longer close, but my parents always wanted to placate my sibling and would pressure me to do the same so they could have peace.

Are your parents supportive of you, or is your family dynamic that of appeasing your sibling? If you find it too stressful, you can send a card and a gift and enjoy a night in instead.

Diazepam
And grey rock
Smiley smiley smiley

@bubble2000

Yes totally blanking the sibling sounds really good idea / but it will mess with my head / and that makes me so mad that I still even care about this sibling/ why came I get over it/ why am I still craving their friendship and support after all these years???

Because we are conditioned to think we should love and be friends with our siblings. My friends and family are half/half whether they get on with siblings or not. I despise my sibling and vice versa. I don’t put any pressure on my children to be friends. They must treat each other with respect and kindness as anyone else, but I don’t expect them to be best friends or to even like each other particularly.

I attend various gatherings with my sibling. We don’t even acknowledge each other really apart from a very cursory hello. Very very few people even notice, even fewer notice to the point of comment.

I have found when I have to spend time with people that are unpleasant or hurtful, I try to flip the script in my head. I make some predictions in my head of what they might do and try to think through what their insecurities are that lie behind their behaviour. Then when they prove me right, I smile to myself as it seems a little victory to me and gives me some control. Not sure I explained it well. For example, I had a male colleague that was chauvinistic and patronising and always had to make a statement in meetings and would undermine what you said. I referred to this as ‘whopping his Willy out’ in my head so when he inevitably had one of these moments it always made me chuckle rather than feel intimidated.

The family event is for several days// maybe I just turn up for a single day to minimise risk of nuclear damage

Yes definitely minimise the time there and only go for a day,