To wonder when gambling becomes a ‘problem’?

[123namey]

To give you some back story my husband’s gambling was flagged up to me a few years ago when I had his bank statements to send for the mortgage and noticed how often he was putting money in his sky bet account. I questioned him about it and he agreed he was doing it too often, should only put a fiver on when watching the football some weeks etc. That was all fine.

The other night I walked into the living room and he was on his phone. He did that quite obvious stop dead and swipe up. Obviously this could have been any number of things he was on 🙈 but my first instinct was to check the sky bet app on his iPad as it looked like an app he’d just closed when I walked past. Probably should have just asked him but I’d rather check then I’d know for sure. I just went on his sky bet there and we have been isolating so he’s been bored but he’s deposited £145 (when I’ve taken off any winnings) into his betting account in the last 11 days. Prior to this it’s more just like £5/£10 every odd day so not so concerning but is £145 in 11 quite a lot?

I obviously don’t bet at all so I don’t know what’s a ‘normal’ amount. I’m sure it hugely varies depending on your income, whether the person is in control of their betting etc but we actually don’t have £145 to spare at the minute as we’re in the process of moving house 🙄

but we actually don’t have £145 to spare at the minute

that is when it is a problem

He has been hiding it from you, that's the main concern here.

If he didn't feel he was doing anything wrong he wouldn't have hidden it.

Are you sure it's just the one account he has?

It's a problem when they are hiding it.

Trust your instincts. My Ex ended up stealing £40k from work to fund his gambling addiction. It all started via apps and a fiver here and there. Gamblers are always chasing the win, they don't care how they get it.

Please ask him to get help.

he agreed he was doing it too often, should only put a fiver on when watching the football some weeks etc

Yet here he is hiding the app and spending £145 in 11 days. Even 5-10 every other day is more frequent than the ‘some weeks’ he agreed.

He has a problem.

He did that quite obvious stop dead and swipe up.

Hiding your behaviour from people is a problem.

Very worrying OP, it's a very slippery slope and he needs to stop before he can't. Perhaps it's time to suggest you take control of the finances.

If he has £400 ish to spare per month it’s not really a problem, but most people don’t have that. Also, it will always escalate until it’s an amount that is a problem if he is addicted.

Well overall in his sky bet it says since mid 2018 he’s £2600 down. Which is a huge sum of money but obviously over the course of 3 and a bit years, boils down to not that much per bet.

I don’t actually ask did you put a bet on? How much did you put on? etc and I hate that I’ve went and snooped but it was just easier than him saying he hasn’t bet much and been vague. I genuinely don’t even think he’ll know he’s bet £145 in the last 2 weeks. Among his friends I actually think a lot of them will bet a similar sort of amount because they have a bet on nearly every football game they watch.. yet he’s still lost over 2 and a half grand so why don’t they get that they arent going to win out of it 🙈

I might bring it up casually and ask how often he’s betting. We’re going through the mortgage thing again just now so I could quite easily use that as a cover (although he sent statements directly this time). The good thing is he’s not spending that consistently (on that account anyway) but the fact one deposit was £55 just seems like it’s more than a casual fiver bet 🙄

Like others have said lying and spending money you dont have are big warnings.

Are there kids involved?
Do you each have spending money each month? If he was just using that I would be less concerned byt that doesnt sound like the case here.

One rule of thumb is that gambling should be contained within an entertainment budget. One person might allocate it to movies, another to concerts, etc. once it is gone for the budget period, it is gone. If he pushes past that budget, then he has a problem.

If he has a history of gambling addiction, he shouldn’t be gambling at all. That includes many “free” games that encourage people to buy some kind of in game currency to get through levels. Most of us can play those games and simply stop when we run out of lives and let them recharge, but it’s the addicts that keep the games in business.

Hi OP you may find that most mortgage lenders do not look kindly on regular gambling transactions so you need to discuss this with your mortgage broker.

@Aimee1987 yes one child, we each have a separate account then have a joint account for bills etc. So he’s using his own account but I’m on mat leave so that money is literally the equivalent of what I get in a week just now 🙈

@Blossom64265 yes this is a good idea. As you say though I don’t know whether that would work as he might then think oh it’s just one more football bet so I’ll add a bit extra. It’s nothing serious yet and we aren’t in thousands of pounds in debt, just a bit skint and needing that money 🙈 Last time it was the same sort of £5 here and there but quite frequently then this random transaction of £700 so that’s when I went and said I’d seen it. He instantly looked like he’d seen a ghost and said he hasn’t lost that money and he’d move it back so he did. Pretty much since then I’ve wondered if he should even be betting £5 at all. He’ll blame isolation this time and say he had nothing else to do while watching tv

say he had nothing else to do while watching tv
The majority of people don’t feel the need to throw money away on gambling when they are watching tv.

It sounds as though he really does need to stop altogether tbh. I know it isn’t a lot over the 3 years but his behaviour over it is very telling.

@BeLessMe yeah I know, I think so!

That is kind of the point. When you have a budget, you have a budget. When it’s used up, it’s done. There is no little bit extra for entertainment and that is what gambling counts as, entertainment. If he can’t see that, he needs to get help.

www.begambleaware.org/i-want-help-someone-whos-gambling

www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/gambling-addiction/

If he feels the need to hide it and he’s betting more than he can afford, these could be signs of addiction. The websites above can provide some help and advice.

I would have a huge problem with this.

While it's a not insignificant amount of money if it was was day out at the races it'd get an eyebrow and nothing else. But it's not.
There are red flags everywhere.
I would be insisting he stop all gambling immediately

Personally I'd say 'When you have a betting account but I realise MN probably won't agree with me.

However, I do agree with everyone upthread who has said it is a problem if he is trying to hide it from you and guiltily closes it when you walk in to the room.

If you are a family, then all your money should be both of yours. You shouldn't be 'short' whilst you are on maternity leave.

I am a big fan of each adult having the same cash each month to do as they want with.

If my dh were stupid enough to gamble regularly, that would be up to him, as he would be using the "spending money" we each have, and I would also spend mine on things he wouldn't choose to buy. Then, it is his choice as an adult.
In your set up though, he is spending money that could be used for you as a family unit, not the equivalent of a cinema ticket or a coffee out with friends, or the cost of having your nails done once in a few months. So it is an issue.

@Kite22 yes I’d say so! We don’t have any formal set up with how much is entertainment money or whatever and generally if I was to get my nails done or hair it would come out of my money, despite that not being very much just now. I sent him money every month before mat leave to top up how much I have so he could send me it back each month.

He came in from the pub tonight (first time he’s been out in months, doesn’t go out much now we have a baby so not a regular occurrence) and of course I tried not to mention it while he was kind of drunk but within 5 minutes I’d said it 🙄 I obviously got very little sense out of him because he was drunk and so I said more and more trying to evoke some sort of response 🙈 I’ll broach the subject again in the morning, I would doubt if he even remembers tonight’s conversation but all he said was why was I going through his mail? I didn’t mention anything about his mail but he’s obviously presuming I’ve read this on bank statements and forgot about the app on his old iPad 😂

The amount is irrelevant it's the manner of doing so (the secrecy) and the lack of available funds (it's not affordable)

Gambling is a mugs game anyway - the house always wins!

Op I would strongly recommend you check both his and your credit history and that of any others in the household (not unheard of for gambling parents to use kids names to set up accounts get credit cards etc)

Why are you tiptoeing around this? His behaviour is out of order perfectly reasonable for you to do all that's necessary to check how bad things are

and say he had nothing else to do while watching tv

Bullshit! Plenty of other things he can do to occupy himself

What's dodgy in his mail?! Is what I'd be wondering at this point

I think you've been naive about this. It already is a problem else he would be upfront with you about it. You can speak to your interner and mobile providers and get betting sites banned /blocked.