To be sick of my kid

[cabbageaccuse]

Brief backstory: I have an 8 year old boy and I've always been very maternal, we have a great bond, I actually homeschool him and never really got sick of him - never felt like I needed a break really. He's potentially autistic and has a LOT of vocal 'tics' or stims, and does tend to annoy other people but it's just never bothered me before.

I feel like that's changed in the past few weeks - my work schedule kicks up massively around Christmas, so I'm totally burnt out from that (I work for myself from home). I don't have any of my family around - my mother is very abusive, Dad lives abroad - so no breaks at all unless my hubbie takes over, which he does as much as he can. Hubby is off for another week before going back to work and I have to go back to work/home ed/ being with my kid 24/7 and I'm absolutely dreading it. My son is honestly driving me mad - I don't really want to spend time with him atm. His vocal stuff is bothering me, when it never did before. I am forcing myself to play games with him, forcing myself to spend time with him, desperately trying not to show how I'm feeling. He doesn't appear to have noticed thankfully.
I don't want to be an arsehole of a mother - my mother was incredibly cold and I feel panicked that I could act like her in any way. Am I going to feel back to myself again? I don't understand why I've spent 8 years having a great relationship with my son and then all of a sudden I just feel disconnected.

Is there anyway you would consider school? Even part time? This naturally happens.
You both need time away from each other ..in and outside the home.

school isn't an option - we've tried before. It's a long story but home ed is much better for him. We usually get out a lot and go to groups and things but with work I've not had the time, and with Christmas most of them are suspended until Jan.

As you say you are burnt out. The batteries are empty. There is no capacity left. You have a child with additional needs, which will be demanding (on top of how demanding kids are).

I think you need to relax as much as possible the next week. Low standards. Ask your DH to take the load for the next week.

Can you push any work back so next week you aren’t straight into work and home schooling. If not I would say the schooling can wait another week (my kids aren’t back till w/c 10th Jan).

That’s short term. Long term you need to look at your life. Is this sustainable going forward? If not, what’s going to change? Son into school? Tutor for some subjects (so you could work in these times)? Are your sons tics getting worse (they can do at this age) have you got a referral to a Torettes/tics clinic?

I found this article helpful www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/sep/08/parental-burnout-how-juggling-kids-and-work-in-a-global-pandemic-brought-us-to-the-brink

I would ask his father to take over and I mean completely take over, not just do bedtime or the odd trip to the park. You need to fully recharge, you can’t run on empty x

[quote JesusInTheCabbageVan]I found this article helpful www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/sep/08/parental-burnout-how-juggling-kids-and-work-in-a-global-pandemic-brought-us-to-the-brink[/quote]
wow that fits so well - compassion fatigue!
Thank you all for helping me feel like I'm not a monster - hubby is doing as much as possible atm while he's off.
With his extra needs home ed isn't something I can see changing (although I stick to the curriculum so he can go back if he wants to in the future). Thankfully Jan is a very slow work month so that will pull back a bit. I guess I just need to chill as much as possible.