AIBU to ask for ideas?

[HornungTheHelpful]

We have three children under 5. Due to work we spend more time apart than together. Both work full time. I live with children and nanny. We were supposed to be where he works for Xmas but at his offer stayed at “my” home. Few weeks back I - and I honestly can’t remember why - asked him if he wanted to leave me and how we could facilitate it with the children. He now thinks I want a divorce and have met someone I would like something to happen with. I haven’t. He’s livid with me, walking round like a bear with a sore head, saying I’ve gone into panic mode trying to fix things then I’ll just stop trying. This isn’t how I feel. I get very unhappy because he’s not terribly communicative when he’s away and it’s very much on his terms. Unless I speak when convenient for him, we don’t. My career is taking off at the moment after 3 children. But the youngest is only a few months old. I’m exhausted and terrified. I adore him but he won’t let me fix it. We’re speaking to a counsellor together tonight but I don’t know what to do to convince him I do love him I’m just overwhelmed at the moment. Please help

Sorry, but if this didn’t stem from at least something and if you TRULY don’t feel that way…then what a stupid thing to say.

It doesn't sound as though you are particularly communicative either OP. This is why there are misunderstandings. Both of you need to put more effort into pulling together, not in opposite directions.

I agree with that. I’m not in anyway suggesting there is only one of us at fault. Any ideas on pulling together though?

Is there a good reason for the odd living arrangements? Such as actually he does live in the same house as his children, just he’s away on an army base during the week? I’ve been in a “work away” situation with a flat in another city, but considered my home to be the one I lived in with my child. It doesn’t seem a very “together” relationship?

It sounds as though the counselling might be what you need - it might be worth - in advance of this noting down what you want to say, not with the idea of reading from a list but as a way of organising your thoughts into a logical and coherent order as I sense you are in panic mode at the moment.

Why do you live apart? Do you spend weekends together? Does he actively parent the children?

I think you need to both sit down and decide what you want.

I think with 3 children and working full time it's going to be hard as the children get older if you're living miles away from each other. Once the children get older there will be clubs, parties etc at weekends so it'll get harder to 'visit' him.

Presumably you asked if he wanted to leave because his behaviour suggested he did.

So it seems this is on him rather than you. In which case I think your DH doth protest to much and I would imagine yes he is keen to leave because he has identified someone else he’d like something to happen with but more than anything else he wants you to be the bad guy.

Yes - there is a valid reason he doesn’t live here, like being on an army base, but not going to say exactly what.

When he is here he is a fantastic Dad and proactive, though I tend to do the more mundane stuff even when he is here. We used to spend about 3 months a year where he works, until covid, which we will do again but in school holidays. He is here about 4-5 months out of a year which will be a mix of him working from home and weekends. I have offered to move there but neither of us want to raise children there. The houses are both “our homes” but he owns the one his end and I own the one here. This is practically necessary for a number of reasons.

I don’t think there is anyone else active - but possibly a wish/thought. Don’t know who if there is. He left once about 8 years ago. Doesn’t feel exactly the same