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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

House is in chaos but DH’s stress making everything harder, AIBU to tell him to just go out?

30 replies

bollocksthemess · 28/12/2021 14:21

We have building work going on so we are essentially living in one downstairs room and our bedroom. In the same room is a litter of puppies (planned for nearly four years) and an adult dog. The building work was not planned and was a spur of the moment decision by DH just after the puppies were conceived, so everything has been dug up/knocked down but now everyone’s stopped for Christmas and we just have chaos left outside where we’re putting a kitchen extension in.
We have taken all the upstairs back to brick, rewired, replastered, put all new doors and joinery in but it now needs painting, the second electrics fix hasn’t been done so there are minimal lights, and there’s no heating as we took the radiators out. Oh, and it’s just bare splintery floorboards.
I got rid of 80% of our stuff before we started, but the rest is in the one room we’re living in. I don’t have a single cupboard to store anything and we are really tight for space.

DH also decided to start ‘landscaping’ the back garden with a digger yesterday. Now there is no garden, only a muddy, soupy lake, so every time I go outside to put washing on/go to the freezer/put the dog out for a wee, mud gets everywhere. It rained last night and the garden is now flooded, so the dog has to be taken out of the front on a lead for every wee.
I’m also 25 weeks pregnant with twins. It’s like the perfect storm of chaos, but I’m managing.

He’s been working away Mon-Fri since the puppies arrived and the building work started, so hasn’t experienced the chaos fully until now. I’ve been stuck in one room with them all for weeks now, while plasterers and joiners and electricians banged and crashed indoors, and the foundations were dug for the extension outdoors.

The puppies are very very noisy a few times a day, it’s not their fault, they’re nearly ready to go to their new homes and they’re bored. They have a bit of garden fenced off to play in but it’s too cold for them to be out there for long.

Now, none of this matters to me. Puppies make noise, it’s been great for them living in the house with us and getting used to all the building noise, the house noises, and spending loads of time with people. They’re super confident, happy pups, but they do cry when they want to get out of their big pen or when I’m making their food. They also bomb about playing with their toys, growling at each other, crashing into things. They have half the room, we have the other.
DH’s reaction to it all is causing most of the stress. He’s off work now and completely intolerant of the normal puppy noise and the building mess. I’m doing 100% of the puppy and dog care, mopping the floors every two minutes, making all our food in our tiny makeshift kitchen, doing the all the washing in the outhouse. He literally has to be pleasant and put up with a bit of noise.
He has slept all night while I got up at 2am, 5am and then finally 7am with the puppies as I’m paranoid about them making noise and waking him up.
He surfaced at 10am and had a shower, left the last clean towel on the floor in dusty wood shavings from the joiner then huffed that his towel was dirty. He huffed that the kitchen floor was muddy when he came downstairs, because I can’t bring washing in and take my shoes off simultaneously. He shouted at the puppies for being noisy, which made me furious and just wound them up and made them noisier. He then took the dog out for a walk in a huff, so I had an hour of peace. Then he came back and huffed because the dog mildly protested about going in her crate (to stop further mud in the house while she dried) so he just opened the door, told her to do whatever she likes, and stormed off upstairs.
He’s now in bed, which I suppose is better than him being downstairs grumping about.
Ideally I’d like him to either stay upstairs or go out, then I can just concentrate on doing my own jobs and not worry that the noise and the mess is upsetting his delicate constitution.
I should add that he’s not normally stroppy at all and this is very unusual behaviour for him, however we’ve never tried living in quite this level of chaos together before. I’ve renovated a house while living in it before I met him, so I knew it was going to be bad and accepted it. The puppies are an added complication, but again, I’ve done it before and understand that winter puppies are hard work as they can’t just play outside in bad weather, and they are noisy and messy.
I also worry that this doesn’t bode well for parenting twins, they’re also noisy, messy and chaotic and he doesn’t seem to be coping with this practice run at all.

OP posts:
Brigante9 · 28/12/2021 14:47

Why on earth would he decide to do building work straight after the mating? I’ve got 2 puppies currently and the mess purely from them going into the garden is horrendous. If my dh decided to add building work into the mix, I’d die. Sounds like he’s just removing himself from the chaos-how will this translate to parenthood??

Have you told him what a pita he’s being? And yabu not to post pictures of puppies!

MatildaTheCat · 28/12/2021 14:53

Remove all planning duties from your DH immediately. Is he going to knock out all the bathrooms and take the roof off when the twins are born?

Ignore his stress and delegate him some cleaning.

CriminalOrator · 28/12/2021 14:58

He sounds vile. If he can’t cope with puppies squeaking, how’s he going to cope with a baby?

And also, this isn’t useful, but to have all that going on simultaneously is piss-poor planning and shows a lack of impulse control on his part (digging up the garden, starting building work - though admittedly that can’t really have been that impulsive).

When are the puppies going to new homes? (Brace yourself for being lynched for breeding, by the way). Once they’ve gone can you go stay anywhere else with your poor dog while she (and you) recover?

bollocksthemess · 28/12/2021 15:09

The puppies will start to leave from New Year’s day, the last one (apart from the one I’m keeping, the reason for breeding in the first place) will go on the 8th.
I think the building work was a sudden nesting instinct, trying to make the house nice ready for the twins. And yes, I’m concerned about his ability to cope with the twins, especially if I’m incapacitated by a c section or a difficult birth.

I’ve been ignoring the stropping about, I’m actually too annoyed to have a calm conversation about it and it’s quite nice sitting downstairs in silence on my own.
The puppies are a lot nicer when they aren’t picking up on his stress and then my related stress.
He is being vile, but he’s never been like this before so I’m not entirely sure how to deal with it. I’m probably going to wait until I’ve stopped being quite so angry about it and have a conversation about my expectations from here.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 28/12/2021 15:15

It sounds a nightmare, but don’t you have a voice? No way my husband would have got builders in without us discussing and agreeing it.

bollocksthemess · 28/12/2021 15:28

I don’t mind the builders, the mess, the puppies or the chaos. I’m pretty tolerant of chaos in general. I mind DH behaving like a child over some noise and a bit of mess. I mind feeling all twitchy every time the puppies make a bit of normal puppy noise because I’m waiting for him to strop off again.

OP posts:
bollocksthemess · 28/12/2021 15:29

I did agree to the builders, although it was his idea. I thought we could manage with the house as it was for a bit longer but we decided it was easier to do it while the twins were still inside me rather than outside.

OP posts:
Hadjab · 28/12/2021 15:35

Has he never watched Grand Designs? This was always going to be chaos. I’ve got building work starting in two weeks, and I know it’s going to be hell on earth, but I’ve mentally prepared myself for it - he’s crazy if he thought it wasn’t going to impact you all in a major way.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/12/2021 15:40

Bloody hell you’ve got a lot on your plate! I would also be concerned how he’ll cope with twins! I’ve got adult twin DDs, and although it’s fab it is full on when they’re babies/toddlers. When will the house be finished?

Hoppinggreen · 28/12/2021 15:43

You are having twins?

Rainbowshine · 28/12/2021 15:49

I know you posted in AIBU but have a look at the relationships board here please OP. It’s known that during pregnancy is one of the times that domestic abuse including controlling and coercive behaviours can start. The disengagement and making everything your fault/job/sulking etc is a common way this starts. Please be careful.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2021 15:51

@bollocksthemess

I did agree to the builders, although it was his idea. I thought we could manage with the house as it was for a bit longer but we decided it was easier to do it while the twins were still inside me rather than outside.
Why the garden though, in this weather?
RickJames · 28/12/2021 15:58

Goodness me, that sounds like a lot. We are stripping out/ rebuilding 2 bathrooms, we have 1 puppy and a dog and an 11 year old and its fairly hellish with all the mess and no bathrooms. (We have a shower room in the cellar and a guest toilet downstairs).

DH stropped with me this morning because my plastering skills aren't up to his standards. Maybe thats because I've never learned plastering as a trade? Did you ever think about that, you tit!?

Renovations can really bring out the worst in people. I'm sick of building projects disrupting everything, this has been going on for years in various houses and I long to live in a rented flat. YANBU.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 28/12/2021 16:03

Sorry no advice, I’m just here hoping for the obligatory puppies pic!

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 28/12/2021 16:04

Because you are pregnant with twins, deciding to breed your bitch, to make a few bob and to keep one of the puppies, and having major house and garden building work done at the same time just shows a bizarre lack of thought and planning.
Have you considered what you are going to do if your twins come early?

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 16:05

So basically he created ALL the situations that make things hard work - the building construction, the garden etc… - isnt the one there to suffer from the consequence of it but dares being stressed and unhappy for the two weeks he is actually dealing with it all?

He might need reminding that you have been living with this for weeks AND you are pregnant. That, seeing the chaos, his first answer should be how amazing you are to have coped with it all so well, all on your own.

The sulking is NOT OK and needs to be addressed tbh.
Especially it is not OK for him to go out and create even more mess and then be sulking about it. (See the garden!)

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 16:06

Tbf @Grumpyoldpersonwithcats, the OP is coping well it all.

It’s her DH, who hasn’t had to deal with all of that until now who isn’t. Always easier to say let’s do X and Y when you are the one doing it isn’t it?…..

sashagabadon · 28/12/2021 16:09

I think having twins after puppies and building chaos will actually be a breeze!

FrancescaContini · 28/12/2021 16:09

Is he always so impulsive??

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 28/12/2021 16:10

Nowhere does the OP say breeding her dog was her husband's idea.

thetinsoldier · 28/12/2021 16:11

He decided to get the builders in? Then he decided to landscape the garden? And now nothing is finished...

Oof. You're a lot more tolerant than I am.

He sounds like a big baby. Needs a good 'come to Jesus' talk.

EmmasMum12 · 28/12/2021 16:11

You could have said no to all the above. But you didn't and you allowed the work on the house and dog mating to go ahead

Your husband being moody and stroppy is utterly pathetic

2022newname · 28/12/2021 16:16

Your description of the puppies made me smile. But your dh sounds like an utter arse. When he’s out of his strop I’d point out that a lot of this is of his choosing and to behave like a grownup not a stroppy toddler.

bollocksthemess · 28/12/2021 16:21

The puppies were my idea, they’ve been planned since before I even met my husband, while I was still on the waiting list for their mum who wasn’t actually conceived herself yet. The dogs actually help with my sanity to be honest.

Like I said, I agreed to the building work and I knew what to expect. I’ve lived through a house renovation before, it’s grim but doable, when you’re not trying to do it with someone who is sulking like a five year old about it

It’s not the building work that’s bothering me. It’s DH spending the entire day (yes, he’s still up there) sulking in bed and stropping about the place because he can’t cope with the same noise and mess that I’ve been living with for weeks.

OP posts:
Crazykatie · 28/12/2021 16:22

Assuming this is not a wind up!.

This is crazy your house is still going to be chaos when the twins arrive, at least weather is fairly warm at present, never mind chucking husband out, shoot him.
Seriously can you go and stay with parents to get away from it all

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